Dear Secret Spoiler,

Marriage does not change a relationship. If you were miserable before, you'll be miserable after. If you were happy before, chances are you'll be happy after. To answer your question, I'd suggest telling her that your boyfriend threw it in your face during an arguement, yet he doesn't remember the details. So it probably wasn't anything big .... But she has to decide whether she trusts her husband or her bad mouthing friend more, and you can't help with that.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Actions Speak Louder Than Words,

He is what he is. Either deal or leave. People don't change their nature because they've been asked nicely.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Resignation Obligation

Since you've tried and it's been futile, you've already done what you've needed to do. Move on with a clear conscience.

PhysicsGirl

Dear Unsure,

If she wants it, and she's funding it, why the hell not? Are all the parties you've thrown in the best taste? Probably not.

PhysicsGirl

Good advice, but far too sensible for these cretins. Pearls before swine and all that.

Probably. But at least I get some amusement from figuring out what I think they should do. And it keeps me from going crazy from too many Monte Carlo simulations.....

PG,

I must say I agree with you. The two letters that really got me for #2 and #4. On those points, I can only add the following:

I am a married to what some would call a terribly unromantic man. I am not one of those people. Sure, he doesn't get me flowers or cards or any of that stuff. His first gift to me was purple hair dye (12 years ago and I still have it). But there are little things he does that are incredibly sweet. He is a computer geek, and he named our respective hard drives after historical lovers. He kisses my forehead when I'm typing on the computer. I have a friend whose long-time boyfriend can hardly remember when her birthday is, but he picked up his entire life and moved across the country and supported her financially so she could follow her dream. My point is this - look beyond Valentine's day. Look for the everyday ways he shows he loves you. If you easily find them and they make you smile, learn to appreciate these moments. If not, perhaps reconsider why you are in this relationship moving towards marriage.

As for letter number four, I was actually a little offended. My mom, too, did not get the glorious day most brides dream of and there are few things I wish I could give her more than that day. Sure, some may consider it weird, but it's not about them. It's about your parents. I'm sure that they stayed silent and loved you and supported you when you did something they considered awkward. Let them have a day to renew their vows, and appreciate that your parents, after 25 years, love each other enough that they'd do it all over again.

The response on #1 is factually incorrect. If the majority of marriages end in divorce, then being happy before the marriage is far from a reliable indicator of happiness after the wedding.

But miserable before the wedding - that's probably a pretty solid indicator. :)

I suspect many divorces happen because the people really weren't happy beforehand. Another portion happen because one or both people change. You can't force someone to change, but sometimes life does that. I think very few people who are happy with each other and accept their spouses for who they are, actually divorce.

Of course, I have no statistics to back up my thoughts, so take it as you will!

IndependentOH:

As for letter number four, I was actually a little offended. My mom, too, did not get the glorious day most brides dream of and there are few things I wish I could give her more than that day. Sure, some may consider it weird, but it's not about them. It's about your parents. I'm sure that they stayed silent and loved you and supported you when you did something they considered awkward. Let them have a day to renew their vows, and appreciate that your parents, after 25 years, love each other enough that they'd do it all over again.

I agree. isn't a 25th anniversary wedding a nicer, happier and less tacky occassion than an ostentatious wedding between a couple of 20 year olds that daddy paid for? 25 years and a couple of kids - THAT'S the time to celebrate a union!

I think very few people who are happy with each other and accept their spouses for who they are, actually divorce.

Wow, agreed. Haven't you ever known two people who were getting married and been 100% sure they would get divorced? I suspect that kind of thing happens a lot, but people really want to wed, so they just do.

life is a journey, and if getting married (or having kids, or other important life stages) don't change you (for the better?) then what's the purpose of life?