I completely disagree with the answer to Avoiding The Issue from the March 13th Dear Prudence. The writer doesn't specify any details of the use of marijuana by her father and his wife, and it seems that Prudence is assuming that they flaunt their use, keeping bongs on the table, wandering around high and craving Taco Bell, and offering hits to whoever is in the room regardless of age. One can also assume that they're simply aging hippies who hold onto a piece of their past, or that they live in a state that has legalized medical marijuana and they're using it for pain. There are worse things to do than a little bit of smoking (think of smokers who smoke legal cigarettes, a pack a day, in rooms with children and no ventilation).

I'd also like to ask where the children are at the time of use and if they know of this "illegal drug habit". If it's done in private and the children don't know, then what's the big deal? They're still loving grandparents. The writer also doesn't mention if there have been any detrimental effects of the use of marijuana by her father and his wife. Are they negligent of the grandchildren, or does the marijuana help manage their pain so that they're better able to play a game of catch in the backyard?

Finally, has the writer ever asked them if they'd be willing to put their use on hold while the children are there? I'm guessing that if they knew it was such a big deal they would take a few days off in exchange for a wonderful visit.

I'd also like to note that it's all about how you approach it with the children. IF they happen to find out the mother can have a talk and explain why their grandfather and his wife smoke marijuana, and explain the downfalls of the drug. It would also be good at that time to detail the dangers of other, more dangerous, drugs that many people use, such as alcohol, tobacco, cocaine, prescription drug abuse, etc.

Please don't think this is a baseless argument from some junkie defending their habit. I'm 27, have MAYBE two drinks a year, and have never tried marijuana, other drugs, or even a cigarette. I simply think that the children would benefit from more visits to their grandparents who obviously care about them quite a bit. There are worse things than smoking a little bit of marijuana every day, like not caring at all.

Liz

Just a quick, very simple answer to your post...

YES it makes them criminals. Marijuana is illegal, whether or not you agree with the law. Exposing minors to the potential risks is also illegal. If Grammy and Paw-Paw get busted while they have the kids, not only will they face potential consequences for possession of a controlled/illegal substance, intent to distribute (depending on the amount), paraphernalia and endangering a minor.

On top of all that, child protective services may also remove the kids from their parents custody because their parents allowed this to happen. These are all very serious consequences for "smoking a little bit of marijuana every day".

I, for one, wouldn't risk it with my kids.

E

And indeed - is there no glaucoma? No chemotherapy?

No legitimate medical reason for the bakin' in folks that are grandparents?

All my GPs were dead by the time I was 10 - 2 died before I was born. I would give a fortune for the chance to spend more time with them, regardless of their real or imagined faults.

If there was a legitimate medical reason, why would the LW have omitted that fact. The impression I got from this letter was the marijuana use was recreational, otherwise why would they have indicated that they "love them, illegal habits aside"?

I don't think anyone, other than Prudence, is advocating dumping the grandparents. I just wouldn't open my kids up to the risk. Have Grandma and Grandpa to your house for a weekend (assuming they leave their illegal drugs at home). Encourage the relationship, not the risk.

E

But it's so much easier to pontificate than to allow your children to learn that issues are not black and white, that drug users are not all cracked out child abusers, that you can love someone dearly and not condone everything they do.

Why doesn't the mother have a mature discussion with the parents about why she's apprehensive? If the parents are mature and understanding, they will agree to lay off the habit and keep all drug paraphenalia safely out of reach and sight when the kids come. If they get offended or want to justify their actions and fight about it, that's an indication that they don't respect her view of the law and right and wrong, and it's probably not a good idea to send the kids.

But either way, it needs to start with an adult conversation, not a unilateral denial by mom. The kids already know or have a good idea what's going on, and if they don't, they definitely will soon. And that the takeaway they're going to grow up with -- if you disapprove of something someone does, it's okay to play the moral superiority card. The kids need to be talked to, as well, or they're going to think grandma and grandpa are up to something really bad, and then when they're teens they're going to have that much more reason to rebel and do drugs themselves.

If they become rebellious teens and use drugs, it will be because Papa and Step Grammy do it, so it must be okay. Not because their parents say it's wrong. How many of us non users also have parents who are non users?

I drink. Don't smoke or use any other illegal substance.
Guess what? My parents drink. Don't smoke or use any other illegal substance.

Guess what? I don't drink, smoke or use any other illegal substance. I grew up in a household where marijuana smoking was the norm with my parents and their friends.

Your example does not a trend make.

Why would you teach your child about the gray areas of life by throwing them right in to it? You don't teach them about sex by taking them to a whore house.

No mature discussion, except one ending in the grandparents giving up their habit, is going to change the fact that the grandparents regularly are engaging in illegal activities. I would no sooner send my children to the home of a habitual illegal drug user, than I would send them to the home of habitual shoplifter. It has very little to do with how I feel about the law that makes what they do illegal, but because it is, in fact, illegal.

