Hairy – um…are you? I mean, you mentioned everything we all needed to know except one thing: are you an ape-woman? Can you braid your arm hair? Do you get a five O’Clock shadow on your thighs?
This question is partly rhetorical – I really don’t care that much, and it doesn’t change my answer. I’m just kinda curious.
As for your MOL – good luck. She’s not a problem, by the way, and neither is your body hair – he is, you’re just too young to know that. You are preparing to marry into it, too. If she comes after you with her BFG with your pubes in the crosshairs after you ignore these warning signs, it’s all on you. Sheesh.
Panic free – dude, you are nowhere near done cooking. Good to hear you’re doing better, but it sounds like you have effectively traded your panic attacks for a whole new Pandora’s box of issues. Not that that’s bad – maybe this “new” you handles these issues better than the old ones. Whatever.
Meanwhile, let’s pick you apart a bit:
1 – “She helped me get through my panic attacks and find a better doctor.” Uh huh. That’s a good start, even if it seems you need a caretaker more than water and air.
2 – “…my girlfriend has helped me with painting my condo, getting me a new wardrobe, furniture, etc.” So? This is newsworthy? What, she was supposed to wait in the car? Girlfriends do that…didn’t you know? Apparently not…
3 – “…I was so grateful to have any kind of female company…” Oh, hell. It’s over. That explains a lot.
4 – “I'm worried she's going to improve me to the point where I'll no longer want to be with her.” You should be worried. You may not have panic attacks any more, but you are a child in every other respect. Children are improved. Grown-ups improve themselves.
5 – “Would leaving her be reprehensible, or should I stay with her out of a sense of duty?” No on both counts: you should leave her alone and stay single to avoid becoming such a burden to your next victim.
Simply put: let her go her so both of you can get started growing up. Sorry to be snide, but I fear you just aren’t fully baked yet. Yours are questions for people with far, far less emotional headaches than you, and less emotionally uncooked people wouldn’t ask them in the first place. Here’s some cottage doctor talk now: Say buh-bye to girl. Go get a plant, any house plant. Keep it – and yourself – alive for a year. Once you can do that, go get a dog. Keep it and your self alive for one year. THEN consider dating, and date for – you got it – one year before you allow yourself to get truly “involved.” I have said this before: riding a bike, driving a car, performing brain surgery take years of practice…relationships are no different, and you are a total novice.
Frustrated with Flatulence – I see you met and married my ex-wife. Congratulations. Hell is near, be ready and very, very scared.
Meanwhile…what’s the problem again? Does this bother you? It sucks a lot that she held her habits close before the wedding – that’s nasty of her. But now you’re getting all grossed-out wringing your hands together and girly “ew” about it?
Sigh. Here and there all over the planet are these creatures known as “men”. You may have met one once. Some of them smell awful, scratch themselves, pick their noses, and perhaps have other habits involving pent-up internal gaseous matter which occasionally must be expelled via oral or rectal orifices. It’s gross, but hey: guys do that, and it’s not that bad from a distance, depending on their diet.
I will assume your wife does not possess male genitalia, so here’s my advice: go find one of those “men” I mentioned earlier and tell him “gee, my wife farts and belches a lot and it’s really icky.” He will slap the hell out of you. After, go home and tell your wife you are equally endowed, and you will henceforth freely expel whatever gas you have in response to her own emanations. This is called “fair play.” If she complains, shrug and fart.
No Domo Arigato – Girl, you have the gift and you’re just afraid to use it! In the dark, my ass! What a great opportunity! What are you thinking? The next time your companions say “Look at the *** on THIS babe! And check out her ***!!! Woof! I’d sure like to *** her *** for an afternoon!” Spin on your heels and invite him to do so immediately, right there, on the floor …loudly. In English. Make certain this occurs in VERY crowded conditions. Offer to translate for anyone who missed the show, and make certain he knows his boss is welcome to watch. Oh – you have a video recorder in your cell phone? YouTube it! Ah, the fun you could have…
