I thought you a bit hard on the 19 year old who has several gigs working with small children, etc. I have trouble with the idea that everyone should be making "career choices" at 19. Besides, it sounds clear she wants to work with kids. In any case, not everyone is ready for college then, either. And not everyone does or should go to college. A young woman who is managing to do work she likes, for which she is given praise by her employers, despite her overbearing parent, should not, IMHO, be given more pressure by you. I think she just wanted an OK that it was okay for her to live her life in a way that's currently working for her, despite Alpha-dad. Who are you to tell her where to go next, or how quickly? She could be doing all sorts of other career- or non-career-related useful things as well that she didn't mention. Perhaps you might lighten up? Miep

Mieprowan, I completely agree. Prudie's advice was uncalled for and probably just plain wrong. I have close relatives with similar problems who have dealt with them successfully by taking things slowly, just like this girl wants to.

Most nineteen-year-olds are not ready to make a "real career choice" -- certainly not ones with serious anxiety problems. And as sympathetic as the suggestion to drug her up was, the far better approach seems to me to let her take her time.

I am quite proud of this young 19 year old! She is doing a real job..but of course some adults will think it is not. She is doing a job that really matters, and helping teach little children! Just like child care providers she has a real job and it is more important than most "jobs". People like Prudie are the kind that throw their kid to child care providers and teachers and go off to what they call a real career..When a child is so much more important! I give this 19 year old a lot of credit for finding the real career! Now what kind of work does the father do??

The LW makes a HUGE point about how "sensitive" she is. I suspect that her father is probably like most parents who want to see their kids succeed at something rather than muck about with pretend jobs and live at home forever.

Her whining about her dad's work habits has more to do with her feeling sorry for herself than reality. How does she think she can afford to live at home rent-free? She's happy to take dad's money, but she has no interest in earning her own?

She's 19. Most of her classmates are probably in college. How would it hurt her to get her behind into school and get a degree in Early Childhood Ed? Not at all. I bet her father would even pay for it.

I'm going to disagree with everybody here a little bit.

Yes Messy, going into college before she is ready could hurt her. If she isn't at a place where she can dedicate herself to school then all enrolling is going to do is load her transcript with bad grades. Possibly load her up with a hefty amount of student loans too. Nobody needs to be enrolling in school because somebody else thinks that is a good idea.

However, having four part time jobs isn't a good path either. I'll guarantee you she doesn't have any benefits, even assuming that she is making enough to cover her own bills (highly doubtful). If she wants to do child care then she needs to find one full time job doing child care and commit herself to that.

There is a way to do what she wants in a more responsible manner. That is the path she needs to get on.

I agree with you Messy. The LW makes a point that she gets worried that people will get mad at her if she makes a mistake. I used to teach swimming to children back when I was a teenager and it wasn't the kids who were a problem, it was the parents. Yes, some parents are sweet and wonderful and some parents are overprotective crazy people!

At a nursery school kids fall down, kids get hurt, can you imagine how she will be able to handle it if this happens to a child under her care and the child has a super overprotective parent?

I knew parents who get upset if they get paint on their clothes. How can this girl who admits to severe anxiety disorders be able to handle a confrontation from upset overprotective mother?

I see no problem with her wanting a career in child care but holding 4 jobs as the LW said "Right now, I have four such jobs as a preschool aide: three of them are one day a week, and the other is as often as they need me." None of these are stable. I am sure each year is dependent on the enrollment on the number of kids in preschool so next year she could very easily only have one job, one day a week. How will she make any money? Buy clothes? Go out with friends? Does she expect her father to pay her rent and utilities? Not to be a downer here but the economy is tanking and people are going to stop spending money where they don't have to and most pre-schools are private; people need to pay a lot of money for them. She could very easily find herself out of the job next year without much notice because I don't know if preschool aides even have contracts. Also how long will she be content to just be an aide? How long will schools hire her without a degree? At what age will she reach being an aide when parents decide she is creepy to be around young kids without actually being certified to do it?

Her father only wants her to be able to stand on her own two feet. At 19 (although I was in school) I was beginning to feel guilty for my father sending me money and I wanted to be independent already.

Yes, working with kids is wonderful but she needs help to get her anxiety under control and get out there and grow up.

