Just a note to women: Pretty much all men look at porn. Occasion porn viewing does not mean your man doesn't love you or that you are not attractive. Actually I lied, it does mean you are not as attractive as the women in the porn industry. But then I assume you already know that. Your man is also not as well endowed as the men in the porn industry. He knows it and he has no problem with that. Neither should you be bothered by the fact that you are not as good looking as the women in Playboy. It's all just harmless fantasy. The bottom line is viewing porn does not in any way mean your man doesn't love you or doesn't enjoy having sex with you. And it most certainly doesn't mean that your man is a porn addict. If your man was really a porn addict, you would know from day one.

Just think of porn as going to the toilet. Something a man does mechanically, without any feelings or emotions. When your man is going to the toilet, just let him close the door and take care of business. It's not pretty and you really don't want/need to know the details.

Some types of men watch porn. True. Same type of men who think some other things they think they're supposed to.

Real men do porn with whoever. Real men have a life time of real sex on the dvd between their ears, and the ones who can't recall it are either the fat duds who can only excite a fart and never had sex worth recalling, or have no memory (lots of them, and some of them are proud of it), or those pigs who think they're supposed to watch porn like football to be a 'man'.

Bottom line, a real has makes porn, and doesn't talk about it.

Okay. Not all females hate porn or have such base insecurities as to compare themselves in porn'stars'. I can't say for sure about males. Also, as far as I've seen, the females in real life are much more beautiful and much much more attractive than any of the women in the porn industry. In fact, there's no comparison.

I know many men and women want to sleep with those ladies but at the end of the day, no one seems to want to take them home and lest I be misunderstood, it's not with the porn'star' (star..?) status but rather the fact that a person (not as a male or female) needs to hold their own fort when it comes to conversations, life, shared goals etc. Sex is like food. When you're filled, it's over and more so for males (they fall asleep right after it, basis for so many female complaints).

So, that's there. Normal people usually watch porn because 1. they got bored (not with their partner, just out of tedium) 2. they just want to masturbate without cheating (no, watching porn, if it's not an addiction, is not cheating), 3. one partner is menstruating/has a headache etc., 4. just learning some new stuff.

I would say to the LW not to look too much into it and as someone else mentioned in an earlier thread, in fact, join her husband. Besides, if you're thinking about the morality of it, just like we say, what you do in your bedroom is your own business not your churches. So that's there as well.

So icemilkcoffee... I really strayed from the point but I wanted to say one last thing. Only women with insecurities (just like men with insecurities) look at porn to find faults in themslves. There are some and perhaps many of us out here who are very comfortable and happy in our skins. I for one like the women in real life much better (they're not airbrushed, I never had problems related to implants etc. haha...) because... they're real.

Hey, I was just about to post a similar opinion.

Here's my take on it:

[For argument's sake, I'm gonna talk about a male/female relationship, but of course it applies to any combination of genders.]

The fact that a guy wants to look at porn should never make you feel insecure or not good enough. Here's why --

The babe on the computer/in the mag/on the video etc is a mere fantasy. I'm real. She's in cyberspace. I'm right here. So who is he fucking? ME!

And like icemilkcoffee wrote, porn doesn't detract from who you are or how hot you are (namely, how hot he thinks you are and how hot YOU think you are).

The guy I've dated for the past 7 years frequently looks at porn. He has a scrolling screensaver of sexy, arty images of threesomes, blowjobs etc etc He has several attractive pictures of old girlfriends on display. Do I give a shit? No, because not only is he the sexiest and most creative guy who has ever rocked my world, he thinks I'm the hottest gal he's ever explored his sexual universe with, and he tells me that all the time.

So, with us, it's all good. In fact, it's brilliant. Okay, I'm not built like Rosie O'Donnell -- I'm cute, in pretty good shape and 40+. Recently I was a bit miserable, privately lamenting the fact that I'd put on 8 pounds over Christmas and was feeling a little flabbier than I'd like to be. Unprompted, he asked me what weight I was at because he wanted me to stay that way. I was floored. Here's me thinking I could lose a few pounds and he busts out with "Your curves are smokin'! Don't change!"

This made all the difference to my self esteem.

Granted, the fact that I needed to hear it from him before I felt better about it isn't ideal -- why is my sense of self-esteem so wrapped up in what he thinks? But hey, I'm female. I'm practically programmed to think this way, even though I keep working at improving that.

Bottom line -- it's all about mind over matter. If you let it get to you, it will. If you take a step back and look at the issue from a different angle, in the best possible light you can manage, it really can help.

"Actually I lied, it does mean you are not as attractive as the women in the porn industry."

Was this broad generalization intentional snark?

Admittedly, I'm not a huge porn aficionado but have seen my share. I don't believe all men find the underfed silicone/collegen/makeup/fake fingernail/eyelashes infused women to be physically superior to a more natural looking woman. Not to mention, there is more to being attractive than the outer package. In my humble opinion, I would think most mature, intelligent adult men would be more turned on by a naturally beautiful woman who could earn a living with her brains and not lying on her back.

