Just lose the weight, girl.

Don't do it for him, do it for yourself. Will you be happier fat and alone or thin and with a guy you really like? Will you be ashamed every time you look at yourself in the mirror or will you be excited every day to wake up next to the man of your dreams?

And shame on anyone who criticizes the guy for asking her to lose weight! He's a guy, that's what guys do, it's in our DNA to be more attracted to thin women, and for good reason- thin people of both genders lead happier and healthier lives, on average. God forbid your boyfriend is concerned about your health and happiness!

If you are heavy and your boyfriend or husband isn't asking you to hit the gym, it's not because he isn't thinking it. He's just afraid to say it to you for whatever reason- he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, he doesn't want to argue, he doesn't think he can find another girl if he pisses you off too much, etc. In other words, he has no balls. If he had balls, he'd either be dating someone thin or he'd be asking you to lose a little weight.

The letterwriter should consider herself lucky to be with a man who cares about her and has the balls to say what she doesn't want to hear, when she needs to hear it. That's what a true friend does: he tells you the truth whether it's to your liking or not. Think about it like this: if your guy knows an easy way to improve the overall quality of your life and even lengthen your lifespan significantly, why the heck wouldn't he tell you? If he doesn't tell you, there's something wrong with him- he's either a jerk, a coward, or both.

And for the record, I know firsthand that it is easy to lose weight and definitely worthwhile, for both guys and girls. There are so many resources out there if you're looking to lose a few pounds. Weight loss is the most common New Years' resolution, every year, and you are certainly not alone in this endeavour. Find a fitness coach and keep the boyfriend.

What if she only weighs 110 & he expects her to be hollywood thin i.e. annorexic?

I had a friend that was told by her now ex-husband, she needed to lose weight before she got pregnant so that she wouldn't get too fat while pregnant. She weighted 108 at the time!

Any good fitness coach will tell you if your weight loss goals are unhealthy. Besides, even thin people can benefit from working out.

If your guy keeps calling you overweight when your fitness coach says otherwise, then it's time to start dating the fitness coach.

Win-Win Situation = lose the weight and lose the idiot

I think this is wrong. He either wants to spend the rest of his life with her, raise a family with her, and grow old and liver-spotty with her, or he doesn't.

And he's going to learn sooner or later that, among the things he'll have to be able to do to keep a marriage going that long is learn the correct answer to "honey, do these make my ass look big?" (I know the correct answer, and I'll reveal it to you for -- $200).

This guy has started their journey together with the wrong answer. My advice to the woman would differ from Prudie's somewhat. She should discuss this with him. If they can't reach a resolution that both are content with, only then should she take some of the other posters' suggestions for creative ways to dump him.

I am assuming your letter was tongue-in-cheek to show an extreme positon. The condition to lose 20 pounds was not couched as health-related but because he wanted a "hot" wife. Big difference. The guy is showing himself to be a controlling lout. As I posted earlier, will there be a weigh-in? what happens if she gains back a pound or two? Other control points will come up later - you better be willing to do a three-some because I want a "hot" wife and that's what "hot" wives do. You better let me make home-made porn and post it for my friends because I want a "hot" wife and that is what "hot" wives do. You better hike up that skirt when we go out because I want a "hot" wife and that is what "hot" wives do (wasn't there a Video on that a few weeks ago?). These are just the "hot" examples. I am sure there will be others (job? friends? etc.).

I am all for making requests of your partners to spice things up but when they become demands, the subject is not really relevant. What is relevant is the control factor.

dk_brown:

I am all for making requests of your partners to spice things up but when they become demands, the subject is not really relevant. What is relevant is the control factor.

I have a hard time seeing this as a "control issue". He didn't demand that she do anything. He simply stated that he was unwilling to do something (marry her), unless she was 20 pounds lighter. Unless you can make a case that he has some moral obligation to marry her with no conditions whatever, he has every right to say, "I will do this for you if you will, in return, do thus for me. It's called quid pro quo, not control.

As for what RonB52 said, <g> The correct answer to that question is, "No, darling... it is your diet that makes your ass look fat. Those just make it more obvious".

Then duck...

