Dear Crabby,
I’m committing the sin of carnal knowledge with a divorcee I met at church. Although we do the wild thing 7 days a week, including the Sabbath, she won’t let us sleep nekkid together while my precocious teenage kids are in the next room. Is this something she has to give in on, or should I dump her?
— I want to “Free Willy
” Dear “Midnight Plowboy”,
Tell her she has to do it, because Crabby sez so. What? You say that isn’t actually going to work? You wanted some sort of tricky way to win this battle of wills? Crabby is all about tricks. Why not use last week’s idea, and promise her that you’ll never demand that “she lose 20 pounds before you propose”, if she gives in on the nude sleeping thing? Geez, you don’t like that either? Then I feel like I’m out of my element here, especially since you appear oblivious to what a trivial thing this is, in the big scheme of things.. What happens when a real crisis occurs, like you can’t agree on arugula vs. romaine for the salad course? I think the issue here is more likely to be that she doesn’t want to be around your teenaged kids at all, but no matter what, you two need waaaaay more work on your communication skills - and values - before you get any more serious.
—Prudie, who reminds her loyal readers that church isn’t usually pegged as a meeting place for the sexually uninhibited. Or am I behind the times, and pastors are holding prayer groups on topics like “beyond the missionary position” these days?
Dear Crabby, I recently worked for Obama's campaign. Now gramps is sending me anti-Obama e-mails, including several claiming Obam is a Muslim. The latest ones are not only anti Obama, but virulently anti-Muslim. He’s also sending these emails to hundreds of my closest friends and family members. What can I do?
— “Summer of Spam”
Dear “Minority Retort”,
Your grandfather is crazy. The hundreds of friends and family on his mailing list have already figured this out. He’s old and senile. Just let it go. This isn’t about you.
— Crabby, who found emails claiming “Obama is black” to be even more offensive. And don’t get me started on those emails claiming Hillary is a woman. No woman could be that cold and calculating, could she? Present company excluded, of course . . .
Dear Crabby,
My husband and I have been married 2 years, and we get along great, except that his best friend mocks me about a childhood illness I had, and is rude in general. I have brought up the issue with my husband, but he tells me "It isn't a big deal". If I get mad and chastise his friend, I get a lecture from my husband on it.
- “A history of ambivalence”
Dear “Spitfire Girl”,
This is why long engagements are usually better than short ones. You would have discovered early on that your husband is a spineless wimp with such low self esteem that he won’t stand up for you because he’s afraid of losing the alleged friendship of a moron. Unfortunately, this is one of those things where you can’t compromise by offering to lose 20 pounds if he ends his friendship with the moron. As with most domestic discord, I don’t think simply telling him “Crabby sez you have to stop this” is going to make a difference. I’d pursue a 2 track approach here – first of all tell your husband you insist on joint marriage counseling (“Yes, it’s that serious, honey – we have to go”). Second, take the moronic buddy aside, and tell him privately that if he ever insults you again, in any way, you’ll tell your husband how he’s been ogling and making passes at you. One of those will work, even if the other doesn’t.
— Crabby, who has been insulted over many things, but never a childhood disease. As that guy told Borat: “In america we make jokes over the choices people make for themselves, not things they can’t do anything about” . . .
Dear Crabby,
I'm a 30-year-old male who suffered from bad acne in my youth. Even though the acne cleared up years ago, I’ve never had a girlfriend or even a kiss. My current excuse for not dating is that I lack experience in relationships. How do I get over this?
— “The Son of All Fears”
Dear “Malibu’s Least Wanted”,
To be honest, almost everyone is shy, and lacks experience in relationships – especially those who’ve had a lot of relationships; sometimes they do the craziest things. But the good news is that people with a pure heart and lack of venereal disease through avoiding risky sex . . . people like you are in high demand in these modern times. A good opening line might be “Hi, I’m Tim. I couldn’t help noticing that book you’re reading”. (Hitting on a girl with a book is a great idea, because you usually can assume that she knows how to read, and avoid illiterates). By the time you dump her 4 months later you’ll feel plenty experienced, and wonder what all the worry was about.
— Crabby, who reminds you that if you DO decide to marry the first girl you sleep with, long engagements are better than short ones. And no bringing up her greater sexual experience during arguments – that’s not fair fighting. You wouldn't want her bringing up any childhood diseases of yours either, I assume?
