Dear Far,
Do you really think a letter is going to penetrate the walls your father has built up around his new life? By repeated use of the term “Gold Digger” I believe it is safe to assume that your father has gold to be dug and it sounds to me like you may be afraid of missing out on that part of the relationship.
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Dear Talk
The guy was watching a porno flick… What’s the big deal? Do you think that when he watches Orangutan Island that he yearns to live in a jungle in Borneo? When he watches Ultimate Fighting Championship do you think he is ready to choke you out? Get over yourself. He’s probably just checking out some new moves to keep your sex life so “incredible.” My advice is to keep spying on him until he walks in on you spying on him and figures out that five blissful years of marriage have all been a sham because your narcissistic neurosis finally reared it ugly head.
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Dear Tree Hugger,
The way I see it, you can do one of three things… 1) Don’t tell anyone your from Africa anymore~ try telling them your from Korea or Sweden and really blow their minds, 2) Go back to Africa and field even dumber questions about America or 3) Run with a pack with a slightly higher IQ that doesn’t ask any of these questions. You’re talking about a population that can barely find its own country on a world map. Revel in the ignorance of the idiots who ask these questions. “Do you live in a tree?” “Hell yes I live in a tree- The Keebler Elves, Tarzan and I have a timeshare, you want in?”
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Bored Game,
You just can’t have a great time and chalk it up as a great time can you? Every guy that is courteous and/or even flirtatious isn’t required to follow up with a ring offer on bended knee. I wish Prudie would demand a full body shot be submitted with these inane inquiries so we could get the Paul Harvey prior to reading her response. Then perhaps her response could read, “Yes your elbows touched but you’re the bones on your bulimic arms nearly pierced his thigh.” Or, “Perhaps your moustache only became visible to him in the hallway lighting as you were leaving.”
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