Dear Crabby,

My rich dad divorced my mom to marry a gold digger. I’ve never met his gold digger, nor made any attempt to. I don’t send the gold digger birthday or holiday greetings, and have gone to great lengths to make my dad understand that I disapprove of his gold digger. Now I’m worried that he’s going to cut me out of his will, and I won’t get a dime. I’m thinking of inviting him to leave the gold digger and her kids behind for a few weeks (or months) and visit me to renew our financial – I mean familial - bonds. Think this will help?

— “Dad, where’s my car?”

Dear “Greedy’s Family Reunion”,

For a sound financial future, I recommend automatic payroll deductions into your 401K, and allocating them between a half dozen mutual funds. And in the unlikely event that dad would abandon his family to visit you for a few weeks, I seriously doubt you could maintain the fiction that you actually care for him, for more than an hour or so. And not to add insult to injury, your biological mom and the taxman are in line ahead of you for large shares the estate, irrespective of what his new wife receives. Stop waiting (or praying) for your dad to die, and channel your free time into developing a moral compass.

- Crabby, who hopes someday to be unexpectedly remembered in some kind old gentleman’s will, like Lily Prescott (Donna Reed) was in “How the West was Won”

Dear Crabby,

I caught my husband of 5 years stroking off to a porn video, but he doesn’t know. Now I worry that when we make love he’s secretly imagining some bimbo from “Busty Asian Cheerleaders #29”. When he asks what's wrong, I don't know what to tell him. Is this something that I just have to learn to live with?

— “The Porn Ultimatum”

Dear “Hairy Potter and the odor of the Kleenex”,

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to be busty enough, Asian enough, or cheerleader-ly enough to fulfill every man’s fantasy. And if you ever could, then next week you’d find he rented “Latin Student Nurses #16”. Before you judge him too harshly, remember all those bodice ripping novels with a Fabio look-alike on the cover. He’s costumed like a pirate, an Arab prince, or a native american with long flowing hair, his shirt unbuttoned, his bulging muscular chest rippling invitingly, his lips parted, a glint of naughtiness in his eyes to confirm you can have – but never tame – him . .. . oh, oh, oh . . . Ahem, where was I? Yes, you have every right to be surprised and a little bit hurt that your husband would fantasize about another woman. But I guarantee he’s not thinking of her all the time, or even most of the time, when you make love. When I start to hear about men leaving their wives and running off with a porn DVD, I’ll take this sort of thing more seriously. In the meantime, get a grip.

— Crabby, who believes the beginning of “A History of Violence” where Viggo Mortensen is seduced by his cheerleader costumed wife, happens far more than people are willing to admit.

Dear Crabby,

I’m from Africa, and people ask me things like “Do you live in trees?” and “Do you have houses?” What is the proper way of dealing with ignorance?

— “Dumb and Dumber – when Harry met Kofi Annan”

Dear “Along came folly”,

Fight fire with fire, I always say. (But why not with water? I’ve never figured that out, actually). My suggestion is to laugh cheerfully upon encountering such questions, and reply: “Oh I get that all the time. And before I came to America, I thought everybody here either lived like the Beverly Hillbillies, or killed 20 people a day like in “NYPD Blue” . . . Hollywood sure does get it wrong, doesn’t it?”

— Crabby, who hopes to visit Egypt some day and be abducted into a royal harem where a handsome, Fabio-like sheikh can’t get enough of me. Oh, wait, that stereotype is a leftover from the sex fantasy letter just above. Sorry – my bad.

Dear Crabby,

I met a great guy at a party, and we really hit it off. There was a lot of one-on-one interaction, joking, and flirtation between us. My friends felt the attraction was mutual, too. But he never asked for my number or called me. Is it okay to call him first?

— “30 going on 13”

Dear “Legally Bland”,

What planet are you from again? The one where women still wear hoop skirts and drop a handkerchief to break the ice? Seriously, although the shyness gene is recessive, about half the guys have it. If you don’t call him, nothing will happen. This was covered in “7th grade girls sleepover”, but you apparently have slept through it. When you finally connect with him, don’t forget your cheerleader outfit, but make sure you don’t come across as a gold digger.

— Crabby, who suggests the safest approach is a text message, along the lines of “Cant blev U nvr clld. Wats up w tht?”, in case you have the shyness gene, too.

oh, you're just working overtime, i get it.

speaking of which, its 8pm I must retire to bed. But first, my drink of the day, Mylanta. Sweet dreams Missy.

Oh, funny stuff about Hairy Potter, LOL, and Cleenex. Would I sound pedantic if I said that cleenex weren't necessary if hunny had 100% of his shlang? I was wondering what your take on the LW would be. I wasn't disappointed. Great stuff as always.

i think to myself "it should be in me, instead of a tissue"

yes i am working late tonite. my mom has dani. i have a new boss, but i'm working overtime to bail out my old one.

that doesn't make any sense, does it?

...not good advice, this week. i parked mah pennies in treasury notes four weeks ago. made 4% in three weeks. LOL

...you should be the new boss. that would make sense. work for an insurance company, they promote their women.

I have to print your post, this has to be the best ever. If I could, I'd give ya' thumbs up.

Good comebacks for the African dude! Americans living like the Beverly Hillbillies and killing 20 folks a day? Priceless!

