Prudie has the correct attitude on this one. I know because I'm IN a marriage where my husband thinks there is no one handsomer or better dressed than he and that I'm just not desirable. When I confronted him about his extramarital affairs, his refusal to spend time with me in public and that we are no longer intimate, he simply stated that he is no longer "in love" with me. Why? Because he is not proud to be seen with me in public as his wife. At least the writer of the letter can lose the 20 lbs to be "hot". I could lose the 20 I've gained through the years and have the enviable body I had at 21, and I still wouldn't be "attractive". Seems my husband's eyes were blinded by his feelings and didn't realize that the woman he married is not very good-looking due to acne and other unfortunate and unchangeable features. My marriage is just 7 months old -- his vision cleared within a month of our honeymoon (where he was showing me off to everyone as sexy and beautiful.)

Prudie is right: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!! As Christina Aguilera sings: "You're beautiful, no matter what they say". Unfortunately, my self-esteem, while never really strong, is now non-existent. Don't let yourself be trapped in a marriage that depends on your looks. True love isn't blind: it accepts and loves you for who you are and considers you beautiful whether you look like Jennifer Lopez or Ugly Betty.

gitana - seems the one who should be running for her life is YOU!

Why would you put up with ALL that? This guy must be worth a sh!tload of $$$.

Boy Howdy

Run for the hills, my dear! I know what you are going through! Even though I am considered beautiful by most people I know and have garnered a lot of male attention in my life, I married a man several years ago who made me feel like the ugliest person on earth. He was an abuser and tore away any sense of self esteem I had. Please leave! There are good men out there who will be faithful and think you are gorgeous. I am now married to a man who thinks I am beautiful all the time, even when I have the flu and look like (in my opinion) a complete trainwreck. He even thinks I am more beautiful than any actress or model. I am not, I know this, but at least my husband thinks so. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and his eyes are on me. There is a man out there who will think you are gorgeous and appreciate you for all your good qualities. Besides, if he is cheating on you, you have the right, according to the Bible, to seek a divorce. Your husband sounds very verbally abusive to me. If you do divorce, take some time to find yourself again. Get involved in activities that interest you, make new friends, journal, heal. Then, the right man will find you naturally, when you are whole. Abusers seek out broken and hurting women because they are easy targets. So please, take some time to heal and love yourself before you get into another relationship.

Finally, I really sympathize with you. I was married the first time for four years to a horribly abusive and unfaithful man. It took me nearly three years to mostly get over everything that happened to me. There are still remnants of pain, but my life is now tremendously happier! There is light at the end of the tunnel!

On Annie's Mailbox today there was a similar letter writer (the 2nd LW) who wrote in on her own Mr. Vain AFTER 27 years of marriage. I appreciated the following quote from her letter:

"I agree that each spouse owes their partner the responsibility of keeping healthy, and if that is compromised by weight issues, those problems should be addressed together. It is not fair to expect one partner to spend his or her retirement years caring for the other because of neglect. But to base an entire marriage on the other's appearance is petty and juvenile."

Here's the link to the article: <link>

Wait a minute. A few months ago Prudie ripped a husband for "letting himself go" and not being attractive anymore. She said that he should keep himself in shape and do the superficial things the wife want him to do so she would find him attractive. Now when it is the woman who has to maintain her appearance it is too much to expect. As far as Christina Aguilera goes, I can't say for sure but I will wager her man is rich, tall and attractive. So don't give that the man should be hot but the woman should be seen for her inner beauty nonsense.

Just fyi, Christina Aguilera's husband is certainly rich but many would argue he is neither tall nor handsome. That is not my own personal opinion, but the media seems to make a big deal about the fact that he's "a little schlubby Jewish guy" whose wallet has inner beauty.

jaydilla, "letting oneself go" assumes that the person has changed since the beginning of the marriage: they were taking care of themself at one point but no longer are. That's a completely different situation then a relationship where one partner says "I'll marry you, but only if you comply with my superficial standard about your weight." In the first situation, something has changed in the relationship and one partner isn't happy about it. There's nothing wrong with that. (If the husband gained twenty pounds and the wife immediately filed for divorce, that would be messed up.) In the second situation, one partner is telling the other partner that something that has not changed has never been okay with him, and if she doesn't fix it he'll never marry her. That's an unreasonable expectation. You're also assuming that Mr. Vain's girlfriend isn't in shape, since her boyfriend wants her to lose weight. But it's entirely possible, probably even normal, to be pretty fit and still carry some fat - especially for women. Unless this woman is about four feet tall, the absence or presence of 20 pounds won't make much difference in her overall appearance. So for all we know, her boyfriend is just a huge dick who can only determine his own value by how much his wife weighs.