Give me a break. He's not asking her to lose the weight out of concern for her health - he's doing it because he wants "a hot wife." And making his proposal contingent upon it is outright manipulative - nothing else. Fact: women's weight fluctuates and it often has little to do with what we eat. We're always losing the same several pounds only to regain them over Thanksgiving or a vacation. What is he going to do someday if she's pregnant? and then has trouble losing the baby weight? Threaten to divorce her? Nah, ditch this manipulative loser to the curb. I think he just doesn't want to marry her and is looking for an excuse. (I've been married for 7 years - trust me, I know.)

The woman didn't say if she was overweight or not. If she's 200 pounds, that's one thing. If she's 130 pounds, that's another.

Yeah, men are visually oriented - we get it. It's still not an excuse. Why is he even with her NOW if he's so dissatisfied with the way she looks?

What a lot of nerve to say that when you don't even know whether she's overweight at all! Why do you assume the boyfriend is right? Does his opinion count more than the person who's actually living in the body?

If the goal is being happy and healthy, she obviously is already there. She's happy with herself. And yes, it's her opinion that matters. Deciding when one is not happy with his or her body and wants to change something is a decision up to the person; nobody else has the right to make that dictation, and it never makes for a happy relationship.

Have you noticed the recent medical news on thinness vs overweight? Turns out people with a certain amount of "overweight" live longer! Also, you should check on things like "set points." Everybody is not meant to be thin. There is great natural variation among human beings, and fighting your natural set point sets you up for a lifetime of misery.

You're also wrong about "all guys" being attracted to this or that. The amount of body fat considered attractive has changed all throughout history. It went up and down a few times even in the 20th century even. And I can testify that a lot of men prefer someone with a voluptuousness over the fashionable body type of the day.

Honey, don't let this guy scare you into making yourself unhappy with statements like "all men" - that just ain't true.

No, he has no moral obligation to marry her. But the point is, should she want to marry him? Nobody's suggesting she wait around till he changes his mind. They are a bad match. He needs to go find Barbie.

Who is to say he will stop with the weight?

Next it could be "get a nose job" "get a boob job", etc. Will she ever be able to fullfill his image of a "hot wife"?

Good point that we don't know whether or not she is overweight. But we seem awfully quick to throw out the favorite word of the DearPrudy crowd -- controlling. But in all reality why is this such an issue? He may be a jerk, he may not be tactful, but losing weight is not hard to do. Everyone will be happier in the long run.

How is this different from a woman telling a man how to dress, or how to wear his hair? Don't tell me you have never done that with your husband/boyfriend ect.

dumb_blonde:

Who is to say he will stop with the weight?

Next it could be "get a nose job" "get a boob job", etc. Will she ever be able to fullfill his image of a "hot wife"?

Exactly.

"Healthy wife" doesn't have quite the same ring to it as "hot wife".

It's ludicrous for the OP to interpret his request as a health issue. Health issue was never even alluded to in this letter.

This guy is withholding the "favor" of marriage that he would otherwise bestow on her if she was thinner??? Girl, you better get out of there or your next letter is going to be about how he growls at your dog.

Would you really want to marry someone who isn't tactful and obviously seriously controlling? That is guaranteed to play havoc with her self-esteem as the years go by. He'll never say Darling why don't you go and treat yourself to the salon for a day and get a hair cut. But rather say that hair cut makes you look dumpy/fat/old fashioned I think you need a cut.

And a woman telling a man to put on a button down shirt once in a while really isn't forcing dramatic lifestyle changes. To loose 20 lbs, whether you are overweight or not, is not as easy as some of you are making it sound.

She should dump the looser and find someone who will make her feel good all the time.

Rebecca W.:

No, he has no moral obligation to marry her. But the point is, should she want to marry him? Nobody's suggesting she wait around till he changes his mind. They are a bad match. He needs to go find Barbie.

I'll concede the point. I wasn't suggesting that she was obligated to lose the weight. I was merely pointing out that vilifying him was pointless and absurd.

I'll go one step further, in fact... if he does not find her sexually appealing because of her weight, perhaps he should move on now, rather than telling her how he feels and offering her the opportunity to rectify the situation. It's really a no-win situation for him. He can be honest about how he feels, and get nailed to the wall for being insensitive, controlling, manipulative and shallow, or he can marry someone he feels no real physical attraction for and deal with the fallout from a relationship based on feigned attraction and supressed feelings. Neither option is a very good deal - for either of them. There are plenty of women down at the gym who actually do stay in shape, despite pregnancies, aging and gravity. If that's what he's into, he should probably restrict himself to dating - and marrying - within that circle.