Dear Forgotten Daughter,
I was once in exactly your situation and my family regrets how we handled it at the time. I can only hope you can handle it differently. To a point, I agree with Prudie, however, the most important thing you cannot do is give up and wait for your father to come to you.

When my grandmother passed away over 15 years ago, my grandfather married a gold digger within the year. Soon after it became clear that she had no interest in his family and encouraged him to feel the same way. Although they only lived 10 miles away it might as well of been 10,000.
For the next 8 years our family struggled to maintain a relationship with my grandfather. The letter you wrote could of been written by my father 10 years ago. We tried every method we could to reconnect with my grandfather for the first several years of their marriage but it soon became clear that we were not welcome. We stopped trying and regret it to this day.
Even though his life and personality had changed at the whim of his new wife, he was still my father's father. He did still care even though he could not show it. Unfortunately, we did not learn this until he left his wife after 8 years of marriage, manipulation and abuse. All of the sudden we where able to communicate with him and we all tried to make up the years lost, however fate had other intentions and he died 6 months after moving out on his own.

What we regret is giving up and losing those 8 years. Your father is still your father, although he is an adult and can make his own decisions, he may not realize that those decisions are hurting you and your family. If he was able to have a pleasant conversation with you on New Years, then he may not see what you are going through. I agree with Prudie that you should write him and explain your feelings but don't do it in an accusatory way. And definitely send the letter to his office or better yet, an email you know is just his. Have your children send him emails and pictures to keep him abreast of what they are doing and what they are interested in. Always remind him that you are still his family and you still love him, are there for him.
Don't do as my family did and give up or wait for him to realize his mistakes. By then it may be too late.

Dear Ellenor,

I'm sad to see that someone else was in the same situation as we are now. Same thing - abuse, manipulation, separation. I'm convinced that my step mother is either mentally ill or is abusing drugs (like prescription ones) because of the erratic behavior that I have witnessed. Really erratic.

He got away too....but now he has gone back to her and is lying to us about it. And I'm sick over it. Unfortunately, my dad is elderly and she screens all of his communication, email and otherwise. You can tell when she's there if we're talking on the phone.

During the separation, the dialog would be that we want him to be safe and that there was a lot of his life left to find happiness and love. He has many many friends and hobbies and activities so it's difficult to accept his decision. I'm hurt and angry but I have to be here the next time she flips out.

I think Prudie's decision is right - the LW's dad is younger than mine and she can reach him privately. Accusation won't help - tell him that it's important to her to have a relationship and aren't happy that it's strained now.... how does HE think they can mend it..and if it is important to her, she may have to realize that he never was there, he's not now and if she wants a relationship it's going to be hers to maintain.

good luck to all of us....