Regarding the LW who got berated for bottle-feeding her baby- I certainly agree that the lactation consultant is way over the line (these people are private contractors who make money by teaching women how to breastfeed); however I really don't see the need for a hostile response to the general passer-bys who make comments.

My response (if I was the woman) would just be "If I could I would." That opens up the conversation. The BF nazi would be disarmed and would probably start asking about your medical condition and sympathizing with you. Instead of shutting down the conversation and possibly making an enemy- now you open up the conversation and make a friend.

The way I see it, somebody who criticizes you is somebody who at least cares about you (or cares period). The person who walks by without saying anything is just a stranger. I don't know about you, but I like it when people care about me. I'm not too fond of strangers. (obviously- the person with something to sell- ie. the lactation expert- would be an exception) I just don't see the need to shut down well-intentioned people, even if they are intrusive.

icemilkcoffee:

(obviously- the person with something to sell- ie. the lactation expert- would be an exception)

I disagree. I think most breastfeeding advocates are out to "sell" their cause, and they're not interested in hearing excuses. Little old ladies aren't always, either; whatever they did worked for them, so of course it must be universally applicable. I'd like to believe that you're right and most people wouldn't further cross the line by dismissing whatever she says in her defense, but I can't. Besides, the letter writer shouldn't be put in the position of having to spill her medical history to strangers, period, no matter how good their intentions.

I understand that the criticism exists but to the degree that the LW is describing? Even still, she should give the strangers a raised eyebrow with a surprised "Realy?!?" and walk away. Or if you can't walk away just ignore them.

Witty comments to make the other look stupid might make you feel superior for a moment but it's fleeting. What you have to do is be confident in your choices and realize that strangers that will butt in to your personal decisions are idiots and not worth your time.

Well, if you explain the situation to them, they learn about one medical problem and stop asking intrusive questions in one situation. If you point out that they are being unbelievable rude and beyond the pale of any definition of civilized interaction, they might learn to mind their own damn business generally. The second course would actual be the most helpful.

And why on earth would she WANT friends who are such horrible people?

but why should you expect the LW to feel the same way you do? evidently your life and personality make the idea of having a random conversation with an intrusive nosy person seem not only ok, but possibly enjoyable. i'm sure there are plenty of others who feel differently. i am one of them, so let me address a couple things you say:

your response doesn't cover the fact that it is possible for a woman to not WANT to breastfeed and there's nothing wrong with that.

many of us actually have things to do and lives to lead. i do not have time to have unsolicited, unwarranted, and unwanted conversations with rude strangers. if i care to discuss these kinds of issues and "open up the conversation", well, that's why i come to the fray.

trust me, icemilk. there are plenty of people out there who are judgmental for judgment's sake. not because they have such a good caring christian heart. and that goes for if you're down south or in middle america, too....

icemilkcoffee:

I just don't see the need to shut down well-intentioned people, even if they are intrusive.

First of all having a personal preference or agenda doesn't mean it is well intentioned.

If you were talking about someone berating someone else for parking in a handicap zone without a placard I might be able to get on your team.

You are talking about VERY PERSONAL choices in child rearing here. Hillary isn't in office yet and people STILL HAVE SOME SAY in how they raise their children. People are invading this lady's personal space when they look into her car and make a judgement about her. I don't make it a point to "Open up a conversation" with imposing, nosy strangers. Friends, family, MAYBE co-workers- fine. Some stranger who starts berating me in public over a situation about which they are clueless doesn't deserve to have anything opened up but a gash above one of their eyes.

it bothered me that the LW actually cared what the weirdo said in the first place. Granted, her hormones are still screwy and maybe she's more emotional, but i really would have advised her to thicken her skin.... A LOT. unfortunately, we live in a society where people feel justified not only in judging others, but also in telling them so. whether it's right or proper for people to say mean or upsetting things, it will happen at some point. and we as people need to learn how to stop being offended and start ignoring.

Yes, there are a speculative threads implying that the girl might be being a bit of a drama queen and/or embellishing the facts. I, too, wondered why it would bother her, but I am an asshole that would have embarrassed any of the interlopers to the point that they would have thought seriously about ever apporaching a stranger with their personal thoughts again.

