I hate this line of reasoning so much. Of course we want our kids to lie. "My mom's in the shower" instead of "I'm home alone while Mom's running to the store." "Thanks, Aunt Julia, this was a really thoughtful present" instead of "wow, that's an ugly sweater" or "I already have one just like it." Teaching tact and manners is part of parenting, at least if you want your kid to be liked by his relatives and co-workers.

One of my friends just told me last night that his boss's kid went up to him, when he had a full beard, and asked-- apparently just to be obnoxious-- "Are you a lady?"

I bet nobody ever made that kid say sorry. But hey, he never lies!

I teach children with disabilities in a primary school, so the issue about whether you should force unrepentant children to apologize or 'lie' (to be insincere) is a topic of interest. My own way of handling the situation may be useful to this exchange of ideas.

The behavior specialist at the school agrees with the author for children who have mental illness or severe behavioral issues. He explains that forcing a child to say they are sorry when they are not, teaches them to be insincere. I go along with this because, frankly, our goals for the most emotionally disabled children are for them to simply survive in the school setting. The goal of teaching nuanced social skills comes second to safety issues. Because forcing an apology can set the very ill children off, I tend to focus more on the child who is hurt. (We never want to reinforce the hurtful behavior by giving the offender more attention than the injured party. The offender of course, gets a consequence.)

For my students who have learning disabilities, (less disabled) I do teach them to say they are sorry when there is conflict between peers (that I or another adult have observed.) It is possible that they do not learn this skill at home or in other environments. They deserve the benefit of the doubt. I agree that teaching children empathy is a reasonable goal as a mother, but sometimes I am unwilling to commit that kind of time in the classroom.

What I do is (very quickly) ask questions that lead the offender to awareness of the consequences of their behavior. Once the offender sees that they hurt someone, I have the child apologize. The child often mumbles or looks at me when they apologize, so I show them how to apologize: volume, eye contact etc.... after the child does apologize; I ask the recipient if they ACCEPT the apology. That way, the decision of accepting the quality of the apology falls upon the one being apologized to. So far the injured child has always accepted, although I coach them that they do not have to accept.

Then I go back the one who offended and often tell them they are lucky because their apology was accepted- So far I haven't had to give a further consequence to the offender- But if a child gave an ugly, obviously false apology, and the other child did not accept the apology, I'd give the offender an unwanted consequence, like lose a recess to 'think about it.'

What I like about this approach is that it empowers to the one who was hurt. I’m often humbled by the graciousness the children show to one another.

I have a 19 yo college student and a 15 yo high school freshman.

I have never taught them to lie.

We have caller id, so when they were young and home alone, they simply did not answer the phone if they did not recognize the phone number.

If someone gives them a present they don't like, I have taught them to say what is TRUE which is "Thank you, it was very kind of you to think of me". Their feeling about the present do not have to be mentioned.

I don't believe that in order to "get along" that it is necessary to lie, and all three of us are both honest and polite as a result.

I also used to bring the girls together in front of me when there was a squabble. Each girl got to tell her side of the story. Usually just hearing the other girl's viewpoint was enough to cause one or both to issue a heartfelt apology. If there was no resolution, I would become judge and jury and mete out punishment to one or both.

So while one might get punished for whacking her sister, apologies were only from the heart.

I often think of this when someone offers one of those "SORRY" type of apologies. I would prefer they keep their words to themselves if they don't feel any genuine remorse.

That's not honesty, that's rudeness.

If it were my kid, I would take him aside, explain why his comment was inappropriate. If that did not generate an immediate expression of remorse, there would be a punishment.

Making him mouth a word will not improve his empathy or future behavior.

I argee with what you said. Honestly I think thats the way to raise your kids. Don't teach your kids to lie it's wrong in many ways because someday you yourself won't know if their lying or not and won't be able to trust them. Telling not Forcing your kids to APOLOGIZE is correct, it solves many things such as the hatred between two persons, teaches them how to be kind to others, to have a heart, because if whatever they did to the other kid/person happens to them they'd want the person who commited the action to say SORRY!!!!!! LIke this person said if someone gives them a gift whatever comment they have one the gift should be kept to themselves because 1. they'd hurt the other persons feelings 2. if they gave someone a gift I don't think they'd want to hear a negative reply. It's not that I'm saying it's ok to lie," you do to others what you what them to do to you."

unfortunately children are taught that lying is o.k. because of adult actions throughout there lives, like when they find out there is no santa, no easter bunny, no tooth fairy...etc. so it goes to show that lying is ok. i was brought up on forced lying on a whole different level by my foster parents , which included beatings and such if i didn,t follow their directions to lie or whatever else they wanted me to do. fortunately i have not followed in their footsteps with my own children who are now grown and 1 has children also the, other in college. i believe that children must be allowed to express how they feel in all situations even if we don't agree. that way they are not impeded of theirn own developement as people with minds of their own

i agree. Although- the tone and actual empathy of the parent ( or whoever is taking the authority role) has for the children and others in general has a great deal to do with there efficiency in being a genuine hologram for what conscious/sophisticated relating should look llike. none the less, expecting perfection in spirit and action is far from realistic so one has to have a practical understanding of what is harmonious behaviour and what is dysfunctional people pleasing. empathy CAN be taught and isn't at the same level in all people. that is why "manners" are like oil for the systems of our social networks. but what happens when the very basis of these networks loose purpose/integrity? Crisis. Crisis, which then gives rise to these great questions of what is appropriate for OUR children today? most of all i believe that teaching empathy is time consuming and requires new language, focus and patience that many of us are not always willing to give.