In the writer's letter she referred to her father's new wife as a "gold digger" FIVE times! It is obvious that she has some definite built in ideas on who this woman is without having ever met her or spoken to her. Was it wrong for her father to have an affair & run off with another woman? Of course! But that is what he chose to do and only he, his ex-wife (the writers mother), and the new wife know the full truth to the story of the affair & divorce. And those are the only people who need to know.

Kids like to think (even when they are all grown up) that they know every little thing about their parent's lives because the only function of the parents is to completely cater to, and submit to, the kids. "What? My parents actually have thoughts of their own that do not involve ME?! I don't believe it!"

The writer has implied that she is the poor suffering waif who was cast aside by the cruel step-mother and whipped father. She never mentioned how her mother may feel, because it's "all about" the writer being sad & dismayed. On the other hand, who did she learn about the affair from- her mother? Could it be that the mother is milking this whole ordeal as a way to garner more sympathy & further manipulate her grown children- maybe similar to how she manipulated her husband? I am sure the father has a completely different story than the mother & the new wife has her own version.

I think the daughter needs to get over the fact that her parent's lives are not hers. If she had her own life she would be raising her own kids, taking care of her own husband, and strengthening her own contribution to the world and not spending all her idle time boo-hoo-ing that her fairy tale is not ending with her pushing the witch into the oven. While everyone else in the story has moved on to brighter kingdoms, she is still tossing bits of bread crumbs hoping daddy will find his way home to her.

Her kids don't need a grandfather as much as they need a mother who is not wringing her hands over things that are out of her hands. If they have a healthy relationship with grandma, then that is all they need.

Spouses do not leave a "wonderful marriage" to run off with a freak. People, unless mentally ill (and that's a whole other ball game), do not leave a healthy home for the skids. Human instinct is to trade up. Maybe the new wife traded up when she landed Daddy. But he did not go unwillingly. Perhaps he, too, was trading up.

Some of my siblings are still upset that my 90- and 80- year old parents aren't available for their (the siblings') every beck and call. My parents actually (gasp!) GO places rather than sitting around waiting for one of us to call or to visit. They actually make PLANS, rather than waiting to find out if one of us intends to grace them with our presence that day. And - horror of horrors! - my mother actually USES THE COMPUTER (with dial-up service), rather than waiting for one of us to call! And (according to one brother) the worst sin of all is they actually SPEND MONEY on themselves or on various other people, rather than carefully investing it to leave each of us a very lovely inheritance, if they'd ever show the good manners to DIE already!

Of course, they had so many of us (luckily for me, since I'm the youngest) that it'll be spread pretty thin when they do go, anyway.

Some of us, however, are glad that they are healthy and active enough to enjoy the money they have saved over the years. If they don't leave me a dime, I have no complaints.

We should all be so lucky to have parents like that (and to be parents like that when we are 80 or 90) . . .

ecuadoriana:

On the other hand, who did she learn about the affair from- her mother? Could it be that the mother is milking this whole ordeal as a way to garner more sympathy & further manipulate her grown children- maybe similar to how she manipulated her husband? I am sure the father has a completely different story than the mother & the new wife has her own version.

When I first read that the LW had "learned" of her father's affair, I immediately thought, "from who?"

I think it's pretty telling that, even after the father moved away, he still continued to fly out and visit them "a couple times a year" and subsequently did not invite them to his wedding. They no doubt used every visit to let them know just how "saddened", "dismayed", "hurt" and "disappointed" they were. She's lucky he picked up the phone on New Year's.

Yes, I'm sure they did use every opportunity to let him know how saddened and upset they were.

But I'm also wondering why her father never introduced his kids to his new wife (or girlfriend at the time) when things were okay between them. That seems a little odd.

I can't help but laugh at all these replies about how terrible this woman is for "hating" her stepmother, and how the "stepmother could be a wonderful person" if she got to know her when about 6 weeks ago, all the threads were bashing the stepmothers and how stepmothers are all terrible to the poor stepchildren, even when the stepchildren were literal nightmares. I'm laughing out loud!!!

And believe it or not...I have some co-workers who have "traded down"...not their best moments, but it has happened!

You're right, Margo. It seems on this board, they like to bash the LWs and six weeks ago the step mother was the LW.

Yes, maybe this stepmother couldn't bear to "hear his children's names".

ElleBlue:

But I'm also wondering why her father never introduced his kids to his new wife (or girlfriend at the time) when things were okay between them. That seems a little odd.

Because I don't think things were ever "okay" between them since the split. I think he got nothing but "We're hurt, betrayed, etc." so what's he supposed to do, "Despite all of that, I'd like you to meet her". And remember, goldie gets a vote as to whether or not this meeting should take place. I'm guessing she took a pass when offered.

I think dad made a lot of effort for his grown children and I think he's still making an effort. I think they had their mind made up about the situation, whose fault it was, whose even more fault it was and those judgments continue to this day. It's been several years and numerous visits from dad in an attempt to maintain a relationship and still the LW insists he's chosen his wife over her. Well, duh. She's not 8 and it's not Saturday morning and daddy didn't just call and say he can't come and pick her up this weekend cause goldie's going in for a boob job and he wants to be there to hold her hand. He doesn't need a letter outlining the feelings she's adequately conveyed to him already. What she needs is some perspective. She should treasure that phone call from him on New Year's; my father died 40 years ago and what I wouldn't give to have him alive, married to a woman who cared enough to follow him across the country and supported him throughout the entire barrage of negativity from his grown children who could care less about his happiness than their diminishing slice of the pie.

(whew! too much espresso w fat free half n half. didn't mean to argue with you elle, hope it didn't come across that way ;)

Yes. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and I knew that it was because my dad had been having an affair. (I don't remember how I found out, but it wasn't my mom - she was irate about my knowing!) Anyway, flash forward ten years and he's still married to that woman.

But, even though they were apparently a serious relationship, I didn't meet her for a year. I didn't even care one way or another about my parents divorcing (it was better for everyone, really) but we just never met. Because my dad lived close, it happened eventually, but if he had moved away it's possible that I would not have met this woman.

My point (getting to it!) is that nobody meets the new flame in the heat of the divorce. None of the parties involved would want to do that. What a nightmare!

And, why doesn't the daughter go visit her father? Not even once? Seriously?

One difference is that the children this week are adults.

Definitely different, and they should probably grow up. But they were probably pissed off when their parents got divorced, and didn't want to meet the stepmother right away. So their dad didn't make them, even though it probably would have been beneficial. Then he moved away and they never come visit, and that's that, opportunity apparently missed. (I say this last part with a fair amount of sarcasm.)

Margo123:

I can't help but laugh at all these replies about how terrible this woman is for "hating" her stepmother, and how the "stepmother could be a wonderful person" if she got to know her when about 6 weeks ago, all the threads were bashing the stepmothers and how stepmothers are all terrible to the poor stepchildren,

Ah, but it wasn't stepmothers as a group people that were being bashed, it was stepmothers who irrationally hated their young step-children. In this case, it's an adult who irrationally hates her stepmother. It's really not the same situation.