Prudie,

After reading your response to the woman who invited her pregnant friend to a bar, I was shocked! Of course her friend had a right to feel a bit upset at her invitation. I am in a similar situation myself ( being part of the small minority in my group that is neither pregnant nor a new mother) and would NEVER consider inviting a pregnant friend to a bar. On-the-pill should know that yes, inviting her eight month pregnant friend to a bar was insensitive and "anti-pregnant". If she was really trying to consider her friends feelings, she could have just as easily suggested going somewhere in wich all parties have a chance to enjoy themselves.

I guessing that the LW is fairly young, and her whole life revolves around going to a bar. So she couldnt possibly understand why a pregnant person wouldnt want to go. I mean really, who wouldn't want to sit there and be uncomfortable while her so called "Friends" get drunk? Or, maybe the LW was trying to be responsible and invite preggo so she could be the designated driver.

I don't have as much of an issue with her inviting her to a bar as I do with the way she prefaced the invitiation. When I was prego (L-O-N-G ago) I went a few times to bars with friends and had no problem... if I hadn't wanted to go I wouldn't have. I didn't drink, or had one glass of wine and my close friends didn't drink alot when they were with me. I guess I was lucky. It also depends on what kind of a bar you're talking about... I didn't mind sitting down in a decent place that was void of a bunch of drunken jerks falling all over the place.

To me the issue is that the LW stated "you may not want to come," which proves she is aware prego wouldn't be interested but invited her anyway. Nice invitation, shows alot of concern and forethought.

Was the invitation senisible or overly friendly? No. Does that mean it was "anti-pregnant?" Give me a break. Could everyone stop trying to be a victim for 5 minutes in this country?

When I was pregnant with my (only) child, I enjoyed going out to bars, seeing live music, spending time with my friends, thinking and talking about stuff besides my big belly... It made me feel sort of not-pregnant -- like a smart, fun, normal, rational, adult again.

Granted, these bars weren't smoky, weren't too loud, and no one I went out with was getting drunk. (Intoxication isn't the only reason for going to bars!) Also, I couldn't stay out as late as I'd been able to pre-pregnancy, but I knew it would be a while before I'd have such unfettered freedom (like, 10 years and counting...). The people who invited me out were definitely friends, not "friends."

What was interesting to me was the looks and occasional comments I got from other people. I also got the same reactions from people when I chose to stand on the subway (I had an 8-5 office job at the time), run in the park, and take the stairs at work.

Despite Schuylercat's statement about the state of pregnant women's emotions (and boy, do I feel bad for him and the mother(s) of his kids!), some women do just fine during pregnancy -- enjoying working, playing, exercising, even having sex -- right up until they go into labor. I found it tedious to focus on being pregnant all the time, and was happy to have any opportunity not to.

Just my healthy, happy $0.02.

:-D

carriea you are my personal hero. i've never been pregnant but when i do decide to have children, i don't want my life to become all about being 'in the family way'.

yes, you do have to be aware of the fetus, taking care of yourself, being healthy, etc. but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying your life and having interests.

it sounds like she tried to include her friend in an activity but didn't realize her friend was avoiding such places. 'anti-pregnant' seems a bit heavy handed. if she wanted to stay involved with her friend she might consider an open ended invite. 'i'd love to see you and get together with you. where would be a good place for you...?' or just invite her over to your house for dinner. you can cook for her and have a glass of wine while she sips on juice.

at any rate, keep including her in your life but be aware of her limits. friends with young kids need all the support they can get.

just to give you a possible reason why someone might look askance at a pregnant woman who does not sit down on bus/subway....

in my personal experience, it rankles when people don't sit in subway but still block the seats and take up space. if it's not crowded, then it's not a big deal. but if you're keeping me from sitting down when i want to, or making a space more crowded than it need be (this goes for people who stand in the middle of the doorway on an empty train, etc.. too), well it's a bit annoying. i wonder sometimes what these people are thinking. sometimes i think they are just more comfy standing, sometimes i think they aren't paying attention to the fact that there are other people around trying to move past them and then every now and then i wonder if someone is just trying to piss me off. like when someone seats their child (who is awake and perfectly fine to stand) and stands themselves on a crowded train. for example, if the parent had taken the seat and held the child in front of them or on their lap, then i might not be stuck over in the corner with my face stuck in some nasty man's armpits. (but i haven't spent a whole bunch of time thinking about this....)

alternately, some probably are staring at the pregnant woman feeling guilty that they haven't offered their own seat...