Sometimes I wish these letters had a bit moer detail, but then where would you stop the madness. That's the tough part about these letters-they're too vague- and the reason why I think people get way too involved in the analysis of them.

I simply enjoy a weekly chance to rant.

i rant here so i don't get in fights on my way home in rush hour!

Speaking as a very old mommy, I think new mommies being drama queens is about as perennial and universal as everybody and his dog thinking they ought to give new mommies advice. I distinctly remember sending off flaming letters to the editors of parents magazines about such subjects as letting your babies sleep with you, unmedicated childbirth and the "right" way to praise your 2 year old. I confess I even once wrote a letter to an advice columnist in which I excoriated my mother in law because my first baby screamed inconsolably in my arms, but shushed immediately when she held him. How dare she! Now, I just laugh at all the militant new mommies out there, each of whom is so convinced her way is the right way and everybody who thinks otherwise is out to get her. Calm down ladies! Do your own thing and ignore the buttinskys out there.

Great post, greensleeves. My child is still young and I am still learning, but it was like a revelation the day I realized that other people were going to criticize the way I did things no matter what I did, so there's no point in worrying about them.

Still, I have great sympathy for the LW - feeling like a bad mother is awful. I remember those first few months when the responsibility of caring for this little defenseless child felt so great and every tiny misstep felt so awful.

Just remember to keep your child in mind when you make decisions and you will do just fine no matter what those decisions are. And when you have a couple of years under your belt you'll have to bite your tounge with new moms when you want to say "Well, this worked for me!"

Really those comments from friends and family may seem like criticism (and some might really mean it as criticism) but most of them just want to help you get through this because they know how hard it is. They want to give you the answers so you won't have to use trial and error. Unfortunately, trial and error is the only way to figure out what YOUR child needs but one of their suggestions might speed up the process.

Strangers though have no business to try and give you advice no matter how well intentioned it may be. Those responses may vary from a simple "Thank you" and cut the conversation to "It's none of your business". Just be confident in your decisions and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong.

My dad tried telling me that I had to handle a situation with my son a certain way because "that's what worked for you". I told him that I had issues and he had to give me space so I can give my son his own issues! It was a joke and thankfully he got it!

For anyone who seems well intentioned I like the "If I could I would" response. For the rest, just ignore them or come up with something witty for the moments you can't resist.

But it does seem strange she could run into this many problems in such a short amount of time. Maybe she keeps wearing a shirt that says "Breast feeding sucks." ;-)

Why should someone say "If I could, I would"? Inherent in this response is that there is something wrong with not breast feeding. What if you just don't want to breast feed? You may feel that after nine months of pregnancy and a delivery, you just want your body back to yourself. You may have a visceral reaction to the whole idea which makes you uncomfortable. You may not like the sensation or the soreness. You may have to go back to work a few months in and not have the time or the ability to nurse. These are all legitimate reasons. There is nothing wrong with not nursing and the LW shouldn't feel bad. She should have told the "lactation specialist" to get the hell out of her room and anyone else who approaches her should either be ignored or greeted with "Are you always so rude?" or "You are completely inappropriate and out of line." I don't think most people who comment on child-rearing are well-intentioned (perhaps excluding those closest to you); nosy and self-righteous is more like it.

I am with out a doubt one of the most thick skinned ladies around. I really truely dont give a hot damn about what other people think about anything I do. What you see is what you get, and if you don't like it go somewhere else. I have been this way my whole life and my parents still laugh at what a not giving a crap kind of kid I was. Then I met and married the same kind of guy, so our house is a safe haven of "if you don't like us then leave."

BUT after i had my kido I was a freekin mess!!!

EVERYTHING was cause for self doubt, crying jaggs, and the certain knowledge that I was destroying my babys life. When I had a hard time breast feeding it was like the END OF THE WORLD. Just a "hey the kids looking nice a fat" from a stranger could send me over the edge. It took a long time for me to get better over that whole issue, and I still am sad I couldnt do better by my kid.

I don't know why the whole breast vs. bottle thing is so loaded, but it is a big deal no matter what side your on. Saying she needs to toughen up is okay, but damn its a hard thing to do, and comming from me thats saying something!