I caught my husband doing internet porn and after two weeks of talking and confessing our 18 year marriage nearly ended. He was addicted to porn. He could not quit using porn. It had escalted from soft porn to things I didn't know anyone could think of to do to or with anybody. It got more gross and more violent as the years went by. It's like rides at the fair; you get bored with spinning in the teacups after a while and want to ride the runaway train. When the train doesn't scare you , you go up to the big loop de loop roller coaster where everyone vomits, you look for faster and scarier rides at the fair. At the porn site, he started off looking at pretty sweet girls. Then dirtier giirls. then really nasty girls and their nasty friends doing nasty things to each other. then some people started getting hurt on accident. then people were getting hurt on purpose. It became bloody and wild and maybe somebody could haave died but they wanted to or they knew they would, Is a girl's death worth it if a whole lot of guys sighed on to the site get a good jerk off? ?? The problem with porn addicts is that the addiction is dynamic.: it's always changing.Unless you end it. And never see it one more time in your like. Otherwise the addiction is growing from it's age of innocence to it's age of indulgence without regard for the dammage the addiction will do to every other aspect of the addicts life. He will be totally destroyed all the while thinking he was keeping it his own dirty little secret. Now we've been married 24 years. He no longer does porn. He spent 3 years in counceling for porn addiction in a determination to save his marriage and family at all costs. Apologized for how much he hurt his wife. He finally understood how much pain he caused her. He had to behave so she could trust him again. He had to behave his way to success. An old adage is that there is no wealthy addict and it's true because #1 Addicts are selfish people. To make money you have to work for other people and not be selfish. #2 Addicts give all their attention to their addiction. To get wealthy you much spend time working hard, studying markets, figuring how to get ahead, being ready when it's time to change. Addicts are stuck being addicts. Porn addicts will never be wealthy. They will throw their money away on anything promising sex and more sex. They will risk their good lives, marriages, good jobs, respect, health, everything to their last dime for what they think will be great sex and no one will know. They get so caught up in the moment they don't even hear their wife and kids are home from the game. They sitting at the computer stroking themselves while the wife been shelpping children from school to practice to ballet then run by the bank and into the store pick up the dry cleaning on the way out to the ball park to pick up the big one and back over to get the ballerina and head home to make dinner for my king. Wonder what the king is doing a home alone? I hope he noticed the boxes UPS delivered for the componets to his computer he ordered. Now he will have a camara and a microphone to talk to people....I don't understand why he wanted that but he really had a fit about it. How has porn affected my marriage? It took a marriage that was strong and fun and full of laughter and turned the husband into a burned out passive zombie who is disconnected from real people and make a happy healthy confidnt wife feed inadequate,depressed, overwhelmed by the scope of the addiction and how little information is available about it, how people don't realize how dangerous pornography is in our society at any level, and how long it will take to get your life back...and not necessarily back together even though you have loved each other. The pain of leaving can be less than the pain of staying.

Treefarm:

That's very sad. Addictions are tough.

Now back to LW's husband enjoying a bit of fun...

They haven't even made "Busty Asian Cheerleaders 17" yet !

Please do your research.

treefarm: I'd have read your post, but without paragraphs it looked like a book. Addiction is one thing. An occasional video is another. At least you talked about it, and if someone finds it's a point that neither can yield on, it's better than living a lie for 30 years, isn't it?

Let's see, #16 came out last week, so #17 should be in the can by now.

for significant addiction (of any kind, not just porn) professional intervention may be the most appropriate route to breaking the cycle.

excessive reliance on porn is extremely insulting to a wife's (or girlfriends) self esteem, because there's no way we can rise to fantasy standard conveyed by the most extreme "actresses" and stars. even if we do get enough "work done", we're not going to look 18 and pneumatic for the long haul - and that's what relationships are - a committment for the long haul.

of course, that's not to say everyone whose BF rents a porn DVD is a future addict, just as the guy who goes out for a beer (or 3) with his buddies one or 2 nights a week isn't on the slippery slope to alcoholism

one of the scarier things (according to what i've read, not from actual experience) is that people who are ensnared by one addiction might have an "addictive" personality, and replace one type with another - the gambling addict takes up drinking, or something like that. at least it appears that alcohol and drug addiction are strongly correlated in my own limited experience.

but back to the long haul - the reason for marriage is that love brings a deep sense of fulfillment, comfort, and commitment to one's relationship, and this should be more important than the "sex as adventure" motif which many adopt before marriage. its a maturation thing - if you constantly need new partners and every more extreme acts, you're simply never going to be satisfied.

i'm glad things appear to be working out for you. and apparently you understand that porn is about our own shortcomings, but rather a guy visiting a different place.

you'd no more want to be addicted to porn, than you'd want to quit your job to ride ever scarier roller coasters 24/7. its a sign of trouble.

i wasn't aware there was such a title (or is it a series?)

i was simply lumping together all the cliche's we fear most - we honstly can't be busty, asian, or chearleaderly enough to compete with a surgically enhanced porn starlet.

i used to have a "hula" costume in my repetoire, and it worked for me because I have dark hair and dark eyes, but I can't really pass for asian or hawaiian. and i haven't had a request to wear it from at least 3 or 4 boyfriends ago.

the current BF hasn't asked about it. his fantasy (fetish?) is spanking (playful) as foreplay, but i've made it clear i don't do the schoolgirl dress up thing. that's too close to pedophilia.

Great take on the letters (as always). One minor correction -- in your response to LW #1, you said "your biological mom and the taxman are in line ahead of you for large shares the estate, irrespective of what his new wife receives." Not true regarding the biological mom. If daddy and mommy are divorced, daddy can cut mommy out of the will (and bratty children from the first marriage as well). It's mommy #2 (i.e., the trophy wife/golddigger) who gets her pound of flesh -- by law -- after daddy kicks the bucket (provided that daddy hasn't moved onto mommy #3, or isn't now single and hitting on all the babes at the nursing home).

On another subject, I think you need to start a top ten list of porn titles. I'll start: "Big Boob Soccer Mom Republicans In Heat"