;)

I guess everyone is different. As for whether this was offensive, obviously the intent wasn't there butI think big question is: How and where did the mom-to-be socialize before the pregnancy? If these friends hung out in bars, it might be reasonable to assume that a night out in a pre-preggo environment might help the woman feel a bit "herself" for a few hours. I'm a big fan of live music and an active supporter of a program for teens and adults with developmental disabilities. Two days before my third child's birth I was in a bar drinking bottled water as my husband, an attorney who also plays guitar, performed in a band for a benefit for people with disabilities. It was a cause that was important to me and an activity I "normally" enjoyed. I admit I got tired kind of early, but I made my dad come with, just in case I went into labor. My dad's brother and sister also decided to come just for the fun of it and to support the cause. We had a great time. My son, now 5, loves live music and it was quality time with my father, aunt and uncle. It also was the last time I saw my uncle before his untimely death and I wouldn't trade that night for anything.

Few people actually plan to talk about nothing but their kids. However, if they have limited outside activities, which is common among mothers when the children are tiny, there's not much new to discuss. All their energies are focused on the kids. A caring friend would understand this, and try to find things the new parents has been interested in but hasn't had time to keep up with to discuss or to do with them. Bar-hopping usually isn't one of those. And why didn't she simply pick up the phone to invite her "friend" somewhere?

Let's get real here. The way I read this question, the young lady missed her friend and pretty much just asked her, "Hey, this is what I'm doing. Want to come with?" Nothing in the world wrong with that and the hormonal and rude response was nothing compared to what the young lady might have received if she had failed to include her friend at all.

of course, that is a relative question. but people that harp on any topic that another party is not interested in become annoying to the other party. in this case the LW feels that way about her friends with kids. Really, the LW hints at having many different issues that are at play in this situation, so one can only judge the situation piecemeal and not as a whole.

personally, i don't believe that just because we are friends are one point in our lives, that it is set in stone. i'm not obligated to continue a friendship i find unenjoyable. it doesn't mean i wish you ill, just that we will not socialize in the same way as previously because...gasp!.... people change. i will not try and MAKE a friendship out of nothing.

smitn:

the hormonal and rude response was nothing compared to what the young lady might have received if she had failed to include her friend at all.

You make a good point. I think Brittney, er, Lindsay (whichever one we're talking about here) would've been more offended if she found out all her friends went out without her.

Ever seen the movie "The Snapper"? Terrific movie. People get upset in this country if a prego even considers drinking a cup of coffee (GASP), let alone entering a bar. Forget a beer or glass of wine. Forget current events or religion, we believe in overkill here.

It's funny you should ask this -- clueless people who walk through a door and stop once they're through are among my biggest pet peeves! I'm a hard, cold commuter, and when space is at a premium, I'm like a human tetris piece.

When preggers, I was aware of my size and shape (it's kinda hard not to be, once you get to a certain point), and wasn't trying to make a big deal, or take my fair share of space by standing. I just had people *insist* that I take their seats on a regular basis. The offers were not gender-specific -- both men and women would ask. And being raised to be polite, and to not make a scene in public, would always refuse at first, saying, "Oh thank you, but I sit all day and would prefer to stand." If they stood up anyway, or otherwise pressed the point, I would take the seat, even though I didn't want to, just to keep the hubbub to a minimum. Occasionally, I would have someone laughingly apologize, while standing up, by saying, "I just can't in good conscience sit while a pregnant lady is standing up." If there were enough room on the train, we might ride standing up, side-by-side.

What just occurred to me, reading your post, is that maybe these sitters didn't like being eye-level with "the pod." Or maybe, being NYC in June/July, I wasn't smelling so good myself...

Can you deduce which it might have been?

it was probably a bit of both!!! LOL. i think most everyone on the nyc subway has a not so fresh feeling that time of year! ;)

i will say that i have been surprised ove the years at the number of people who suffer from some form of claustrophobia. (i think ny makes you that way if you weren't before) it could have something to do with that...

La Enceinte may wish to reconsider that invitation to the party at the bar. It may be the last such opportunity she has for a VERY LONG time!