....real women not only have the body you see on the screen, but the personality that makes a man wanna bang them. and the real good ones, love the sex, and all the 'dancing' that goes with it, and put their own spin on it. the real turn on gets to be when she calls you and says, I wanna baby, when can we? And you know the kinda treats that await you.

Some fake moaning broad on a screen, getting shtooped by stooge number xxxx,xxxxx squared just doesn't do it, if you've had real sex.

I only understood half of your message.

Please type literately.

"The guy I've dated for the past 7 years frequently looks at porn."

So, we know you're hot, to be worth banging for 7 years. And we know your BF is an afficionado of sex.

intersurfa:

Real men have a life time of real sex on the dvd between their ears,

So? That doesn't mean that they can't enjoy fantasies. I like watching happy romance movies, but this doesn't mean that I don't think about the romance that has happened between my husband and I.

There's nothing wrong with porn, and yes "real men" watch porn.

....you're too busy having sex with real women, that your offtime is spent on other things. and what it also means, is that hamburger loses its allure when filet mingon is for dinner tonight.

and another way to put it, is that there is only so much sex the human body can have. yeah yeah we all read about the monkeys in the jungle doing it around the clock. well, human's aren't like that. most duds are good for two shots, and before, after and in between they are in the kitchen looking for spaghetti left overs.

porn is for those who can't do. like teaching is for those who can't do.

humbleIna:

"Actually I lied, it does mean you are not as attractive as the women in the porn industry."

Was this broad generalization intentional snark?

Admittedly, I'm not a huge porn aficionado but have seen my share. I don't believe all men find the underfed silicone/collegen/makeup/fake fingernail/eyelashes infused women to be physically superior to a more natural looking woman. Not to mention, there is more to being attractive than the outer package. In my humble opinion, I would think most mature, intelligent adult men would be more turned on by a naturally beautiful woman who could earn a living with her brains and not lying on her back.

I should have used the word 'physically attractive' instead. Clearly there is a lot to being 'attractive'. Intelligence, wit and confidence certainly make up a good part of it. A kind and loving heart makes up the rest of it. Porn stars are only good for one thing- getting your rocks off. Clearly no man in his right mind would want to take home one of these nasty skanky tacky drug addled damaged goods, let alone marry them. But when you look at them through the air-brushed and misty-lens renditions- they do do a good job of getting your rocks off. A physical turn on - that's all they are good for.

But you are right that a normal man would want to have sex with a real, natural and intelligent woman. Having sex and masturbating to porn are two totally different things. The latter does not in any way replace the former. Otherwise no men would bother dating or marrying women.

intersurfa:

....you're too busy having sex with real women, that your offtime is spent on other things.

After the new relationship feeling wears off, having sex more than once a day is unusual. That leaves quite a bit of time for other things, like the occasional porno or romance novel.

intersurfa:

....and what it also means, is that hamburger loses its allure when filet mingon is for dinner tonight.

And what if the filet mingon is going out with her friends that night. Or she has a lot of work. Or it's that time of the month and she's cranky.

intersurfa:

....porn is for those who can't do. like teaching is for those who can't do.

That's simply another bogus statement. To be a good teacher requires a tremendous understanding of the material that merely "doing" doesn't give you.

I was married to a porn addict for 15 years and it was anything but fun. All of your comments are referring to the "casual" porn user, not the addicts...what differentiates the two? They are one in the same. Yes, I have insecurity issues...I was married to my former at the age of 18 and all I knew throughout our marriage is that I wasn't good enough.

I hate porn for the way it makes me feel - dirty, ugly, unclean, self-loathing - and I'm dissappointed in Prudie's lax response. I can totally relate to the writer, and I know from experience that it is a serious problem. If your spouse has to look at other women, what makes you think he's not going to look at "real" women? You're kidding yourself if you think he somehow has a switch that he can turn off when the movie is over. It doesn't happen that way.

" Just think of porn as going to the toilet. Something a man does mechanically, without any feelings or emotions. When your man is going to the toilet, just let him close the door and take care of business. It's not pretty and you really don't want/need to know the details." -icemilkcoffee

This is a bunch of "crap" (pun intended). Marriage is about sharing life together. If a man wants to do his own thing, he needs to stay single.

I'm convinced, because of my own experience and others, that women really are hurt by their spouses porn use but have bought into the idea that "boys will be boys" and rather than expect the respect they deserve, they settle. We stay because we hope it will get better, we don't want a divorce, we think all men must be like that anyhow, and we die a little inside each day. Well, I'm remarried to a wonderful man, never been interested in porn (since childhood) and life is great. And, I'm regaining my self-esteem.

Deal with the issue, go to counceling. Ladies, You deserve respect!! Don't settle for less.