Prudie skipped over some very big issues with the gentleman that was trying to spice up his marriage. Not only did the wife rub his nose in the fact that she had been more adventurous with previous lovers, she insulted him for not having been as creative before he met her. This is emotional bullying. These include subtle digs at his lovemaking prowess (just because something was bad with a past lover doesn't mean it will be bad with the current lover.)

This woman needs counseling, and not just for the sex issues. The man is trying to find ways to address issues in the marriage that are important to him. He doesn't seem to be wanting to go to any crazy extremes. If she doesn't feel comfortable doing these things, just say so, there is no reason to revive her past liasons as part of her answer.

How would she feel if she wanted a massage and he said no, he used to give them to his old girlfriend and it wasn't any fun. Her answer shows a selfishness. It doesn't seem to be about having sex, the husband specifically states that he isn't complaining about the number of times they have sex. It is about where and how they have sex. This is a control issue. She doesn't offer suggestions for spicing up things, she just says no, and insults him, even though he has made it clear this is important to him.

They need to find out why she needs to frame her answers in this way, whether he has done something to make her defensive, or whether she has other factors that make her act this way.

Very good point! I too found her answers to be very insulting.

Agreed. If I started to get that kind of thing from someone I was dating, after about the third or fourth time, my response would be, "Hmm, okay. Guess I'd better go out and find a girlfriend who hasn't tried all these things yet. Bye."

Obviously, a marriage deserves more effort to make it work, but this woman's attitude suggests she has a serious problem with their relationship. If that problem isn't addressed, it's going to poison their marriage, if it hasn't already.

many women consider the sex 'duty' dirty work, and certainly acting like a 'hooker' beneath themselves.

no amount of counseling is going to help here. she's got her self-image, and that doesn't include being a sex servant.

True enough, and yet.... wanting to try washing machine sex because he saw it on TV? If it's the TV show I saw washign machine sex on, it was a sitcom and they were making fun of people who thought this would be fun. If this wife had seen the same episode, I don't blame her for trying to get out of actually trying it -- who wants their sex life to turn into a sitcom?

Is it possible that all of his ideas are as ridiculous and that his suggestions to "spice things up" are a collossal turn-off? We can't tell from the letter, of course, but the presumption that this guy actually knows how to spice things up may be giving him too much benefit of the doubt, given his example. His wife may be claiming that she's tried all of his suggestions and discarded him because of the quality of the suggestions, not because she actually has. Sure, she could suggest a few things of her own, but when you're starting at what you saw on a sitcom, where do you go?

Agreed...sort of. I don't like the implication that because she was willing to do this stuff once before that she's obligated to give him a repeat performance. Maybe she genuinely doesn't like it. She still owes him a better explanation of what she does like and/or more of an effort to work past her issues with his turnons, but the quid pro quo expectation on his end bugs me.

Yep, we've had that very discussion on this Fray before, fully supported by women who hold that position.

I don't care how bad his ideas are - you don't just shoot them down and walk away. It used to piss me off immensely when my ex did that with my dinner suggestions, I think doing it with sex would have to be 10x as bad!

If she thinks his suggestions are lame, she's free to suggest something else. Instead, she prefers simply to shut him down.

If I gave up on kissing because the first guy I kissed wasn't very good at it, well, I'd never have progressed to sex. And even sex is far, far better with hubby #2.

I think she's fallen/falling OUT of love with him, and is trying to put out his pilot light.

justvisiting:

Agreed...sort of. I don't like the implication that because she was willing to do this stuff once before that she's obligated to give him a repeat performance. Maybe she genuinely doesn't like it.

So just tell him she doesn't want to do that. She doesn't need to invoke past lovers to prove her point.

...i got to know a few women. there are not many with healthy attitudes toward sex. a lot of 'verklemmt' girls out there. and the ones that do have an attitude comparable to a man's i found to be too lose between the ears for trustworthyness. somehow the two go hand in hand with women, i dont get it.

How about: I gave a woman some jewelery once, and it really didn't do anything for me. So sorry, honey, but no more bling for you.

intersurfa:

...i got to know a few women. there are not many with healthy attitudes toward sex. a lot of 'verklemmt' girls out there. and the ones that do have an attitude comparable to a man's i found to be too lose between the ears for trustworthyness. somehow the two go hand in hand with women, i dont get it.

What qualifies you to tell a woman that the healthy attitude for her to have about sex is one like yours?

Why is it that a man's "natural" attitude is automatically the right one, and the attitude most women you've met "unhealthy? What if it's your attitude that is unhealthy?

judging from the libidos in the fray, i think you might want to rethink that statement

wtf is verklemmt?

intersurfa:

many women consider the sex 'duty' dirty work, and certainly acting like a 'hooker' beneath themselves.

Bull. While there are women like that out there, that's not a normal attitude.