I must respectfully disagree with Prudie's following response:

"Among the wonderful things about the personal sexual videos that unspool in our heads is that they're free, legal, and enclosed in a sealed container. You get to retain these deeply private thoughts even as you two share the greatest intimacy."

I've seen pornography destroy many relationships. I have met 3 friends over the last 10 years that were molested by their fathers,...friends and family that have lost their husbands to affairs...pedophiles in a Mental Health Hospital when I was doing Student Nursing Clinicals... They all started with pornography in their teenage years. Some members of my own family have struggled really hard to stay away from it.

Look at crime statistics and you'll see that a strong link is drawn between pornography and criminal behavior. I'm not saying that pornography will always lead to criminal behavior but it will alter every relationship in some way. It is very addictive and very damaging. The images never leave and the addiction is always progressive over time starting first with looking at images then experimentation, then onto physiscal participation.

I have found that the best approach is telling the person how hurtful it is. I think it's easier for them to stay away from pornography if they know they're being watched. If they struggle to stay away from it, they should seek counseling. Good ways to monitor them are sharing the handling of the finances, installing internet filters, checking internet histories, (a deleted history is suspect also), and keeping loving/honoring communication open.

All of the situations that I'm personally acquainted with involve normal, average, educated people. So, Beware! It's a real widespread problem. Handle it tactfully. It's just as addicting as anything else.

personal sexual videos that unspool in our heads

Didn't you read the part about 'in our heads'?????

You make some valid points about porn but it is clear to me that P was talking about ideas in our heads. You know like the type of 'porn' that Jimmy Carter mentioned in that playboy interview.

Man, you are so wrong on so many levels here I hardly know where to start. I guess we should focus on your insistance that correlation is causality....it is NOT. The fact that some criminals view porn does NOT mean the porn CAUSED the crime. Given the fact that 90%+ of American men view porn we would see an overwhelming number of crimes if that were true when in fact we have seen sex crimes drop over the past 20 years. Get this through your head, there is no evidence that viewing porn causes any crimes. Watching the Sopranos did not make me into a mafioso either by the way.

jonnychristi:

I've seen pornography destroy many relationships. I have met 3 friends over the last 10 years that were molested by their fathers,...friends and family that have lost their husbands to affairs...pedophiles in a Mental Health Hospital when I was doing Student Nursing Clinicals... They all started with pornography in their teenage years.

I bet they all ate chocolate in their teenage years too. They might have even had beef, too. I wouldn't be surprised if they went to the movies. Maybe these things led to the problems.

There has been no correlation found between people who watch porn and other activities. So it is just as absurd to say that porn caused a man to molest his daughter as it is to say that eating chocolate caused him to molest his daughter.

jonnychristi:

Look at crime statistics and you'll see that a strong link is drawn between pornography and criminal behavior.

Prove it.

jonnychristi:

Good ways to monitor them are sharing the handling of the finances, installing internet filters, checking internet histories, (a deleted history is suspect also), and keeping loving/honoring communication open.

Are you talking about monitoring a child or a spouse? Seriously if you feel the need to install filters on your spouse's computer, you have serious distrust issues.

PI, detective, bondsman, etc. will tell you the same thing off the record. abuse, and any substance abuse, runs like the yellow river through the world of crime, psychological deviance, etc.

i know you're educated and a liberated girl and today that means being open minded about sex. in 1968 it was being open minded to weed and acid and ..... it's not ok, because johnny thinks its ok. and this porn shit isn't just a male addiction. it becomes a real psychological trauma to women raised in the notion that being a good wife means being a good sexual performer. these womens world falls apart when their tits suffer the gravity of age, etc. they literally go through nervous breakdowns and are almost guaranteed to turn to drugs and or alcohol. the really whacked ones will turn to prescription drugs from their doctors.

addiction to porn is one of the first symptoms of mental illness.

playing word games to get your way, eh? 90% of american men having seen porn is not the same as a porn addiction. what is a porn addiction? good question. I dont know the exact answer. but i'd say if you've seen porn three times a year, then that's different then seeing a porn movie three times a day, or even three times a week. Is three times a month an addiction? I doubt it.

when people talk about pornhounds they are referring to men who watch, download, spent a considerable percentage of their income on porn regularly. i guess that word 'regular' is what separates the addict from the casual pedestrian.

