I don't think that's actually helpful advice.

Eventually it was beaten into my skull that you Americans have serious issues about weight. Over the past two decades I have come to understand that in this country, saying your girlfriend is fat is on par with shagging her sister at Thanksgiving.

Frankly, you're stupid.

But this guy with the "lose 20 and I'll marry you" is even stupider. (So was shacking up in the first place, but hey, nobody pays any attention to my "antiquated" views on that subject, either.) I spent a lot of my youth abroad, and I managed to figure out the American thing with fat already. How the Hell did someone who went to high school here miss that?!

But let's talk motive. Americans equate marriage with the wedding, being congenitally incapable of identifying the legal and economic ramifications of the institution (i.e. the reasons it exists). Thus, a perfect wedding equates with a perfect marriage. Women fantasise about it all the time. The wedding industry serving those fantasies is a giant, terrifying, all-consuming monster, coquettishly done up in a white chiffon dress. The astonishing array of bullshit all participants must endure in order to conform to these elaborately codified fantasies is far more voluminous than the colic capacity of every bull that ever lived anywhere. Here we have a man who, in the face of this terrifying ogre, has the courage (or sheer idiocy) to hold up the slenderest reed of masculine desire.

The correct response here isn't one of vindictive leave-taking. No. It's time to bargain. In other words: "I'll fulfill your fantasy of making everyone jealous of your bride if in exchange you do these other things about on par with losing a couple stone." Then you work together to make your sick theatrical production a reality. Dropping twenty means you have every right to demand everything from the coach and four down to a properly fitting cummerbund on every monkey in the house, and a professional organist with more fingers than a New Jersey turnpike.

And if Mr Vain isn't up to the challenge, then you decide (again, together): Are we gonna get married like the real human people we are, or am I going to go and find myself a man who isn't such a total chuckling numbskull?

Personally, my wife and I went for theatre, and I don't regret it. I figured I'd only get one shot at putting on that kind of show, and so far I was right. I cut my hair, worked out, and drove the florists and caterers like a dominatrix competing in the Iditarod. But I bleeding well knew the whole thing was a fantasy, and I'm packing the spare tire to prove it; a spare tire my wife tolerates because, dammit, when it's snowing out and she wants some freakin' chocolate, I'll go out in the snow and get her some. Fair's fair.

Zonemind:

...you Americans have serious issues about weight. ...

Frankly, you're stupid.

... Americans equate marriage with the wedding, being congenitally incapable of identifying the legal and economic ramifications of the institution (i.e. the reasons it exists). ...

Nice to see you took your arrogance pills this morning.

Ever notice how smart and attractive the British are? Me neither.

Nice stereotypes and generalizations, Zonemind. Did it ever occur to you that most of us Americans are from somewhere else? Or that our parents are from elsewhere and we were raised with the parents' culture? Therefore most Americans are different from each other and even the natives values, mores and beliefs differ from state to state. The States is a big place!

oh yes, all us americans are fat and stupid and bridezillas.... ok.... right. maybe you should turn off your tv and actually judge people for who they are....

i find most of your comments shallow and insipid, but would actually enjoy a discussion on the topic of "shacking up", if you are interested. not everyone believes in marriage. not everyone wants to get married. and not everyone is going to rush out and marry the first fool they find so that they can 1) have sex and 2) not be alone. so my question to you is, if you had to choose, which would you think is preferable: spending your life sexless and alone because you never found someone to get married to? or 'shacking up' with someone who you are compatible with and whose company you enjoy but who you aren't quite sure you want to legally (and, for some, spiritually) commit yourself forever to. Sure, it's an either/or queston, but feel free to bring up any other points you like....

In the foreigner's fray yesterday, that very issue (how americans view the world and how the world views americans) was hotly contested... weird how for some it's as easy to spot a stereotype as it is for others to use one.

You zero sense for irony. You know that?

It'd be cute if it weren't fucking annoying.

Also, I'm not British. Sean Connery is, though. And Patrick Stewart, in addition to being British, is actually English as well. And William Lawerance Bragg, while technically an Australian, managed to win the Nobel prize in physics at the age of 25. You know, while we're on the sexy/smart subject.

So, I'll see your arrogance and raise you some uncultured xenophobia. Oh, and I'll accuse you of poor personal hygiene and a limited sex life, just because I'm feeling saucy today.

Waa-cha!

Yes, hyperbole a lot. Duh.

I mean DUH!!!

As an American, I would like to defend the views expressed by zonemind as being well reasoned, well written and entertaining. I suspect that the 'Americans' and others who disagree with zonemind's views are probably the very stereotypes zonemind was describing - hence their implied offense by what was so obviously a nice slice of reality.

Additionally, I would argue that anyone who agrees to marriage voluntarily (including zonemind) is raving mad and should seek psychiatric treatment immediately.

Sean Connery was born in Edinburgh, Scotland. Wouldn't that technically make him Scottish?

"So, I'll see your arrogance and raise you some uncultured xenophobia. Oh, and I'll accuse you of poor personal hygiene and a limited sex life, just because I'm feeling saucy today."

That is why I like the British. Much more effective and exciting than a simple F U.

Moving back to the original letter and advice....

I have to agree that girlfriend needs to walk away. This behavior will only get worse and will eventually turn from deal making to berating. I watched my mother struggle with this issue as my father told her over and over that if she got fat he would leave her. Of course, she began stress eating, which created a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not to mention the Christmas where he bought her membership to Weight Watchers which she had to fake being happy about in front of us kids. Ugh.

You either love someone or you don't, for who they are. If your weight was a health issue, I could see your bf being concerned -- but I want a hot wife??? Yeah, well I want a bf that isn't a vain dipshit.

Hot girlfiends/wives actually exist. Unfortunately, boyfriends/husbands which aren't vain dipshits only exist in fairy tales.

I'm Eastern European! And I love this country! Most of my time was spent in New York City (also full of foreign transplants). I learned most of the American stereotypes through TV, myself. And I love those cute southern accents (especially on guys)!

Okay, I'll be serious for a moment. But, I'm not going to stay on the rails here, because I don't really like any of the scenery they go by.

Marriage is a contract. It's an economic institution. I don't talk about love and sex very much if I can help it. That's personal stuff, and frankly I don't understand where most people are coming from. I try, but it's just not something I "get". I try to stick to subjects I understand, even (perhaps especially) when being a needling smartass.

My objection to "shacking up" is a practical matter. It's not an emotional or spiritual thing. I do notice that people here, for being so obsessed with material things, spend an inordinate amount of time talking about spiritual and emotional matters. Since I don't understand or relate well to most of that discussion, I try to avoid it.

And, for such a spiritually conversant people, Americans seem to have a real problem actually talking about or addressing death. When I was in Latin America, wow... I thought we probably talked about death a little too much. Here? It's like everyone is determined to pretend he or she is immortal. Anyway, marriage helps a lot with the transmission of property following death. It helps a lot with the assignment of responsibility in the event of a medical or legal crisis.

Ideally it would also help you identify who is and who is not a viable potential sex partner, but humans are generally so horny that it's probably never been particularly good at that.

That's really all I have to say on the subject. I'm not going to try and convince anyone I'm right... because frankly you people are idiots and you deserve to suffer.

Not true. I know several married men, including my husband, who are neither vain nor dipshits.