SusanM:

Yes Messy, going into college before she is ready could hurt her. If she isn't at a place where she can dedicate herself to school then all enrolling is going to do is load her transcript with bad grades. Possibly load her up with a hefty amount of student loans too. Nobody needs to be enrolling in school because somebody else thinks that is a good idea.

I have to agree with this. I went straight from high school to college at 18, while I was also suffering from undiagnosed depression. My transcript is indeed loaded with bad grades, including a couple classes I flunked when I couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed. If I had it do over again, I would wish to have the courage that the LW has to face her mental illness, and put off college for a year or so while getting treatment.

I do agree that the LW will soon need to figure out a way to support herself. Perhaps her best path is to work and/or go to school part-time for a set time while aggressively treating her illness. (And I don't mean just meds.) After she has a better handle on her illness, she'll be able to get so much more out of college, and life after college.

What she really, truly needs is to get some counselling from a no-nonsense psychologist or psychiatrist that will force her to sort out the real problems from the excuses. There's no reason for her to sit around feeling sorry for herself and living off her father's money forever.

As it stands now, she's not getting treated and she's not going to school. It's perfectly understandable that her father is losing his patience with her. I still don't buy that he's some kind of ogre. In her situation, anyone who doesn't agree with her is the enemy. She needs to get over it.

tigerfly:

I went straight from high school to college at 18, while I was also suffering from undiagnosed depression. My transcript is indeed loaded with bad grades, including a couple classes I flunked when I couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed.

Would it be the end of the world? Waiting as she has, she's not going to shine for most employers as a shooting star who needs to be snatched up. Early child development and teaching are both professions with high demand, the pay notwithstanding.

I farted around my first 2 1/2 years of college. I flunk a PE class simply because I didn't feel like making up the final, which I couldn't do with the class because of an injury. My GPA was in the low "2"s. However, once I decided what I really wanted to do, which she claims she has, I haven't had anything less than an "A" since (knock on wood!)

The best thing for her father to do, as I implied elsewhere, is to give her a date by which she's getting kicked out to lve on her own. Pay the deposits and the first month of rent, if he wants to be nice, but she needs to be on her own awhile to get the motivation to achieve more than a minimum wage, parttime job. It certainly helped me, and most of my non-traditional-student classmates.

Maybe it isn't the end of the world but if going to college now isn't going to get her anything positive - why are you all pushing so hard for her to go? "Here girl, you don't want to go to school and neither you nor the world will benefit from you doing so, but go anyway!"

Yes, she needs to get off her butt and start making progress with her life. But college is not the only way to do that. She could bounce jobs for a few years and still look better to employers than if she has to give them a transcript full of bad grades.

Hang on a second, I know schooling is part of the whole get a job thing but no where in the letter did the LW mention that her father is pushing her off to college or that is she is afraid to go to school because of her anxiety.

"My dad is very smart, with a type A personality and a successful, high-pressure job. I am very shy and sensitive, and cannot work in such a setting. If I did, I would get a panic attack every time I did something wrong for fear that everyone would be mad at me... Yet my dad is unhappy. All he says when I mention these accomplishments is, "That's great, but you should be doing more. You need a full-time job that's challenging and that you can learn valuable skills from."

I just copied two excerpts of the letter, it sounds from the letter that she is happy with the four jobs she has now the father just wants her to have a full time job. I am sure if she had a full time job as a nursery school teacher he would be fine with that. Currently she is just an aide who only works one day a week for each job and one that only calls when they need extra help. I am sure that she has no benefits and her father knows his health insurance won't be covering her for much longer on his policy.

Now if her father is highly successful, we must assume that the LW is used to nicer things... nice clothes, good food ect. I am sure that four part time jobs are not supporting this girl in the lifestyle that she has become accustomed and her father is still supporting her. There is nothing wrong with a parent pushing his child to succeed and be able to support oneself.

I have had bouts with anxiety myself and I know that the only way to overcome them is to get a push. Sometimes I am able to provide the push myself. Sometimes you need someone else to tell you to do it. The LW has to become aware that the jobs she has now are not good enough to support herself. Maybe that means daddy needs to take away the credit cards. I can sympathize with her not wanting to take a job on Wall Street or as an ER doctor because of the anxiety but she isn't afraid to go outdoors, to interact with people so she should do something that moves her towards her goal of working with children. I am sure she is capable, she just hasn't been pushed enough.

