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  • I'm a SHARK, not a Poet! (6th revision: A Hobo Jungle Lullaby)

    A shark or maybe a wolf, hunting the weakest lines in a herd.I take the poem to bed and read it one last time. Perhaps because I am tired the ''nts'' & ''b'' sounds in ''transients, bums'' is hard to negotiate with my tongue, so I change the order to ''By hoboes, bums, and transients.'' This places those beautiful explosive B's in closer ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 17, 2007

  • A Hobo Jungle Lullaby: 4th revision (please God, did I nail the dismount?)

    To my Poem Fray friends, I am more fascinated and intrigued by the creative process, than the finished product. This is why I have posted first drafts and worked things out in public and talked about inspirations. I have found the experience to speed the process up. Previously, a line I was not happy with was changed, and this time through I ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 16, 2007

  • Re: improvements?

    Dd, Your imagery is good, but I have trouble getting it to fit the meter of my poem, EXCEPT for the most delicious line ''The rumblings of half satiated hungers'' . A version of this will go into the next repwrite. You are an invaluable friend. NoStar
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 16, 2007

  • Bordered by some weeping willows

    Thank you Waltz n'C, You are right. the word THAT is a space filler.You have helped me make the poem stronger. The weeping willows adds to the melacholy. I'll add that change on some other to the next revision. NoStar
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 16, 2007

  • 3rd & Final form?: A Hobo Jungle Lullaby

    Turns out I did alter the rhythm and the spacing in the new 5th stanza to set up a slow down reading of the last stanza A Hobo Jungle Lullaby By NoStar There's a clearing near the riverThat is bordered by some willowsAnd it's filled with scraps of cardboardUsed as temporary shelterBy the transients, bums, and hoboesWho are on their way to ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 15, 2007

  • I got rhythm, who could ask for anthing more?

    Mary Ann, The title was the last thing that came to me (which for me is a bit unusual. I usually or have some ideas about half way through.) I am also toying with A Hobo Jungle Lullaby as a title (In fact I just made up my mind to change it, thanks to this conversation) which also reinforces that rhythm. The idea for Lullaby comes from the ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 15, 2007

  • Re: Daily excercise: Hobo's Lullaby

    What does the Bible say?: Ask and ye shall receive.Thanks Dd. I didn't like that ''something'' stewing line. It bothered me when I wrote it. NS Hobo's Lullaby (2nd draft)By NoStar There's a clearing near the riverThat is bordered by some willowsAnd it's filled with scraps of cardboardUsed as temporary shelterBy the transients, bums and ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 15, 2007

  • Daily excercise: Hobo's Lullaby

    I had so much fun with yesterday's exercise, I thought I try again. The imagery of hoboes stayed with me and I thought it would be fun to write a poem using the ''paradiddle-paradiddle'' rhythm of moving trains. Originally, I was going to use only this rhythmic structural tool but, I enjoyed the rhymes that suggested themselves in the second ...
    Posted to Poems by NoStar on June 15, 2007