Dear DPers,

I totally missed King's Day this year, but it's lost its glow: the best King cake on the planet was McKenzie's and nothing can replace it. The slice with the doll in it means different things to different groups in New Orleans' multilayered culture: in my family (I'm not saying if any of us belong to a krewe or what those krewes might be, but let's just say we get really good beads at some parades), it meant you were in charge of the first party of the season. So now who's got the doll?

Dear Prudie,
I wish my boyfriend would change who he is even though I refuse to change to satisfy him. Besides, he hurt my child, I mean, puppy! I mean, full grown stanky spoiled dog that I over-identify with!
signed,
Good, Princess!

Dear Paris,
Get your dog off the bed, it smells funny. And so does your side of this story. I bet the dog growls first anyway.
signed,
Iso know when I'm licked.

Dear Prudie,
I browbeat hubby into letting me pump up my saintly image with a rescue dog, but now even I must admit it's a raving psycho. Like the first writer, I have no idea that dogs are not people.
thank you,
As Crazy as the Dog

Dear I'll Say,
Why don't you and Paris Hilton up there just run off and save your hubby and her boyfriend further unnecessary suffering? Then when your psycho dog eats her Mini Me, you can write me back about how you choked them both to death with a leash.
signed,
Iso draw the line here, people.

Dear Prudie,
I've done made my choices. Now how do manage to avoid the consequences?
signed,
Not lonely, I swear!

Dear Iso bet you're not,
Since you don't mention ever telling anyone about this guy, I assume "people" means everyone you know, including your mom. If you really were a "highly independent woman." you'd just tell them that, a. Jesus is your boytoy, b. The last thing you want is a husband because they are a bitch to train and at your age they don't contribute anything but dirty dishes and laundry, c. you're gay, d. you're in a good relationship, and leave it at that. Notice two of those are guaranteed not to be lies.

"People" are reacting to your obvious loneliness, and their perception of its cause; and the only way to change that is to live your life honestly. Failing that, live it shamelessly (hence the Jesus and gay sex options). I don't mean you have to stop fucking him. I just mean you have to stop hiding if you really believe in what you're doing.

If his wife really is severely disabled, she belongs in a nursing home and the kids should not be babysitting while the old man gets laid, regardless of their age. If she's not, then he's lying to you, and -- oh, I get it: you're refusing his offer because you know it's not for real, and you don't want to find out the truth?

signed,
Iso bet you won't

Dear Prudie,
I don't want to talk about anything my friends talk about, but I want to force them to stay friends with me. How can I make them act like nothing has changed in their lives since high school?
signed,
Loads of Alcohol Always Worked Before

Dear Baby Hater,
You must choose between your empty life of drifting meaninglessly from bar to bar to stranger's bed, doomed to half a century of regretful spinsterhood, and the endless crapping out of squawling brats like so many misplaced anal beads that is your only alternative.
signed,
Iso think you better get poppin

OK, TMI on that one. It's difficult for me to think of friends flashing for beads. Sorry you missed King's day. I haven't ever been down South that time of year. Sounds like a good party.

I hope Paris Hilton #1 and #2 up there get into a "cat fight" after their dogs try to eat (or hump) each other.

I wonder why no one sympathizes with the 20-year mistress... wait - I don't care either. There's nothing more pathetic than an old, dried out, bitter old mistress.

Minor quibble - that last letter writer said she was married but that's not really credible, and I agree with the rest of your comments. People like that should not have kids anyhow - they just try to drag them along barhopping.

I didn't think it could get better until "misplaced anal beads."

LMAO, Iso!

We're natives, we don't do that sort of thing. You get the good beads by knowing someone in the krewe, not by ecdysia. I dont' sympathize with much of anyone, but in her case, it's because she wants something for nothing, which is how you get conned.

As for the last LW, she may well be married, but if she's not pregnant and still going to bars, then she is undoubtedly cheating on the poor guy and probably hasn't even told him she's on the pill, otherwise she'd have six or seven kids by now.

And I've actually seen a baby in a biker bar in my day. A yuppie baby. Really.

So when are we going drinking, anyway?

Finally, someone who thinks LW#1's story is a load of crap.

Do remember that these letters are mostly fake anyhow, and that we are only getting a filtered version of one side of the story. We have to make fun of what's available here. It's all we have.

We've had more crazy cat ladies lately but don't rule out the possibility that the lady is that nutty. Most overprotected little female yappy dogs will pee on the floor if you so much as look, let alone growl, at them. (I wonder if some of them would run and hide if you barked at them? hmmmm.) A lot of them will pee from the excitement of someone coming to the door. The males will just prance around and try to hump your leg since "mommie" couldn't stand to have them neutered and properly trained.

Thank you, the first sane response to LW #4!

Most others seem to offhandedly comment on how her friends should have been on the pill as well. As if they forgot to take their meds, so they caught the most dreaded STD of all: pregnancy! The LW could very well be in her mid to late 20s, and is that really such a bad age to have a child?

I know, after women's lib, women now have the freedom to become soulless CEOs, bloodsucking lawyers, and even doctors who work 12 hours a day. But God Forbid they become mothers. Young mothers. Such a shame, a tragedy.

I doubt LW's friend's "anti-pregnant" comment was out of the blue. She probably rolls her eyes every time her friends bring up pregnancy or baby subjects. And yes, inviting a very pregnant woman to a bar is insensitive if it is the only attempt that you have made to be social with her one-on-one. The underlying theme of a bar is alcohol. "Oh, don't mind while we get drunk, you can enjoy your ginger ale. Have you really been missing beer for the last eight months? Gee, I love to drink with my husband all the time, but I can't image why this would seem like I'm rubbing your inability to in your face"

Honestly, LW's friends need to dump her.

Isonomist,

You had me rolling on the floor! As smart and funny as ever.

Read the letter. It wasn't a one-on-one invite!

...maybe you should spend some time exploring why you despise women so much. Or is it that you're jealous of those that have managed to have a life and children at the same time?

It's good to see you in the ether again, hope all is well bayou. I hope I find some pithy grooveladyism over at the Wire Club today, we need you!

I hope you don't think I really meant the response to her. Yes I think she's selfish and has exaggerated expectations of her friends, but I don't really think she should start popping babies right now. I think she needs to grow up first.

The only reason I read Prudie is so I can laugh my head off at your Isolutions.

Awwwwww!! You're my new favorite!!! Thanks, missyfeetz!