Incogneato: No, it would not be the end of the world. It wasn't the end of mine. Unlike you, though, the subjects I did worst in were the ones I loved and majored in. My grades did mean that I can't get into one of the graduate programs I'd like to, at least not until I'm a few more years past college when they'd be more likely to make an exception for me.

Speaking from my own experience, the more time you have to take to keep yourself together, the less time you have to make friends, to do homework, to go to class, to join activities, to actually explore and enjoy college. Because when you're so busy just trying to stay barely functional, you miss out on all the things that college has to offer, including the social networking that can benefit you in your career. Lots of people make mistakes, "fart around," behave irresponsibly. It's just a lot easier to bounce back when you don't have that extra burden.

In more practical terms, if the LW chooses college, her anxiety attacks can (and perhaps will) cause major problems if she doesn't figure out effective ways of dealing with them ahead of time. The huge set of standardized tests that potential teachers have to take to get their certification springs to mind. (Hmm...I wonder if LW has even taken the ACT or SAT). I guess my point is that, though you're right, it won't be the end of the world, her life will be much easier if she gets her problems under control now, not after she's failed all her final exams, or when she's in her second jobless month after graduation. She should sit down with her folks, figure out a treatment plan and time table, and get down to work. It's either get her shit together now, or pay for it later.

Just my experience, and the LW actually has to want to deal with her problems for any of it to be worthwhile, anyway.

Even a full-time job at a day care or fast food restaurant or in retail would offer the hope of her being self-sufficient. However, as I explained to my kids, while she may not need a 4-year degree to make ends meet, most people need something beyond high school to get better than a minimum wage job, especially in today's job market.

Even a certificate in childcare, hair-cutting, or one of dozens of other certifications that don't require 4 years of college would greatly improve her earning potential. Also, being trained in something, instead of being expected to learn on her own, should relieve a lot of that anxiety. Knowing that you know how to do what you're expected to do is very reassuring.

The problem I see is this push that 'school is the answer' and 'you have to go to school'. I disagree. I think what every person HAS to do is sit down and develop a career plan, then take the necessary steps to implement that. By putting the focus on the schooling and not the career path, people wind up wasting a lot of time, money and effort.

A few examples.

I got a four year degree at one of the leading schools in my state, in a nationally recognized program. Maintained dean's list throughout my schooling. Graduated and found out that my degree qualified me for very few jobs. The few jobs that it did qualify me for tended to pay about $1 more an hour than similar jobs you could get with a GED. I was turned down for multiple higher paying jobs outside of my field because as soon as the human resource people saw my degree, they said I wasn't a fit so obviously I wouldn't stick around. So, I went to grad school :P

Now I work with a bunch of PhDs. The head honcho in my division, with 30 years experience and a PhD, makes less than my sister with 5 years experience and a bachelors in a different field. Like almost a full third less.

A friend of mine, with a masters, makes less than her husband does with a high school diploma.

So obviously, schooling isn't always the answer. If somebody wants a particular job, does the research and sees that schooling is needed, by all means go for it. But that research needs to be done, and tailored to the individual, for the best results. One size does not fit all and "schooling" can be a huge waste if somebody is just sort of randomly grabbing at a degree that sounds interesting.

No, 4-year degrees and higher are NOT always the answer. However, an electrician, carpenter, etc. makes quite a bit more than many people, and either go through a paid apprenticeship or attend school for 1-2 years. I myself have a 2-year degree, and make more than more college professors and more than many 4-year bachelor and higher fields where I work. The average annual salary for people in my son's 2-year major, 5 years after graduation, is $100,000. More importantly, it's a field a guy with limited interests and awkward social skills can feel really comfortable in, and it's something he truly enjoys.

Ther important thing isn't sitting in a classroom. It's learning to do something which you can prove you know how to do, which you will enjoy, and which you can support yourself with. Most people don't feel the need to be rich; but most do need food, shelter, clothing, transportation, and medical care. Bumming around in part time jobs until Dad kicks her out isn't likely to fill those needs.