As a step-child who has experienced on more than one occasion explicit hostility from my step-mother, I certainly understand the position that it is unfair and mean spirited to reject a child simply because he or she is the product of a previous marriage of one's current spouse. However, I think the response to the woman this week was insensitive, uneducated, and uncalled for. From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, it is entirely within the realm of possibility that such animosity is "natural". That is, it is theorized that it is "natural" to feel angry about a parent's investment (of time, effort, affection) in children from another "mating" when one has younger children that are perceived to be more in need of that investment. A proper response would be to recognize this VERY common experience, to point out that first she should be aware of the situation and be careful not to harm the children in any way. Then, as in any situation of interpersonal conflict, open up a dialogue, spend more time with the other children and make an earnest effort to find positives in the other person. Perhaps find a project that they can cooperate on together. As in my own family, this has helped relationships considerably, and the animosity has dwindled.

As the previous step child to an openly-hostile (while other grown-ups were not around) step mother and now a mother myself, I found the response appropriate, but more tame than I would have been. I do not agree that hateful, hostile feelings or behavior directed towards CHILDREN is common among normal step mothers and should NEVER be thought of as such. Anyone who thinks that a grown woman who states that she HATES her step children is expressing anything close to normal or common is a complete idiot. The thoughts and feelings she was expressing were full of hostility, hatefulness, and completely out of line. Any behavior that results from that type of thinking is likely to result in some sort of abuse. The children's father needs to wake up, the children's mother needs to suspend visitation until the step mother can get her "stuff" together, and the step mother needs to get immediate, professional help before she ruins Christmas for those kids, or worse, ruins their self esteem.

MUCH better advice than Prudie's. As someone that has been/is in the shoes that this woman is in, I can speak from experience. My boyfriend of 4.5 years has two kids from a previous relationship. I resented them for a loooooong time. And I still have thoughts pop into my head every now and then that embarass me. I'm working day by day to not see them as the accidental pregancies they were, but as people that I have the ability to have a positive influence on. The more I neglect his daughter, the better the chance that she'll end up like her mother: a pregnant teen. So yeah....I feel bad about feeling that way about his kids, but it's extremely common and many many people struggle with accepting another person's kids into their life. This lady isn't a storybook villian.

Natural or not, this woman needs to seriously reconsider her reason behind her marriage. When she married that man she committed herself to those children also. As a stepchild myself and a mother of two children (yes, different fathers) I have seen and felt how devastating it is for a child to feel he is not loved as much as the other child, or even worse, has been replaced by the new child or chidren. When my ex and I split up, he quit seeing my son, whom had grown up calling him "daddy". My son now is thoroughly convinced his "dad" replaced him with his new sister as the ex picks his daughter up, buys her things, ect. The effects on my son's emotions, trust, and self-esteem have been heart-wrenching to watch. To excuse this woman for stating that she hates ANY CHILD, particularly her own step-children is ridiculous. I cannot imagine saying I hate any child for any reason. I hope this woman gets help too, hopefully before the older children are traumatized for life by her negative feelings for them.

I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to work on your relationship with your step-children. This seems to be a much more healthy reaction than "hating" a child or "dreading seeing them". At least you recognize your feelings for what they actually are and don't turn your resentments into a delusion that the children themselves are horrible people. I have struggled with my relationship with my step-mother my entire life. This is both of our doing. Your posting helped me to better understand why she has the feelings she has towards my biological sisters and myself. Thank you.

The previous posting was in response to Megn's posting. Thank you.

ldf1316:

As the previous step child to an openly-hostile (while other grown-ups were not around) step mother and now a mother myself, I found the response appropriate, but more tame than I would have been. I do not agree that hateful, hostile feelings or behavior directed towards CHILDREN is common among normal step mothers and should NEVER be thought of as such. Anyone who thinks that a grown woman who states that she HATES her step children is expressing anything close to normal or common is a complete idiot. The thoughts and feelings she was expressing were full of hostility, hatefulness, and completely out of line. Any behavior that results from that type of thinking is likely to result in some sort of abuse. The children's father needs to wake up, the children's mother needs to suspend visitation until the step mother can get her "stuff" together, and the step mother needs to get immediate, professional help before she ruins Christmas for those kids, or worse, ruins their self esteem.

