This situation is an interesting turn of events. Girlfriends generally tell their men how to dress, how to cut their hair, how to act, what to eat, who to hang out with, to go to the gym, etc, etc, etc. I've heard single women in their 30s proclaim that they do not want a relationship because they do not want to have to "train" another man. Unconditional love indeed.

So this guy tells his little fatty to put down the doritos for a change so the ring will fit on her fat little finger. A bold move on his part for sure, but a reasonable one if she knows him and likes his character. He's probably the kind of guy who doesn't BS around. That may be what she likes most about him, but with those types of people you have to take the good with the bad.

There are two ways she could react to this. 1) She could dump the guy while lamenting the absence of unconditional love in the world today, then commiserate with friends over tubs of rocky road ice-cream and bacon fat.

or

2) She could take this opportunity to change her life and get into great shape. She should commit herself to a regular exercise regimine and practice good diet which she should be doing anyway. It sounds like she loves the guy, but if things ultimately don't work out she can parlay that hot body of hers into pretty much any dude she wants. A win-win.

Why do you assume she's fat? 20 lbs sits differently on different people. And I believe I've seen Prudence give the same advice to men whose girlfriends are trying to change them.

Using the term 'hot wife' tells me this dude is more concerned with what others think he has than him appreciating what he has. He might have just as well used the term 'trophy wife.'

And what happens if she choses #2 and then at some point find it impossible to keep the figure? Many women have told me a woman's body is never the same after having a child. Even if you get back in shape, and back to your orginal weight, or a lower weight, some things, like your breasts, or the width of your hips, may never be the same. Will he accept that?

Or, say she develops a medical problem necessitating a cessation of exercise, like a joint replacement. Sure, she will eventually be able to get back on the treadmill, but not right away. Will he leave her?

What type of emotional security do you have if you know your spouse will leave you if you gain weight? Being is shape is a good thing, and if she's 20 lbs or more overweight, she should try to get in shape for her own sake and her own health. But if that's not her priority, dangling an engagement ring in front of her as a prize for losing weight isn't going to permantly change her. He needs to go find an exercise buff and she needs to find someone who loves her personality and mind more than her body.

Yes, the assumption here is that she is a slightly plump girl who could stand to lose 20 pounds. Obviously if he is suggesting that she drop her weight to an unhealthy level then he is a nut.

The nature of her letter however refers to her desire for "unconditional love" which translates into "if he really loves me he would pretend that I am not fat"

The real question is, should guys be able to say to their women, "Hey baby, you could stand to love a few pounds" or should they keep their mouths shut and pretend everything is fine (until one day a young hottie comes along and then they just drop the fatty like and anchor and split)?

Humor aside it's not an easy question. I suspect that the guy really likes her but he's afraid that as soon as he marries her she is going to stop putting on makeup, stop shaving her legs, and balloon up to 300 pounds. So she can either get fit or take a walk. I suggest she hit the gym.

Amen. Something tells me that if this woman was really and truly "fat" then this guy wouldn't have been with her in the first place. "Fat" is a relative term. All you need to do is watch The Devil Wears Prada - the main character was made to feel like a fat girl at a size 6 (!) and was more accepted socially when she starved herself to a size 4.

As for women always telling their boyfriends what to wear, how to have their hair cut, who they can/can't hang out with, etc. may I suggest you start looking elsewhere for female companions (or read different magazines)? We're not all like that. Not all of us want a doormat - and we don't want to be one in return.

but i agree.

this guy is who he is. i'm not saying good or bad, but he might be a little too immature for marriage. she maybe needs to understand that much.

anyways, at the end of the day, she wants to eat her cake and have it too. she wants there to be "unconditional, true love", and she wants it to be with this guy. well, baby, maybe there is "unconditional, true love", but if it exists, it isn't this guy.

Talia,

Good question. So because I can reasonably expect to be old and out-of-shape someday, I should not work out today?

She's 24 years old, in the prime of her life, doesn't have kids. Hit the gym! Look sexy! It's okay to do this now. Priorities will change with time and if he can't adjust to that then he is obviously a deadbeat. But asking a 24 year old to get fit doesn't automatically make him one.

"As for women always telling their boyfriends what to wear, how to have their hair cut, who they can/can't hang out with, etc. may I suggest you start looking elsewhere for female companions (or read different magazines)? We're not all like that. Not all of us want a doormat - and we don't want to be one in return."

Are you kidding? If it wasn't for the ladies, we would all be a bunch of bums. We depend on women for fashion and style. Smart, sexy women have high standards. They aren't going to let their guys sit on their asses, drink beer, and watch ball all night, not matter how badly we want to.

