I have a friend who last year had surgery for thyroid cancer. About the time she was being diagnosed, her mother, over 800 miles away, was fighting cancer of her own. My friend was in tears because she could not be there to help her mother and she was concerned because the treatment center did not seem to be aggressive enough in the treatment.

She and I are fortunate that we live near a large metropolitan city with an excellent cancer treatment center. I suggested she bring her mother here for her treatment. The hospital in her mother's city immediately declaimed this suggestion, saying her mother would not be able to start her treatment if she had to move so far. My friend was in tears for days. I told her to call our cancer hospital and explain the situation to them. They assured her that all they would need was a copy of her mother's medical records and, before she even arrived in our city, the hospital set up her first appointment.

My friend was overjoyed.

So what does this have to do with the Daughter and the Golddigger?

My friends parents were divorced several years ago. Her father lives within a few miles of this major metropolitan cancer hospital. If you recall, my friend was, herself, receiving treatment for thyroid cancer. Her father was taking her to her appointments and therapy treatments. This, of course, meant that my friend was in no condition to be escorting her mother to her own treatment sessions. And who would you imagine stepped into the void?

The wife-in-law! Dad's second wife called my friend and volunteered to take her mom to her treatments.

In most ordinary circumstances, a situation like this might be unthinkable. But these people have gone beyond their own petty feelings and they regularly look to what is the right thing to do for the whole. I have not yet met the dad, the mom, or the wife-in-law, but I look forward to meeting them all in the near future.

Perhaps, if the whining daughter would find a way to look beyond her own hurts and pique and looked outside herself to what is the right thing to do for the whole, she might not only repair her relationship with her father, but she might discover a new friend in his second wife as well.

don't count on the daughter in this scenario doing anything as mature as looking at her own shortcomings. the fact that not *once* did she refer to her stepmother as anything but "the gold digger" would seem to indicate that there's a very egocentric aspect going on here - that daddy existed only to make daughter happy, and that the divorce wasn't between mom & dad, but daddy & daughter.

I'd have to say you are absolutely correct. This 'girl' obviously believes the world revolves around her. But, if she asked me for another way to repair the rift between herself and Daddy Dearest, I'd still tell her to find some space in her heart for the stepmom.

Sadly, your observation that such a mature response would be outside this whiney woman's realm is probably as true as it gets.

We were both divorced many years before we married. Although I worked many more hours than he did I did not have the inheritances he had. Even after 30+ years of partner/marriage his children are petrified I will receive any land or money at his death. My husband has given 100s of acres of prime property and thousands and thousands of dollars to his grown children. We own our house as tenants in common so his share will automatically go to them. My retirement and Soc Sec will give me approx $30,000/year and my children will receive nothing. His children too think I might be a "gold-digger" and should receive nothing. Would they like their own spouses and partners to financialy eliminate them at death?

Exactly. He really loves this woman, evidenced by his marrying her. She should get some financial support.

And, he feels sooo guilty. That's why he's not talking to the LW as much as before. He knows that he was stupid. Not to mention, the LW needs to get over this image of her dad as so being "moral." Because, he's not. And that's ok; lots of people aren't. It's quite possible to adjust to having a slightly immoral father.