I'm surprised you're saying that Intersurfer, because you, and a few other people here have been refering to people who watch porn 3 times a month, or even just once a year are already sinners, pornhounds, loosers, sex fiends, perverts, sick, and even EVIL!

It's a video. I think you people have no clue why people watch pornography. Stop watching them, why doesn't she join him. Maybe she will learn something and stop being so boring. She sounds very insecure about herself.

I'm not a con...I'm a 'old lady' of 59, married 35+ years to a great guy. I can't believe the advise you gave to this young woman. And, I can't believe the manipulative logic of "try it and maybe you will learn how not to be so boring.' Big phooey! Who needs research statistics to back up the fact that if your husband (or significant other) is in front of the television or computer with his drawers around his knees it is sick behavior? And, do you really wonder why you don't want to be intimate with this guy lately...come on! You are humiliated for him because he doesn't have the capacity to be for himself.

As far as research is concerned, we went through YEARS of this same ridiculousness with the effects of violence on television. Because we didn't have the 'research' to definitely confirm that there is a correlation between viewing and violence, we had to ignore our guts and bones. Those of us who had no brains, continued to let the violent viewing pour into our homes. (Of course, now that there is research that substantiates the impact of violent viewing on youngsters, we all have our screens tuned appropriately...right.) We don't have to wait for the research. Pornography is sick and it's an addiction.

People spend hundreds of dollars a month on pornography - they can't stay away from it. It becomes the reason that they exist. It causes economic hardships and erodes the human spirits of those who are addicted to it and the families that have to tolerate it. (Yeah, kids eventually know Daddy can't keep his hands out of his own pants...real nice family legacy!)

It's ridiculous to say that this young woman should be careful and tender. Bottomline, you want some juiced up Captain Underpants around your kids, your friends? You want this knucklehead around you in the work place? Want his kid (who has possibly/probably found his video stash) next to your kid on the school bus? Want your kid spending the night over at his kid's house? Big NO.

I don't know if a person would go to hell because of this behavior, but I think it's destroying our country and our family lives.

Dear young woman, confront him...give him the ultimatum. If he thinks you are boring, then so be it. Either he consents to therapy or let him take his television and move some place else. Get a husband who loves you just the way you are. Life is short and you are young...don't waste your time. If he's not willing to admit that this is an addiction and to work to get well, let him go his way. Wish him well and don't look over your shoulder...you will not regret your move.

esemez:

Who needs research statistics to back up the fact that if your husband (or significant other) is in front of the television or computer with his drawers around his knees it is sick behavior?

Sick is in the eye of the beholder. Often sick is defined as someone who is not part of the norm in some desire. A person who masturbates is normal. A man who watches porn is normal. So if you want to claim that most guys are sick, well I guess that's your opinion.

esemez:

As far as research is concerned, we went through YEARS of this same ridiculousness with the effects of violence on television. Because we didn't have the 'research' to definitely confirm that there is a correlation between viewing and violence, we had to ignore our guts and bones.

That's because emotion is often wrong. Intelligent people use facts in forming their decisions. Flying off the handle in an emotional way is not rational, adult behavior. In any case, I don't recall that anyone felt that showing young children violent TV shows was OK.

esemez:

We don't have to wait for the research. Pornography is sick and it's an addiction.

The research is out, and pornography doesn't cause problems. It is merely your opinion that it is sick, but you are free to not view any of it. While people can be addicted to porn, viewing it is not an addiction in and of itself, just as drinking a beer with dinner does not automatically make you an alcoholic.

esemez:

People spend hundreds of dollars a month on pornography - they can't stay away from it. It becomes the reason that they exist.

