You know, I'm certain that for many, many teenagers, sex is fraught with danger and bad consequences and emotional pain. I think very often the decision to have sex, for teens, is a damaging decision.

But you know, I had sex as a teenager, and while sometimes it was unsatisfying, and sometimes it caused me emotional pain, I wasn't permanently scarred; I didn't get anyone pregnant; my life wasn't damaged in any real way. In fact, at times it was amazing and fulfilling and beautiful and almost perfect. I don't say this to make an argument, I guess; I'm just saying it because I think it deserves to be said.

What lasting benefit did your teenage conquests provide you? Are your relationships with the partners you fucked richer or deeper than when you started? Did it awaken in you a new understanding of the world? Lastly, how did that almost perfection touch the other aspects of your life? What did your teenage sex teach you?

I fucked as a teenager too. I fucked any and every girl I could find, and you know what, it didn't do mean any good. I learned some bad lessons: 1.) sex doesn't mean much, 2.) it's about quantity.

Sure, my exploits probably didn't scar me, but it also didn't touch me or make awaken my understanding to the wider world (while I may have once thought that, 25 years of marriage have securely disavowed those illusions). It was only after I married my wife that I learned the proper role of sex that it really something.

The sex I had in my teenage years taught me that sex is meaningless and selfish - that was the wrong conclusion. Sex is partly about primitive ferocity and partially about lust and unrestrained emotion... but mostly it's about strengthening and fortifying your relationship with your partner. The conclusions of my teenage years: It's about me. The conclusion of my adult life: It's about your partner. Further, I learned that the fruit of sex, children, are really its most important benefit.

Sex too early teaches the wrong lessons. So, while your life may not have been damaged, and even as beautiful and fulfilling as those one night stands may have been, I bet you still largely missed the point.

Maybe.

But it was fun....

Hard to argue with that one. It's a shame I'm an adult now (and a teacher to boot, ick) and I don't really believe in fun.

Interesting to read both your recollections.

I'm thinking back on the sex I had between my deflowering at sixteen and my marriage at twenty-one. There were five of them: the five years older boyfriend who got the honor of my First Time; a platonic friend who always had a crush on me and I finally gave in to the flattery and slept with him once; the naval officer ten years my senior who really, really shouldn't have spent the summer of '97 sleeping with a seventeen year old; the girl who went to the neighboring high school and was my first and only foray into girl-on-girl sex; the guy whose name I don't think I knew who was a fraternity brother at my best friend's uni.

Besides the obvious--that it's a minor miracle that I escaped all this without a pregnancy or a disease--I do think that I learned much from all this experimentation, and I honestly don't wish I hadn't done any of it. Having bad sex (bad both emotionally and mechanically) taught me to appreciate good sex; I don't think many people would argue with that.

The thing that gives me pause about teenagers experimenting sexually, though, is their basic immaturity and lack of ability to handle the negative consequences of sex gone bad. Yes, there are millions of us, the three posters in this thread for a start, who had lots of sex before we were ready to handle the fallout if things went south and managed to emerge relatively unscathed, and maybe even a little wiser. But the chances of that NOT happening to the average dumbass teenager are strong enough that I think we should continue telling kids that the ideal situation is for them to postpone sex until they're at least out of their teens, and presumably a little more sensible and more able to A) prevent bad things from happening and B) deal with the consequences if they happen anyway.

I think that many teenagers who have access to contraception, etc and are responsible enough to practice safe sex---those who would be the best candidates to get away with being sexually active as teenagers and come away unscarred---are the same teenagers who are most likely to see the benefits of prolonged abstinence. The ones we have to worry about are the ones who don't have access to contraception and don't have enough sense or self-respect to protect themselves anyway.

@Kalervo,

What wrong lessons? I surely didn't think sex was meaningless and selfish as a teenager. Your ideal of sex as "mostly [] about strengthening and fortifying your relationship with your partner" is just that; an ideal. It's not a universal truth and many people have sex for other reasons as well. Just because we may in adulthood primarily see sex in one light doesn't mean that the other light we used to see it in was wrong. It was just for another time, another you.

Jeez, stay out of teenagers' sex life. Let them have the fun you didn't seem to deny yourself and let them judge for themselves. Maybe they can manage a more positive note. I sure did.

Gaumania--it's interesting that even though you look back on your teenage experimentation and consider it a favorable outcome, you don't think any OTHER teenagers should experiment this way. After all, they are all now so much less intelligent and mature than you were then, obviously(s).

Let me ask you a question--if someone had sat you down and told you sex before marriage was immoral, and bad horrible things would happen to you if you did it, and you must PLEDGE never to have sex until you were married--would you have listened? Or, more likely, would you have had sex anyway, and just felt very guilty about it?

How about if someone sat you down and had a frank talk about the consequences of unprotected sex, and how to reduce or eliminate your chances of disease or pregnancy? And then provided you with that protection? How much of a "miracle" would it have been then for you to make it to 21 unscathed?

So, what to you think is better--education, or the lure of the forbidden? What do you think a teenager is going to choose?

I'm going to have to disagree with you. I had a lot of sex as a teen and I learned many different lessons from it. One was there is no one meaning to sex. Sex can be many things. It certainly can be strengthening and fortifying to your relationship. It can also be a fun activity that two or more friends participate in. It can be interesting. It can be boring. It can damage a relationship. And so on. I think attempting to pin a single meaning to sex is wrong.

Teen orgies have a positive meaning? Hm...I never read that in those pamphlets in the counselor's office.

