Oh, I should so not be responding to these letters right now. I have stuff due tomorrow and not enough hours in my day and yet... I am drawn to the Fray. I just can't help myself, by the time I read the last letter I was frothing at the mouth (which will teach me to brush my teeth and read Dear Prudence at the same time).

Dear Spilt,

Dump the boyfriend and tell your friend that it was because you know he made up the “secret” in order to get even with you during an argument. I have a feeling he made it up anyway, since he now claims he doesn’t remember. In fact, I have taken a great dislike to your boyfriend. There are a lot of reasons to not get married and some, like “I’m not ready yet,” are very good ones. The reason your boyfriend gave was complete schlock. You may also not be aware that trying to convince someone to marry you against his wishes is not a good way to continue a long-term relationship. That’s not a secret, that’s general knowledge.

Secondly, you may want to carry a shoehorn with you for the next time you get your foot stuck in your mouth. How in the world did you manage to pop this “secret” into your rant about your boyfriend’s inability to commit? You have wrecked your friendship with this woman, so stop fretting about that. What you need to worry about is whether or not you have some deep seated jealousy issues that led to your yammering mouth get the better of you. Did you consciously or subconsciously spill the beans in order to destroy her happy, perfect family? Think long and hard about that. The best thing you can do now is so somewhere and learn about self-restraint, far away from the couple and this

ArchaeologyChick

[Full Disclosure: The ArchaeologyChick dislikes secrets, they give her acid indigestion. She REALLY hates people who use secrets as weapons in arguments. She absolutely HATES people who blab secrets. She suspects that people blab secrets to others in order to hurt others. In this case she suspects that Spilt spilled the secret to her “friend” to get back at her for having a happy marriage with her childhood sweetheart and for giving birth to a beautiful child.]

Dear Touchy-Feely Video,

Despite Prude trying to turn this into a bigger issue between your fiancée and your family (what the heck was that pointed remark about “toleration vs. adoration”?) this is actually a pretty basic problem that can be solved very easily in a few simple steps.
1) Quietly explain to your family that overt displays of affection are a little overwhelming for your fiancée and ask them to turn it down a notch; do not mention your father’s possibly lusty disposition.
2) You’ve done a great job listening to your fiancées feelings and respecting them; try to run hug interference as much as possible so that she can enjoy trips to see your family.
Wishing you all the best in the coming years,

ArchaeologyChick

[Full Disclosure: The ArchaeologyChick’s fiancé is not a hugger and her folks are. While there is nothing lusty about AC’s dad’s hugs, the young man was visibly disquieted by them. Thus the AC took the above steps and balance was restored. In return, she gets back up when harassed about her dismal Danish by her future in-laws.]

Dear Actions,

Have you read the book “He’s just not that into you”? Does it ring a bell? I’m not hearing that he has made any positive actions towards you of any kind. I can’t even imagine how he proposed. Are you sure that you are engaged to this man? If someone treated me this badly, I’d be out of the relationship before you could say, “Call me!” Are you sure he even exists? No dates, no flowers, no way! Has anyone else met Harvey? Do they look at you funny when you introduce them to Harvey? Have you ever introduced Harvey to anyone, or has he always been away on business, or held up at the office, or saving starving children in Africa? Whether or not Harvey is or is not real, you should not marry him, nor continue to date him. Someone who is unable to purchase a Valentines Day card with the correctly worded interior (either because he isn’t real or isn’t really into you) is not someone you want as a life partner. You have to show your love if you want love in return from the

ArchaeologyChick

[Full Disclosure: The ArchaeologyChick was married to a man who would buy movies he wanted, wrap them in a towel and give them to her as her birthday gift. No, she still can’t remember why she married him.]

Dear Obligation,

Why, after asking about a moral obligation Prudie lectures you on legal obligations? (No, don’t answer, I’m sure someone else will kindly fill me in later.) You don’t want to make any further reports that you already know will be ignored and may only leave you embittered and ostracized from other ex-coworkers. So don’t make any further reports. If it comes up in an exit interview with your department director, i.e. “was there anyone you worked with that made the job less than perfect” you may, only if you feel comfortable, mention the slime ball. It would probably help the director understand why he can’t keep any female employees, but no, you are not morally obligated to make a scene. The ultimate choice is up to you, and not the

ArchaeologyChick

[Full Disclosure: If the ArchaeologyChick had ever had a job in an office environment, she might have a better idea about office etiquette and expectations. However, she is more of the “give as good as you get” type of person and is likely to some day be under investigation for sexual harassment herself. She works in a male dominated field, but has responded by learning to burp loudly and often. If the rest of the office-rats are lucky, they will never have to work with her.]

