Dear Prudence,

I really think you missed the mark on your advice to the bride with Jewish guests requesting a Kosher meal. Kosher dietary laws are not just about not eating pork and shellfish. There are also very specific rules regarding how the meal is to be prepared and the kitchen itslef must be inspected and blessed by a Rabbi (this is why it has to be outsourced and the bride was being charged the additional $120).

If the guests in question are Orthodox they would be required by their religious beliefs to eat only food prepared in keeping with Kosher dietary laws. I think rather than call the guests demanding I would have advised the Bride to discuss her additional costs with the guests. They might be willing to contribute to the cost of their special needs, if they live in another city or state they may not be aware of just how expensive it is in Kansas for example, to get Kosher because in New York it's much more common.

But I'm not an advice guru- just a Meeting & Event Planner.

Maggie

The whole point of keeping kosher is to set yourself (all of your people, really) apart from the rest of the world.

So it's really not compatible with going to a party thrown by someone of another religion, celebrating what is presumably a religious rite.

How about some real world advice:

Explain to the couple the expense that you would incur to have thier meals prepared. Would they still like to proceed? Or would they like to contribute to the cost or simply bring their own meal?

Hopefully, they do the do the right thing and offer to pay some or all of the cost or take care of themselves. If they still demand you cover this $200+ expense, wait and see how much they spent on your gift. If you dont come out over $50 on top of that expense, bad mouth the hell out of them to everyone at the wedding.

Yikes, I disagree with that, Ruggergirl. This sort of request is extraordinarily rude. Had this been handled politely, the guests would have alerted the bride to the fact that they keep kosher, and would it be at all difficult for them to provide their own food for the reception--either by bringing it, or contacting the caterer themselves to make arrangements. I think that the bride should provide them with the caterer's phone number, with a very sweet note saying that she has absolutely no problem with them making arrangements with the caterer to be served something different, and then let the caterer explain the difference in price. If they come back to her demanding money for this, the foot goes down in a very nice, "I'm sorry, but I'm not making an exception for Aunt Susie's veganism, or Uncle George's raw foodism, and it isn't fair for me to make one exception when I can't make them all. I'm sure you understand."

Look, if you invite someone to your event knowing their food limitations, as a host you are obligated to spend what it takes to accommodate them.

I have to agree with other posters that Prudence is way off on this one. I grew up orthodox (I'm now an atheist but that is another story).

All of this bulls--t about rabbis "blessing" food is misinformation. There is no such thing as rabbis blessing food. Put simply, kosher food means that each part of the food needs to be prepared according to the letter of the old testament.

Having a lot of experience in this area, I would tell you that $120 sounds about right for kosher food for two. It probably costs the caterer $40 a plate, and they are marking up the other $20 a plate for their inconvenience (and they are caterers - they love markups).

What Prudence should have said was: Spend the $120. Hopefully this couple will buy you a nice gift, and you'll break even on the deal. I understand that you didn't know that the cost would be that great, but I assure you that you're not being ripped off -- that is just the cost of kosher food.

Seriously, putting your guests in direct contact with the caterer sounds like a very bad idea.

I'm in the camp that think hosts should accomodate their guests, and $120 isn't unreasonable compared to the cost of wedding travel and gifts.

But if it is a problematic expense, putting the guest and the caterer in touch with one another creates a lot of room for confusion. If there's any misunderstanding, you might find yourself facing a happy team who think they've reached an accomodation ("We can do it, after all! It'll only cost $110!") - at which point you'd have to play twice the dick defeating the fait accompli.

Are you people crazy?? Do you really think that a guest who's that obnoxious would come to an event bearing a nice gift? I think not. The bride's correct response should have been "We're so sorry you won't be able to attend. Please think of us on our special day."

I believe you are right as she could've asked them if they are willing to pitch in on the cost. If they are going to show up, and they are not willing to pitch in, then they get what they get. I recently had a wedding, and my aunt is diabetic, and my dad didn't like bread. The generic sub sandwich I served was dissected by my father, and diabetics can eat just about the same things every body else does. They just have to watch their sugar intake alot closer.

In all aspects they have choices, to go or not to go. To eat before they go, and to pitch in.

Quote: "are you people crazy?? Do you really think that a guest that obnoxious...would bear a nice gift" I hate to say it, but that post really smacks of anti-semitism. Following one's religion is hardly "obnoxious". Claiming that a person won't give an appropriate gift because of their religous affiliation is at best xenophobic, at worst blatently racist.

It's always something isn't it? Racist, anti-semitic, whatever. Can you not see that they are referring simply to the behaviour of pointing out their own needs above the fact that it's HER wedding day. They should be making their own arrangements for their own special dietary needs. The fact that they're putting the extra stress of it on the bride is what the obnoxiousness is referring to. At least that's my take. I don't always jump to the conclusion that someone is saying something negative due to some physical or other inherent factor, but to a specific action or cause.

A wedding is a really important event for anyone - which is why I assume that the bride has invited only the most crucial and important people to this event. If the difficult persons - dietary conditions and restrictions in tow - are one of those important people then to pay for that extra cost for kosher meals or any other kind of extra stuff is worth the money.

However if you were forced to invite your siblings in-laws and plenty of other acquaintances you just had to invite out of politeness - then just keep it in mind that you invited them for them to be included in the event. That was your responsibility and your gesture of goodwill by inviting them to your wedding. They don't necessarily have to come if they are old, or if it is very inconvenient for them. Politely tell them that they are other side dishes and maybe they can eat neutral things. Do not mention the cost is so much, or suggest them to pay themselves because that is just bad taste. It would be much better to serve them home made kosher later at your home or arrange the courses such that they can have other neutral dishes to choose from or simply say that your caterers do not offer this option and that you are sorry but you still hope they can come.

If these guests are still coming or they are people who still have to attend the wedding - whether you or they like it or not - then again do not mention cost issues etc - work out some kind of food item they can eat after the reception back at your house. Weddings are expensive but trust me, if these people were on your invitation list, there must be a good reason for that. You can do the extra effort to make them comfortable.