I disagree with Prudie's advice about the boyfriend. Has she considered that the boyfriend may be from another culture, where he has obligations to be with his parents?

I have seen Asian men refuse to live separately from their parents, not because they are abnormal but because that is their culture. Prudie may want to consider that the man may come from a tradition of enjoying the closeness of a joint family.

Only Americans enjoy living totally alone. I wouldn't advise anyone to dump a six-year relationship in order to conform to this oppressive norm. Maybe instead the girlfriend could talk to her man about moving closer to his parents or moving in with them?

I enjoyed living with my husband's parents and it made things better when the children came. Of course they were nice and there were no weird family dynamics--that too has to be considered.

But Prudie's response seems a little close-minded and tilted towards the expectations of typical American Suburbia--a failed model in my view. Instead maybe the girlfriend needs to change her expectations of having hubby all to herself, all the time. That's also pretty selfish.

We don't really know enough to say if he is so dangerously unbalanced that she should break up with him. I found Prudie's advice to be uninformed and hasty.

Have you considered that his running to Mommy all the time is a little odd even for an Asian family? Even if his parents were very traditonal, they would be pushing for the couple to get married and move and something would have been said to the woman in the equation, and it hasn't.

I suspect that he's using Mommy as an excuse to avoid spending time with his girlfriend. They both work, and we all know how that goes - depending on the jobs they have, the only real time they get to relax together is on weekends...but wait, they don't do that!

Someone even pointed out that he may be going to see his REAL girlfriend on the weekends. Let's take that one step further and wonder if, perhaps, he's going to see his wife and kids. Wouldn't that be a nasty poser?

The LW doesn't have a boyfriend, she has a tenant with benefits. If she can afford the house on her own, she should buy him out, pack his Donald Duck lunchbox and send him home to Mommy for good.

If it really was a cultural thing, do you honestly think this man would be living six hours away from his parents?

I dont think the oddity arises in the man wanting to see his family often. I generally see my parents every weekend and even during the week sometimes as well. (Despite growing up in the "failed" model of American suburbia.) But my parents live 20 minutes away. This man is driving six hours to see his parents every weekend which is an enormous waste of time, energy & gas. Its bizarre at best to make such a sojourn that often.

Im sure when you were living with your husband's family, having them so present in your lives was a bonus to your relationship in many ways because you had built in help with your kids. For this couple, his need to be with his family every weekend seems to be preventing them from having much of a relationship. What does this woman do every Friday and Saturday night? Who does all the chores and errands that usually happen on weekends?

I agree with Prudie. I dont think moving near his family will help. He has determinedly placed her second for years and years at this point. Moving close would probably only save on gas for him and push her even further out of the loop.

Wow. I personally think it's pretty admirable to go out of your way to stay close to your family. Six hours is a bit much, I'll admit, but you can only guess that he enjoys the drive (I'm a bit the same way).

Nothing like getting out of your house, taking a drive, and seeing the people you love. Sorry, I agree with the person who said that this is a particular American phenomenon. My Euro-ish family goes to great pains to see a lot of each other, and it's very 'stabilizing', for lack of a better word. The parents don't get isolated, everyone can help each other out and it's just a good thing for your life in general.

There's this strange, juvenile notion people get that seeing your folks a lot makes you childish instead of mature and responsible. Maintaining family bonds is important.

At the expense of having a fulfilling, adult relationship? I dont think so. A trip once a month is reasonable, even every other week might be reasonable. Hosting his parents at their home occasionally is reasonable. His driving there every single weekend is unreasonable.

I agree with a previous poster, some nights during the week Im so tired and busy and swamped from the work day that I can barely remember if I saw my fiance, much less spent quality time with him. If we had no weekend time to reconnect and do fun stuff and actually have time to talk, we would have broken up long ago.

There is nothing juvenile or immature about staying close to one's parents and family. There is something juvenile and immature about using that to avoid intimacy with an adult partner. This clearly has crossed the line and fallen into that second circumstance.

EVERY weekend is still a bit much, don't you think? Perhaps SHE has a family SHE's like to see sometimes. Or go to an amusement park or a museum or a play or ....

He can't cut the apron strings. She needs to cut him. Can you imagine how incapacitated he'll be once his parents are gone?

Hubby felt a strong obligation to his mother, too. We always lived within a 3 hour drive. My parents were nearby, so our visits weren't all about him visiting her. And we usually only went up on average of once a month, unless there were a good reason to go, like she was sick or my brother was getting married.

There needs to be a balance between an adult's adult relationships and his ties to his parents, no matter where he's from.

Sickday:

Wow. I personally think it's pretty admirable to go out of your way to stay close to your family. Six hours is a bit much, I'll admit, but you can only guess that he enjoys the drive (I'm a bit the same way).