I don't see what is gained by sending them to witness the "gray area", rather than having an open, mature, frank discussion with your children, even including the grandparents. Best of all, this can all be done in a location that doesn't put your child at risk.

I'm not sure what people aren't getting about the fact that sending them for a sleep over at Grandma's could have the kids taken away from you. That is not something I am ever willing to risk, no matter how small the risk is.

E

Personally, if I had kids, I'd rather them learn about drugs from me and other family rather than from a group of their friends who have no idea what they're getting into.

If the mom doesn't want them smoking/having it around when the kids are over, fine. They're her kids, that's her call. I just think it's a little extreme to cut off visits because of it.

Marijuana is illegal because it's so easy to grow it would be impossible for the government to tax. Really, smoking weed is healthier than smoking tobacco or drinking alcohol, but their ingredients are easier to tax, so there you go. Marijuana also has less negative effects than drinking; getting high on weed doesn't twist one's judgement or personality. It just makes one a little slow, forgetful, hungry, they laugh very easily, and takes away any nausea or pain they're feeling. It doesn't usually cause one to be abusively angry, neglectful, or dangerously reckless like alcohol or other street drugs do. Really, if the grandparents do smoke while the kids are there, the only thing that'll happen is they'll have a lot of junk food for dinner and have more fun watching comedies than usual.

The only time marijuana has a negative effect is if one lives like Cheech and does nothing but smoke 24/7. Then it turns them into a lazy bum. I think the parents should explain all this to their children; not to encourage them to do it, but to show them that the world isn't black-and-white and people aren't two-dimensional. To tell them the positives and negatives of weed, because all kids will come into contact with drugs at some point, and it's better for them to learn as much as they can in a controlled environment.

As for being busted by the police, correct me if I'm wrong, but that's not likely to happen unless they go to a drug party (which usually consists of more dangerous drugs like coke or heroine, and they seem like good grandparents who wouldn't risk the children in such a way) or meet with a dealer in a public place, in the presence of a "new client." Cops don't usually go knocking on the door of every house in the neighborhood sniffing for marijuana.

>> Marijuana makes them criminals?<<

umm...Yes?

I don't agree with it, but it IS the law. Breaking a law means you are a criminal.

Of course, so is being a Governor and screwing prostitutes, but so is getting a bj from your intern, and so is snorting coke, and ...I could go on, but you get the point.

Wanna toke?

BowHowdy cough cough

"There are worse things than smoking a little bit of marijuana every day"

Like having the children wittness thier grandparents being cuffed and hauled off by the police.

If the grandparents haven't gotten caught and lived to the age of grandparents, I think it's unlikely the cops will focus on the two senior citizens in a suburban or rural area smoking a bit of pot. It's a risk, but there's a ton of risky behaviour out there that's perfectly legal and a lot more dangerous to the kids.

My parents are daily pot smokers and I can't find fault with the way they raised my siblings and I or the way they behave around my neices, even while high. They don't even have a lot of junk food, since they're foodies, it's mostly delicious nibblies that are relatively very healthy compared to the average american diet.

Point is, the way they treat their grandchildren is with the utmost care, sensitivity and love and never do anything to endanger or corrupt the kids - including not smoking while they're present (they excuse themselves to their bedroom or the garage). They don't get giggly, they don't do harder drugs, and they have an excellent relationship with their grandkids. It would break their hearts to not be able to see them, as well as do untold damage to their relationship with my sister if she ever denied them access based on behaviour that is in no way inappropriate (legality aside).

The possession or use of marijuana is illegal; therefore, anyone doing so is, by definition, a criminal. They have the same right to choose to disobey the law as anyone else. However, in choosing to disobey, they must also accept any consequences of doing so. If one of those consequences is that their grandchildren are not permitted to visit them unsupervised, that too is part of their decision.

Even with laws which are inherently wrong, choosing to disobey them means accepting punishment or other consequences of disobedience. While many people disagree with the ban on the use of marijuana, I can think of no moral reason that makes that particular law inherently wrong. Therefore, I have no sympathy for those violating it and getting caught or, in this case, losing privileges because of it.

Bride_in_Black:

The only time marijuana has a negative effect is if one lives like Cheech and does nothing but smoke 24/7.

There are too many holes in your arguments to even attempt to dispute it in the limited time I have this morning, so I will concentrate briefly on the above sentence.

I suppose someone who smokes marijuana and drives is much more alert and is a safer driver because of it. Not.

IncogNeato:

While many people disagree with the ban on the use of marijuana, I can think of no moral reason that makes that particular law inherently wrong.

Shouldn't the burden be on the state to prove that the laws are inherently morally right? In the states, where similar substances such as alcohol and tobacco are legal, I can't see a moral justification for marijuana being illegal.

(As it is, I agree that those who chose to partake should make peace with facing the consequences, as their personal feeling of the matter are not going to change the law....)