Physics Girl, whether you recognize it or not I suspect your wild teen sex experimentation had some long term negative effects which are probably still affecting you.

bsharporflat:

Physics Girl, whether you recognize it or not I suspect your wild teen sex experimentation had some long term negative effects which are probably still affecting you.

Nope. None at all. I've never had an STD. I've never gotten pregnant. I'm married to a wonderful man, whom I have an extremely fulfilling love live and relationship with. I'm doing the job I've always wanted. I'm happy 99% of the time. I think just about the only thing about my life that is negative is that I finally have to get my wisdom teeth out. I've been putting that off because I don't like visits to the dentist, but I think I've passed the point of no return. However, I doubt my dislike of dentists' offices stems from my teen sex experience.

I think that you want me to have a problem because then you'd be able to validate your worldview. There are plenty of teens whom had sex and are perfectly fine now.

bsharporflat:

Teen orgies have a positive meaning? Hm...I never read that in those pamphlets in the counselor's office.

Of course not. If the counselors at school made students feel that they were happy, healthy, normal teens they'd be out of a job!

"Just because we may in adulthood primarily see sex in one light doesn't mean the other light we sed to see it in was wrong. It was just for another time, another you."

Pretty words, little meaning. Maybe it comes with actually being old, but I have found that age does provide perspective. Perspective provides understanding and hopefully wisdom. With that wisdom comes one simple realization: many previously held beliefs were often shortsighted, and sometimes bad and destructive. When I was my daughter's age, I believed strongly in the 70s definition of love. It was about community, shared experience, and free-loving (in every possible definition of the word). I had some pretty spectacular fights with my parents as I berated them for their narrow definition of family and community. Yet, it turns out, they were right. As a young man, I wanted to take on and change the world. Save the orphans, defend the disadvantaged and blighted of the world first, then care for those in your immediate circle. In contrast, my parents taught me: "Care for and love your own first, care for your neighbor second, and serve the stranger last." Just out of curiosity, which strategy worked out better? Hint: it wasn't the first.

There is a reason why the younger generation (rightly) accuses my generation of selling out of beliefs. We did sell out. The question that never gets asked though (and should be), is why? Most of us sold out because the ideas, while lovely, are often misguided. Consider a second example Why is it necessary to have frank conversations with my children about sexual health (conversations that often devolve into how to sessions)? Because my generation and our promiscuity resulted in a massive increase in the prevalence of STDs, most notably HIV. Why has the nuclear family fragmented and a majority of children are likely to live through a divorce? My generation didn't understand marriage, family, or the place of either.

Teenagers (even smart ones) often think only for the moment and fail to consider the road ahead. This is why parents and society should be pointing to ideals and helping teenagers to understand why they are important. At the moment, they probably do not appreciate the rationale. In some years time, with the benefit of perspective, they likely will.

One last comment, your idea of "another time, another you" is a lie. There is only one you, and you only have the moment that you are inhabiting. To use another example: riding a motorcycle without a helmet is stupid, it doesn't matter if you are 15 or 50. Having sex without appreciating it's dangers, potential for addiction, and risks is stupid (whether you are 15 or 50). I know few teenagers who are ready to tackle the risks of sex, so they can play and be safe. Those I do know are most likely to wait. To disregard guidance and good advice as "out of context" as your naive comment demands is particularly dangerous. Case in point, both of my daughters waited until they were in their twenties to become sexually active. When they did so, they were old enough to have mature, protected sex and ensure that their partners understood the rules and the limits. More importantly, they were ready to enjoy the beautiful and wonderful sides of sex without the risks. Sex is a beautiful thing, but it is not something that most teenagers are ready for.

_____
Sidenote: Please don't talk bring up the straw-man of sex education. I agree that we should have complete, full and proper sexual education. This includes access to condoms, instruction on their usage, access to birthcontrol and the whole nine yards. Yet, as part of that education, we should emphasize clearly and concisely, it's very easy to have sex too early and almost impossible to start too late. Worst case scenario, you spend your college years catching up.

One last point:

Teenagers don't understand limitations, and few teenage males understand "no." I practice within a pediatric hospital and I see examples on a weekly (and some weeks, daily) basis of girls who ended up raped because neither they or their partners understood the importance of boundaries. These range from cases of rough and forced penetration to the most hideous examples of physical abuse you can imagine. Regardless, they are always HORRIFIC.

I have heard many statistics on the incidence of date rape, but even on the low end, it is estimated that one in ten women will be raped in their lifetime. A very, very high percentage of those encounters began with the woman saying "yes" to something, and then progressed out of bounds. As I tried to tell my daughters, "it's never your fault if you are raped, but you should try and prevent it." Every raped 14 year old I have to treat is one too many.

As a result, I intend to interject into teenager's lives. Sorry, it's what we "elderly" do. My parents managed to "ruin" and guide my life, I intend to pass the favor on.

Physics girl if your life is really so perfect then congratulations. I'm glad you are doing well.

But no it doesn't change my world view which is based on working with thousands of teens, and research which involves millions. Your world view appears to be based only on your own life which is fine for you but probably not for human beings as a whole.

bsharporflat:

But no it doesn't change my world view which is based on working with thousands of teens,

That's a selection effect. The ones who didn't have problems, you wouldn't work with.

bsharporflat:

and research which involves millions. Your world view appears to be based only on your own life which is fine for you but probably not for human beings as a whole.

I disagree.

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Physics girl, I am starting to sense the mendacity in your responses. All is not as you present it. Just curious, have you been faithful in your marriage so far? Has your husband? If the taboos on teen sex are dropping as they ought to, why not extend the freedom to marriage?