Nothing like getting out of your house, taking a drive, and seeing the people you love. Sorry, I agree with the person who said that this is a particular American phenomenon. My Euro-ish family goes to great pains to see a lot of each other, and it's very 'stabilizing', for lack of a better word. The parents don't get isolated, everyone can help each other out and it's just a good thing for your life in general.

There's this strange, juvenile notion people get that seeing your folks a lot makes you childish instead of mature and responsible. Maintaining family bonds is important.

Yes, but every weekend? EVERY weekend!!?? That's not bonds, that's epoxy. That is not having time for a life. If my kid were driving that far every weekend to see me and I wasn't terminally ill, I would be telling him to knock it off! I have things to do on the weekends myself! Not to mention the little greenie thing in me would have a fit britch over the waste of gas when we both have online capability and phones.

I could see every other maybe, every month, sure, but every weekend??? If he needs that much contact he should move closer or they should.

Yes, Sickday, my husband was European also. Asians and Hispanics are even more family oriented. Personally I think a lot of Americans just don't "get" that.....for them it is all about them, their lives, their relationship, their "balance"...even though they really don't have any.

Look, I'm older now, my friends are older, and after the agfe of 30 ditching a six-year relationship is a big deal. Who's to say she's going to get into another good relationship, buy a house, have a family? She may just find herself sitting alone and wishing she'd tried harder to work it out.

The trouble is we don't know enough to make any judgements. I would not say that visiting your parents frequently, even at great expense and taking a lot of trouble, is by itself an indicator of dependency so great that it has to be a relationship deal-breaker. It may be in this case. Or it may not be. We don't know all the details, so we can't really judge.

I'm just suggesting there may be other factors in the picture, and Prudie should not have been so strident.

This is the craziest thing I've heard in a while. When I officially moved away from home I also moved 6 hours away. For a while I was very homesick and would drive home when I could. I am remembering those drives. I am actually picturing this guy; does he leave right after work on Friday (in rush hour traffic)? If so, he's not getting there until 11 or 12 depending on pit stops. Then sleeping in till noon on Saturday cause he's tired. If he waits until Saturday morning and leaves around 6 he still won't get there till noon. If he wants to get home in time for work on Monday morning he's got to leave by no later than 2 maybe 3 on Sunday afternoon to get home by about 9 on Sunday. This means he's actually spending about 24 hours with his family. Not to mention the fact that he's had no time to do his laundry or anything else but I guess that's what girlfriend back home is for? Unless he's bringing it home to mom. How much is this costing in gas? I figured a minimum of 360 miles one way makes 720 each weekend, that's like 36,000 miles a year! There is something incredibly compelling at his parents' house for him to be making this arduous journey regularly. Mom must make one hell of a mean pot roast!

Sorry, Part 2 on this.

Consider also how the loss of his weekend affects the rest of his life (and probably his girlfriend's). I can't tell if they live together. I remember having to do all of the things I'd normally do on the weekends after work every night just to clear the way for my weekend trips. Laundry, food shopping, bill paying, housekeeping; everything had to be crammed in before or after work or during my lunch hour Monday through Thursday. I was already exhausted doing double duty by the time I hit the road. After a while, it just wasn't worth it. I'm surprised he has any time for a girlfriend whatsoever and apparently she's feeling it, too.

Prudie never said the guy was "dangerously unbalanced." Just that he was rather odd. I'd also differ with the statement that "only Americans enjoy living totally alone." Even in cultures who take care of their elderly at home it is typical for the grandparents to live on their own until they simply can't any more. Visiting home often is an admirable trait, but when the guy refuses to see that doing it every single weekend compromises the other relationships in his life there is something strange going on.

You got that right. People who don't think his excessive visits home are strange should just do the math. During the week it is hard to spend time with your loved one, even if you do live together. If either of them does any sort of O.T. the evening's shot. In my experience, weekends were the only way my relationship with a boyfriend could develop (or not get stale). What is this poor girl supposed to do all weekend while he's at mammas? (I know, she's supposed to be going with him). I'll bet she's feeling very much like a single girl right now.

I am asian as well, and when I was growing up- we saw our grandparents every saturday. Of course that was only a 3 minute walk for most of that time!

I think the LW should suggest moving to the parents' city. Also she'll have to completely change her mindset as to what a family consist of. The husband clearly sees his family as the extended family, and not just the nuclear family. If the LW wants to stay with this man she needs to adopt that mindset as well.

True, Elle. They can't really do anything outside of work or homelife during the week without the other, and still ahve any time together.

It's just a wonder it took her 6 years to realize this might be a problem. Regardless of culture, most people leave their father and mother, and cleave (at least for awhile) to someone of their own. It's even Biblical, something Bibo failed to mention this week.

If he values the time with his family so much, why is he still living 6 hours away from them? The LW stated that he's not attending college nor has been for a long while, so that's not what's keeping him. It just seems a little weird to me.