I used to think that professional wrestling "matches" and monster truck "contests" were the lamest "sports" ever broadcast--something only an idiot could enjoy. It turns out there's something even lamer and more disgusting: competitive eating. Why, oh why, would anyone want to watch contestants shoving fistfuls of pre-mangled food down their grease-and-slobber-smeared faces? What's next? Farting contests? Speed-pooping matches?

It used to be said that monster truck contests were invented so professional wrestling fans would have someone to look down on. Now, it seems, monster truck fans are no longer at the bottom of the barrel.

I might be a farter extraordinaire but, alas, I am a slow pooper. Maybe these programs could serve as educational television and show the rest of us how to speed things up. Sponsored by Metamucil! Ha ha! The All-Bran MVP (Most Valuable Pooper)! Hee hee! Okay, fine. You're right. I'm having far too much fun with this, especially given my previous (and much crankier) post. I guess I better go "drop the kids off at the pool" so I can practice my one-handed backside 180 fakie nosegrind 180 for Mountain Dew Presents Extreme Pooping 2009. Ha ha ha!

Even if I have reservations about these events, I like your winning attitude! Go get 'em, killer!