It's okay, if not desirable, for women to expect more from their men - and tell them so. But is it okay for men to expect more of their women?

its well recognized that most men will wear stripes, plaid and polka dots together if left unchecked. shoes will go unshined, hair uncut . .. that sort of thing. women are more fastidious about appearance, bathing, health, nutrition

that said, i'm slightly troubled by the control aspects of him requiring her to lose 20 pounds before he'll consider proposing, while evidently he has lower standards for simply sleeping with her out of wedlock.

marriage is about compromise and meeting each others important needs (and love) . .. that said, it's evolutionary, rather than seismic change.

"i can't marry you until you get slimmer, richer, more erudite, etc" is almost the antithesis of love, isn't it?

Why do so many people read the first "i" as an "a"? Not plantsmen, I guess.

Anyway, you're right that people should work out and care about their figure when they can. However, there is no indication that the guy will accept a middle-aged wife with a couple baby pounds that never left when they're old. My question to you is why marry someone who does not seem able or willing to accept a less than ideal figure? Sure, be in shape and sexy now, but why should the girlfriend set herself up for misery later, when the ravages of age leave her unable to meet his standards?

It reminds me of my college boyfriend. He always refused to do things like spend a holiday with my family, or attend a funeral or wedding of a relative of mine because we weren't engaged or married. I never understood how or why he thought I would want to be engaged to someone whose past behavior indicated that he was not willing to be there for these things. It seems unwise to enter into a life-long commitment wiht someone under the assumption that future behavior will somehow deviate positively from past and present behavior. If this guy cares enough about her weight to not want to marry her now, why would you think he'd care less about it once they're married?

No argument with the first paragraph -- I'm a better dressed man for all the fashion "advice" I was given over the years. Dress and grooming are important to women, conversly physical attractivness (weight) is important to men. Why the double standard?

Now before you whip out the C-word (control), this is the crux of the issue:

It's okay, if not desirable, for women to expect more from their men - and tell them so. But is it okay for men to expect more of their women?

Because its not a request its a demand.

He's not saying I love you, lets get married, and oh by the way you would really look great if you lost some weight.

He's saying "Loose some weight and then will see if about marriage".

Thatguy:

It's okay, if not desirable, for women to expect more from their men - and tell them so. But is it okay for men to expect more of their women?

Wow, I rarely hear a man state that it is okay for women to "expect more". I am more accustomed to hearing men complain that women want to "change" them. (I mean that partly in humor).

But to be more specific, what do you mean by "expect more". If my husband expects me to do more housework... well, let's not go there. (Heh heh)... If he desires for me to continue to grow by keeping up with world events and exercising because he knows it fulfills me, that's different.

Expectations are what destroy relationships, because they are rarely the same for both parties. Acceptance is what makes relationships work.

I agree that we don't know that the OP is even fat. "Hot" in Hollywood means being a size 0. Maybe she's a perfectly normal weight for her height but she's doesn't look like Nicole Kidman.

If he said she needed to have a breast enlargement before he married her, would we even be having this disccussion, or would everyone have just called him a pig? There's so much fat prejudice right now, we just ASSUME she's fat, and ASSUME she overeats and ASSUME she's lazy, instead of ASSUMING he's a pig.

Let's examine him: she's good enough to f- right now, but not good enough to marry? She's good enough to be seen in public with him now (we assume the go out on dates), but not good enough to be seen with him in public with a ring on her finger? This is sounding like he's a pig. Because either she's not fat and he's trying to control her or weasel out of marrying her, or she is fat and he's just using her until something better comes along.

Do fat women deserve to be used just because they are fat? Didn't white men once use black women without care for their well-being just because they were black, and therefore seen as inferior and not afforded the same regard as a white woman? If you start in on "yeah, but she can lose weight, so it's not the same thing," then account for the documented fact that 95% of ALL people who diet fail to keep the weight off three years. Is everyone weak-willed or are there things about how our body works that we haven't discovered yet, and thus we haven't found how to make it keep weight off? Even if she lost weight for him, she's almost certain to have it all back after the wedding anyways. Would he then divorce her for it?

Daddy's just got himself a cow and free milk. He's just using her weight (whether it exists or not) as an excuse to not have to marry her. He likes shacking up with her and getting free sex and the other amenities of life without having to risk anything with marriage. When some other woman comes along with better amenities (whether they be looks, size, or income), he'll ditch her so fast it'll make her head spin.

He's only looking out for himself and the faster she ditches him, the better her life and self-esteem will be. There are plenty of men out there who like women with curves; she need not settle for some man who tells her she's never quite good enough to deserve what other, "better" women expect and deserve. That's called mental abuse.

plain zero:

Priorities will change with time and if he can't adjust to that then he is obviously a deadbeat. But asking a 24 year old to get fit doesn't automatically make him one.

He's NOT asking her to "get fit." He's asking her to lose weight. There's a big difference, even if - for most people - they go hand-in-hand. What if she required him to start using Rogaine? Or to get that degree he's been putting off? There's seld-improvement because you truly want someone to be happier about themself, and there's improvement so you look better being with that person. His is definitely the latter, or the weight would have been a request, and not a condition.