I wasn't very satisfied with Prudie's Answer to this question. I am in a similar situation and before now I thought I was alone. I have a new husband and he does have a daughter from a prior Marriage, I too feel the same way towards this little girl. The only unfortunate additions is that this little girl lives with us full time and I have a hard time hiding my resentments which results in me having to remove myself from the situation for periods of at a time. I have sought help from a professional and in my case at least there was nothing hormonal there was nothing chemically or physically wrong with me. I would hope that if prudie chose to publish this question that she would have a better answer for a serious issue

I feel sorry for your step-daughter! You are the adult start acting like one!! Kids are kids what's wrong is the little girl pretty like her mom and you aren't

If you didn't like the little girl, why did you marry her father? did you think he'd pick you over her? leave her out for wolves?

this is just another example of women thinking they can "change" men, except now children are suffering for it.

If you can't get over being jealous of a CHILD, you should do yourself and her a favor and leave.

So many times step parents take the fall mainly due to the fact that many bio parents have poor parenting skills. When the step children show up, the whole house is turned upside down. Rules fly out the window, boundaries don't exist, discipline is near non-existent. No wonder step parents get frustrated and resentful! It is hard living in a home where children run the show and you have little to no say in what goes on.

When bio parents step up and effectively and consistently parent their children, these issues fall away. I've been in this difficult situation in the past and while using the word hate seems strong, as this stepmother did in her letter to Prudie... I understand her frustration.

Unless people have been a step parent, most people don't understand the challenges involved. To Bad Lil Monkey, please visit the website: www.stepfamily.net. They offer a lot of encouragement, sage advice, and a safe place to vent.

I used to feel like this towards my Step-father. Your situation is very similar to mine. I used to hate my step-father because I felt like I was being replaced and ignored. Of course I made my step-father's life horible as best as to my ability. But one day something clicked. My mother and step-father are going to get married and there is nothing I could do about it. I did have two choices, I could act like a horrible person and try to make everyone misrable or I could be mature, and understand that my mother loves this man and it makes her happy to be with him. So, I ended up picking the second choice and opened up to him. It now happens to be that My Step-dad is a great and genuine person and we end up having a lot of fun together. AND the best thing is that in his eyes he really sees me as a daughter. I just hope for people in your situation will be able to have the power of being open to change. And besides, you don't want her making your life even more difficult when she's a teenager!

again, where is anyone suggesting there is a discipline question here? the woman declared she hated these two children. She never suggested that she liked them at first, or that after the baby arrived they became attention-seekers. don't you think that if that was the problem, that's what she would have asked about? "Prudie, my stepkids are intolerable, they don't respect me as an authority?"

She's a parent. She has a responsibility to act like an adult and not another spoiled child. if she couldn't do so, she should not have married someone who already had kids. plenty of guys out there don't!

Cristalita:

I did have two choices, I could act like a horrible person and try to make everyone misrable or I could be mature, and understand that my mother loves this man and it makes her happy to be with him. So, I ended up picking the second choice and opened up to him.

amen to you!

impressive that you as a child were far more mature than some parents, apparently.

If we could talk to this stepmother, I would bet sound money she would elaborate and mention that her home turns upside down as soon as her step children walk in the door. It is so common. She doesn't just feel this way for no reason. It isn't hormones. There are very sound reasons for this level of frustration. And from the sound of it, she's stifled her frustrations so her husband remains happy. She has basically put herself on the bottom of the totem pole, beneath her step children. Not wise. Adults should run the show, be consistent and effectively parent. If the adults do this, there will be very few issues with the children... step or bio.

Monkey, with all due respect, it's time to step up. From your response, there is no information about why you resent the girl, so I won't pretend to know any details. However, you must realize you're no longer responsible for only yourself, anymore. That child wakes up every day knowing her step-mother hates her, and probably has no idea why. She's going to grow up miserable and will most likely develop a whole slew of self-destructive behaviors and mindsets if you can't find a way to be civil to her. Your resentment may eventually harm the bond you have with your husband, and will absolutely harm your bond with the child. You don't have to instantly love her as your own child, but you are responsible for her now, so show her the same care you would your own child in her upbringing.

You and your husband are the adults, so it's up to both of you to make your marriage work in a way that brings emotional security and psychological safety to EVERYONE in the union. You're not a victim. However, the little girl may become one.

scarlet7:

she's stifled her frustrations so her husband remains happy. She has basically put herself on the bottom of the totem pole, beneath her step children.

or, she's stiffled herself so that he wouldn't know that she hated his kids and maybe think twice about marrying her, and she's putting her child above the step children on the totem pole...

Bad_lil_monkey_0181:

I wasn't very satisfied with Prudie's Answer to this question. I am in a similar situation and before now I thought I was alone. I have a new husband and he does have a daughter from a prior Marriage, I too feel the same way towards this little girl. The only unfortunate additions is that this little girl lives with us full time and I have a hard time hiding my resentments which results in me having to remove myself from the situation for periods of at a time. I have sought help from a professional and in my case at least there was nothing hormonal there was nothing chemically or physically wrong with me. I would hope that if prudie chose to publish this question that she would have a better answer for a serious issue

Of course you're not satisfied with Prudie's answer. I imagine like the LW you'd like to be told, "Hey, it's ok! Don't feel guilty for disliking an innocent child who didn't f***ing ASK to be in this situation! Listen, someone might try to tell you that you're a grown woman who could have had the decency to stay away from a single dad, while she's a little girl whose life has already been ripped apart and has now been handed a stepmother who hates her, and is being expected to grow up a home where she can't depend on basic affection and protection from her parents. But don't listen! Don't let them get you down! I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but YOU are the only person who matters here. If it feels good, do it! F*** the stepdaughter, who cares about how she feels!"

What's wrong with you? What other 'better answer for a serious issue' could Prudie possibly come up with?

Oh, I just thought of one: How about: Get your shit together and LEAVE this man and his child before you make their lives any more miserable.

Q, maybe so. Who knows? But I'm trying to show you a different viewpoint. You don't have to agree with it.

seriously, do people still watch Cinderella as kids? isn't every kid's nightmare that mommy and daddy will split up and they'll wind up with a wicked stepmother who makes them scrub floors while she dotes on her own children?

Guamania: your hostility is unnecessary and unproductive.

There was nothing in the original letter to Prudie suggesting that the child was a discipline problem. Indeed, the woman's clear admission that the problem didn't begin until after she became pregnant with a child of her own strongly suggests otherwise. But even if the child were a discipline problem, hating her for it is neither a rational nor an adult response. Anger with the husband and his ex-wife for not instilling and maintaining some discipline might make sense, but loathing the child for having the unmitigated gall to have not been properly raised is cruel and despicable.

Yes, there are challenges involved with being a step-parent. I have three step-daughters and can attest to that. But I never for a moment hated them, even at the most difficult of times, nor did I ever have the immaturity to suggest that a child who has not been taught what the limits are is responsible for not knowing what the limits are.

If you cannot bring yourself to love the children of a prospective spouse, you have no right to marry him (or her). A parent's first responsibility is always to the children in his (or her) life. It's a package deal. Tolerating them is not nearly enough. They need kindness, consideration and love as well as direction and guidance. If you can't provide them with all of that, you have a moral obligation to restrict yourself to childless prospects for your future spouse.

Get some help or get a divorce. These children should not have to become the casualties of your own selfishness and jealousy.