Dear Says-she’s-unsure-but-is-damn-­sure-she-is-right,

In a word: yes. In more words: You are so wrong it hurts. Let us carefully deconstruct your letter and see just where you went wrong.
1) It is your PARENTS wedding anniversary. They may chose to celebrate it any way they want.
2) You were going to throw them a party. It was going to be YOUR party, wasn’t it? You were looking forward to all of the thanks you were going to get for being so selfless, weren’t you? And no it’s been co-opted. This is what you are bitter about.
3) Who died and made you Taste Guru? You seem to be confusing embarrassment for poor taste. My god, if I had a nickel for every time my parents did something that was embarrassing I’d be rich. If they want to get jiggy with it on the dance floor, I’ll be embarrassed, but their dancing is certainly not in poor taste. Poor taste is hitting on widows at the funeral. Poor taste was Prudie’s response to this letter. Poor taste is denying a loving couple from having fun because you think it’s in poor taste.
4) At what age do you feel that people should shuffle off and let you be Queen Of The Universe? That woman gave birth to you, wiped your ass, held your hair when you vomited in the middle of the night, and threw you birthday parties when you were little. I’ll bet she even helped (or will help) you out with your wedding. I think she’s earned a big fancy wedding, which she’s going to throw for herself and her husband, not requiring you to lift a finger, where all of her friends and family can come back and celebrate a marriage that worked out. I think more 25th anniversaries should be celebrated this way.
5) Your siblings are right and you are lucky they aren’t writing in to advice columnists about how their sibling is a complete and utter ass wipe.
I sure hope that I can entertain my children someday by having a huge blowout aniversary party and by continuing to refer to myself as an

ArchaeologyChick

[Full Disclosure: The ArchaeologyChick thinks that if more people spent time celebrating love at any age, the world would be a better place. And any child that she will (in the future, quite possibly) have that behaves like the LW will find him or herself disowned.]

Now, if you all will excuse me, I have to spit...

I'm w/you on the Actions LW. I dated a guy for 2.5 years, and yes, he was the most unromantic person I've ever dated. On the rare occasions that he bought gifts for me, they were, invariably, cds or movie posters. I'd try dropping hints about cards, flowers, things I liked . . . nothing. But I kept believing that he'd see the light of day and start doing things for me that he knew would make me happy. It wasn't about the expense. It was about the regard. I didn't need kittens or a pony ride or breakfast in bed . . . I just wanted to know that he cared, in little ways.

On my final birthday with him, when I was thinking I would get an engagement ring, I instead got a movie poster. I asked him if we would ever get engaged, and he said yes. I asked when. He said "After you get your Ph.D." (I was, at that point, 6 months from finishing my B.A. and hadn't even gotten a confirmation letter to graduate school for my M.A.) Realizing we were going nowhere, I broke up with him.

He was engaged to one of my friends 9 months later.

So, yes, the presents don't make the relationship, and yes, people show love in various ways, but if the person you're dating doesn't care enough to get you things you like or do easy things for you that he/she knows would make you happy, there's probably a reason for it. Listen to that little voice in the back of your head that says "He doesn't care."

... with your problems, since you helped everyone else so nicely.

First, it's good that you've admitted your addiction. Now run with it. No cure is necessary. If you miss your deadline, you're a punk - good addicts learn to function.

Second, good Danish can be found in nearly any city, you just have to find the right bakery.

Fitzpatrick... great reply (bang-on).

I like the line about 'Danish' because it sounds cool/funny. More to it? (noticed it's capitalized)

One not-so-minor quibble. You said: "The ArchaeologyChick thinks that if more people spent time celebrating love at any age, the world would be a better place. And any child that she will (in the future, quite possibly) have that behaves like the LW will find him or herself disowned.]"

You are not ever done being a parent, but you can get better and more subtle at it as you go along. Well, at least most of us can. If you find that you have raised a child that behaves like a butthead on occasion, please don't disown him or her. Point out a better way to approach the occasion.

