You might be surprised how romantic your fiance is being and you are simply missing it. As part of pre-marital counseling in my church, my pastor gave us two books to read: His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, Jr; and The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Does your fiance wash the dishes, do the grocery shopping, change (or get changed) the oil in your car? It is possible, that while these seem like everyday items to you, they are work for him, and the only reason he does them is because he loves you and wants to please you. Unfortunatley you may be missing the point, because washed dishes or basic car maintainence aren't your idea of love or romance. Basically the whole point of these books is how to understand "I love you" when it is expressed in a way other than those 3 little words. His Needs, Her Needs is a much faster, more entertaining read, and I think more practically applicable, so start with that one. You might be surprised at what you suddenly see (or don't see, who knows) in your fiance.

My thoughts exactly! My boyfriend of six months was impressed with me. He told me his first thoughts about me were "Wow! A girl who likes hockey and is into music!" Friends tell me that his presenting me with hockey game tickets to the tune of $75.00 apiece was unromantic. I told them, it is better than cut flowers that are just going to die. They think me odd!

Well, look at this way:

Are you a stereotypical, sit-com woman? If so, I can see why you pine for flowers, chocolates, and a surprise weekend.

Are you a real, down-to-earth woman? If so, then find delight in the regular flow of everyday life with this man.

If you categorize yourself as the second type, you can appreciate when he buys you a candy bar or the wine you prefer, remembers that you don't like seeds on your bagels or that you always ask for a pack of ranch dressing with your fries. You'll find romance in the gift card he got you so you can go shop at the craft store you love. You may even notice that he refills the sugar bowl so that you don't have to when you wake up later than he does.

If you categorize yourself as the first type, then hopefully you have a job where you can just take off because your honey booked a trip without telling you in advance. Hopefully, you have a big desk in an office so that other women can see your flowers and admire them. If you are lucky, you won't be one of the millions of women working to control their weight so that you can enjoy the fancy chocolates.

I'd at least take time over the next week and ask yourself if the man is good to you, and consistently does kind or thoughtful litle things. If he does, allow him to find out more over time about what makes you tick. If on the other hand, he acts as though his life would go on fine without you, go find a fellow who who is more your speed.

ICAM. I get bored when a guy thinks handing me flowers is the way to "impress" me. In fact, those guys are usually the WORST at relationships (at least in my experience) because they believe that's ALL they need to do. If I even so much as hinted at being dissatisfied with something, I'd pretty much get "I give you flowers, I take you to dinner, see what a GREAT guy I am!" and conversation ENDS.

On the opposite end, the men who just were who they were, yet let me into their lives as is, and worked WITH my personality and seemed to make an effort based on who I am, rather than "what women want"...well let's just say those were some of the most powerful feelings of appreciation and affection I've ever experienced.

Nothing is more romantic than an "unromantic" gesture made that clearly demonstrates the man was really LISTENING what you were saying and WATCHING the way you live.

My sister in law used to get annoyed and frustrated with her then boyfriend (now husband) when he'd spend the whole day working outside on the lawn and the landscaping and working on house. She felt like he was ignoring her and didn't want to be with her. They read the Languages of Love book together and she learned that taking care of their house was his way of showing how much he loved her. He also learned that she needed him to spend some time just with her on the weekends for her to feel valued. It really helped them learn to understand each other and improved their relationship.

Good point. It use to drive me crazy that my boyfriend didn't (and still doesn't, lol) do the 'traditional' romantic things of flowers, cards, etc. But his other actions spoke of his love just as well and I was missing it. Ie> Everytime we walk on a street he gently but firmly moves to the curb side so he's closest to the cars. I finally asked him what the heck he was doing and he said he was protecting me from traffic. Come on, how sweet is that? If you look, actions really are louder than words and no gesture should be overlooked.

But on the flip side...I do think your guy should make some effort to give you what you're asking for at least once in a while. That would frustrate me if I asked for something 1/2 way reasonable, that my bf could easily do, and he kept choosing to never do it.

This guy apparently thought he was trying. Without knowing what else the card card, we don't know if he's an idiot, or she missed something, or he's perhaps trying to get to to commit to WHEN she'll be his wife. If he was doing the "wine, bread and thee" thing, he probably was hurt that she thought it was lame, and wonders why he can't do anything right.

We don't even do V-Day, so if I got even a candy kiss, I'd think it was special. (Of course, forgetting my birthday could be fatal!)

One of the most romantic things my husband ever gave me was a 99-cent Hostess lemon pie. I'd been rhapsodizing about how much I loved them as a child, and a few days later, he spotted a display of them at the grocery store, remembered that I liked them, and brought one home for me as a surprise. Anyone can buy a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates, but it takes someone who really loves you to pick up on the little things.

I'd like to stick up for the writer of the letter. I don't think that she is hung up on the lack of "traditional" romance (flowers, candy, etc.) in the relationship but rather feels hurt that her fiance doesn't seem to care about her feelings. She writes that she has told him what she wants, both directly and through hints, and he still hasn't gotten it. This man sounds incredibly insensitive, thickheaded, or both. Either way, I think it's a good idea to question spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't make you feel special. I usually like Prudie's advice, but I feel that she's off here-- it's not about nice dinners or romantic getaways, it's about feeling loved and valued.

After four years, you'd think she'd reallize by now that whatever tactics she's using to train him to become the man she wants instead of the man he is, simply aren't working. She's needs to accept him as is or to cut her losses.

I had thought maybe he got the "wife" card on purpose, to be sweet, like "I'm so glad you're my fiancee, I can't wait until you're my wife." Aww! And she just thought he was lazy. Poor guy. :o(

DH also walks on the curb side. The tradition/etiquette started way back when and the idea was that if a passing horse splashed mud she wouldn't get muddy/wet. I've seen this practiced most often by men raised in the southeast US. Living in the big bad city DH sometimes wonders if he would be "protecting" me more if he walked in between me and the vagrants leaning on the buildings... ;-)

It is the sexiest, most romantic thing ever when I come home from a hard day at the office, and the boy-toy (who works part time and goes to school full time, so he has plenty on HIS plate too) is standing there at the sink in yellow gloves doing the dishes. Rawr!

But then, he also gets me flowers and chocolate now and then because it appeals to his old-fashioned side.

I guess I'm just really damn lucky. :D

You are so right. Noticing that we're low on milk and picking more up, knowing what kind of spoon to bring me with soup versus ice cream (because I'm OCD, don't ask), THOSE are the most romantic things about my boyfriend.. :)