A person who has a problem might do this. However, most people who look at porn don't fall into this category. Much of the porn available online is free.....

esemez:

Bottomline, you want some juiced up Captain Underpants around your kids, your friends?

Considering they've been married for five years and this is the first time she's discovered him watching porn, he probably doesn't throw in a video when her friends are over or when there are kids around.

esemez:

You want this knucklehead around you in the work place?

Sex is an inappropriate conversation for work. So it wont' matter.

esemez:

I don't know if a person would go to hell because of this behavior, but I think it's destroying our country and our family lives.

The only thing that's destroying our country is the size of our government and its complete ineptitude. Socially things have only been improving ... though we all could stand to lose a little weight.

esemez:

Either he consents to therapy or let him take his television and move some place else.

Watching porn doesn't mean he needs therapy! In fact, in terms of all the economic woes you were moaning about in your post, therapy is far more expensive than porn. I'd have to say that porn is probably a little more effective at making someone feel better too.

I was married 15 years to a person who was addicted to porn. What does addicted mean? Anyone who can't keep themselves from looking is addicted. Obviously, some here on this site think porn is okay. I think it's not.

Everyone notices a good looking person. Nothing wrong with that, God created beauty. But the person with a problem lusts after that person. There's the problem. They cannot control this.

If your spouse isn't satisfying to you, find a new spouse rather that lusting after everyone. It's pretty sick and disgusting. We're not animals! Have some self-control and leave childish things behind in your teen years. We need to grow up.

As someone who was married to an addict, It is not fun wondering what you might find next (or what your kids might find).

Pornography is being unfaithful. They are having an affair in their mind and they will act it out. If they don't, it's because they're too disgusting to find someone.

These women that make excuses for their porn husbands are the ones that are insecure. They're too afraid to walk away and go it alone. It takes a strong person to love themselves and demand respect.

Don't join them!! Would you join a meth addict??? Bottom line: Respect yourself and make them get help.

Great OP. I agree with you, and I applaud you for taking a stance that few people seem willing to take these days.

I've seen porn destroy the marriage of good friends of mine. It also amazes me that no one seems willing to acknowledge how degrading porn is to women. So much for having an advanced society; we still treat women like objects. I don't believe I'm weird or wrong for having a zero-porn policy in any romantic relationship. In fact, I hurt for women (or men) who settle for anything less. They deserve far better.

It is interesting how not only the viewing of porn but even the discussion of it can warp your mind and hurt your soul. So funny that we live in such a "sexually liberated" society where all sorts of behavior is accepted as normal but there is an epidemic of sexual problems with men and women. Face it, when you take something that was designed by God for pleasure between a husband and wife and you pervert it into a spectator sport or something with no more meaning than eating or going to the bathroom, well, you are going to have a really messed up society!!!

jps08:

It is interesting how not only the viewing of porn but even the discussion of it can warp your mind and hurt your soul.

LOL! Only if your mind and soul are weak!

jps08:

So funny that we live in such a "sexually liberated" society where all sorts of behavior is accepted as normal but there is an epidemic of sexual problems with men and women.

I see no epidemic. There have always been people with sexual problems. The difference is that today it can be discussed.

jps08:

Face it, when you take something that was designed by God for pleasure between a husband and wife

There is no evidence that there is a god, nor that any hypothetical gods specifically designed sex to be between married people. After all, sex can be pleasurable outside fo marriage. You'd think that if a god didn't intend that to happen that She'd take care of things.

ppl with addictive personalities will become addicted to just about anything. but there are ppl who drink, who aren't alcoholics. there are ppl who enjoy food, but not obese. there are so many things in this world that ppl use and do every day and they aren't addicted. just b/c you're so damned insecure about yourself doesn't mean that the rest of us can't watch porn and not know the difference between love and lust. get over your insecurities! and get away from my porn!