For example, the LW could start drinking early in the parents' (second) wedding festivities. Then she wouldn't be nearly so embarrassed, unless she is the kind of woman who jumps up on a table and starts dancing when she is drunk. At least then whe wouldn't be so embarrassed about her parents' bad taste.

I'm glad to see someone taking a view on LW2 other than "she's just a greedy bitch." She might be (I'm a girl, and I've never understood the squealing mess that is Valentine's Day), but as always, it's hard to tell in short letters. There's a difference between being angry that a guy didn't go all out for you on Valentine's Day, and being upset because he makes zero effort at all to get to know your likes and dislikes or do something special for you. My father was the type of guy who made little-to-no effort in either marriage or parenting, and ultimately it became clear that he just didn't care about anyone's interests but his own.

The first one couldn't have been better.

Speaking of guys hitting on widows at funerals, I can top that. An elderly woman I know was sitting on the empty bed opposite her husband in his hospital room as he lay dying. One man came in, sat next to her, put his arm around her, and essentially asked her to go out with him, once the funeral was over.

I think most parents aren't really wired for disowning. It's a nice threat to toss around, but very difficult to pull off in practice. Fortunately for us all.

HighOnCrackMcCain:

Fitzpatrick... great reply (bang-on).

I like the line about 'Danish' because it sounds cool/funny. More to it? (noticed it's capitalized)

Thanks for the support! The comment was simply in response to this semi-lament:

"In return, she gets back up when harassed about her dismal Danish by her future in-laws."

See, AG doesn't have any real problems, so I had to latch onto these minor indications of weakness. And I love puns.

Fitzpatrick:

I think most parents aren't really wired for disowning. It's a nice threat to toss around, but very difficult to pull off in practice. Fortunately for us all.

Too true... which is why I always threatened mine by telling them that I would sell them to the gypsies the next time the carnival was in town - and then later claiming, when they questioned me about it, that I'd tried, but as their reputations had preceded them I couldn't find a damn Gypsy willing to give me a plug nickel for any of them.

That said, I really really really liked AC's answers... though I still think LW2 is a fucktard for spending four years of her life trying to change somebody who is never going to change. She may be perfectly justified in wanting the things she wants, but wanting them from him is obviously idiotic... and still wanting them from him after four freaking years just boggles the imagination...

Archaeology Chick - You Rock!!

Okay okay, I won't disown my kids... I got carried away in the moment. Of course, I don't have any kids, so it is doubly easy to say that I will do or not do a thing when I have way of doing either.

Like, when I am somewhere really hot and say, "that's it I'm shaving my head!" I make sure first that there are NO RAZORS anywhere. This way I can say a thing and not have to follow through.

Sometimes I can be a real punk. (But not the kind of punk who misses deadlines - Fitz, I totally leapt off the internets after your remark and finished my work the day before it was due! Hoo-Hah!)

Didn't someone famous once say that insanity was repeating an action again and again and expecting a different outcome? (I just googled that and got hits ranging from Einstein to 28 Days.) In that case, LW2 is a fucking nutcase.

Oh, and I almost forgot - tonto, I should have mentioned you specifically in the previous post, because I can tell you are worried about my future parenting skills! :-)

I hear-by promise that if I raise horrible butthead children, it is my own damn fault and I will accept the blame.

Unless I find a way to blame their father.

Heh heh heh.

(I'm totally kidding! I love my fiance and I am sure he's going to make a great father! Sorry, sorry *my* personal buttheadness seems to be seeping out! Oh, god, I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night working!!)

Glad to help. Now let me know how the pastry search turns out.

Alas, danishes are Danish in the same way french fries are French, in that they aren't. To me a danish was a bear claw-like object. Here there are a number of pastries that could also be called "danishes" except that they really are more like pastries, phyllo (sp?) dough, whipped cream, chocolate shell and a strawberry. They also all have very different names and sometimes there are certain pastries that you eat on certain religious days. Don't ask me which ones these are, I'm still reeling from the other food rules I've had to learn.

I do like going into bakeries and asking "what is the Danish name of this danish?" Although it lacks some punch since often the person at the counter is not aware that we call them danishes. Or perhaps that makes it more funny. Depends on how you're feeling.