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN.

My thoughts EXACTLY, although much better articulated that I could do.

It's clear to me, by seeing the thinking behind that woman's words and the utter lack of any feelings for the kids whatsoever, that she has no business being anywhere near children, including the one she squeezed out herself. The eternal mystery of this week's column is--why on EARTH did she marry him in the first place when she didn't want to parent his kids? Is she really so completely narcissistic to have NEVER thought, "Well, I really like him a lot, and I guess I could try to pretend to not loathe the kids, but on the other hand maybe they deserve a stepmother who's not going to make their lives a living hell, after the trauma of the divorce they've already been through...hmm."

I respect the people who are honest about their self-centeredness and so stay away from parenting; the ones who scare me are the ones who don't ever realize that they're selfish assholes who couldn't care less about anything but their own feelings and go ahead and commit to having kids anyway.

I don't care what other posters think, with their weak, "Well maybe the kids are awful and therefore deserve to be detested..." crap. If the kids are acting out and being difficult, A) they have every reason to be, what with their parents blowing their family up, and B) responsible, caring natural or stepparents will address those issues to help the KIDS cope. Self-absorbed stepmothers notwithstanding, kids don't act out because they are evil and destructive--they act out because they've been damaged on the inside and they have a RIGHT to parents who will help them heal. If SM had no interest in that, she should have done them all a favor and stayed the hell out of their lives. To have your parent hate you so much that they can't stand the sound of your name--that's breaks my heart. It's sickening to me that this woman is so cruel that she doesn't even care how much these kids have already been hurt, and doesn't even seem to be thinking twice about putting them through hell AGAIN.

And why wasn't protecting his children from further harm the highest priority of the father? He should have seen through this woman long ago and sent her packing.

It's perfectly natural for yougn children to strip off their clothing and run naked in public. It's perfectly natural for young boys to pee on whatever is handy. It's perfectly natural for teenaged kids to treat new step-mothers rudely, especially if Dad left Mom for the new step-mother.

Is any of this acceptable? Of course not!

If the woman "naturally" felt animosity toward the kids after she took up with their Dad, before she got knocked-up and married him, she should not have married him. Even if she were already pregnant, she still had several options, including raising the child alone, with assistance from his court-ordered child support.

I don't feel for her in the least.

From the perspective of another step-child who was resented, those poor children know they are not wanted. Perhaps that is why they act out (if they do so).

I have no patience for this woman's feelings towards her 'steps'. I'm sorry, but did she not realize he had children BEFORE she married him? How long did they date? Whatever possessed her to get in to a relationship with a man with children? Did she never have any frustration or resentment towards the kids while they were dating? Before she had a child with him? And yet she is going to blame the children for her poor decisions.

I feel sorry for both the husband and all of the children involved. Those poor kids are already at a disadvantage by being a part of a broken home; they don't need the added loss and confusion that comes with rejection.

Perhaps it is natural or hormonal, but she made a choice to accept this man exactly how he is, and his children. I think far too many women are so desperate to be 'in love' that they check their brains at the door when they are in a relationship. I realize this is harsh, but this is so unfair to these children. We live in such a selfish society. Not to mention, the husband helped to raise the first set of kids; why does she think her child will turn out differently?

what is the deal here, all of the people who are basically saying "it's not fair, when these other kids show up our lives get turned around and they are bad kids blah blah blah" there is only one basic point to remember here; you knew the person you married had kids therefore deep down you HAD to know that at one point there may come a time when these kids would visit or possibly end up living with you. Try not to forget that at one point you people knew this yet because you chose to burry it deep in your mind and attempt to believe that nothing could ever come between your perfect relationship with your husband/wife. Now because some sort of event occured that is bringing a part of your spouses past life into your new life you are acting like a spoiled, selfish, calloused and most of all, unpassionate human being. Take a look outside yourself and your glass house. How do you think these kids felt when your "really great" spouse split up with their previous mate and left these kids twisting in the wind. Infact as an adult you should have EXPECTED some kind of retaliation from these kids. At one point your spouse thought the same of their previous partner that they think of you..........what makes you think your kid won't end up in the same spot you are thrusting upon these kids? What if you die and your spouse marries another? Do you want that lady to hate your kid because it was from a prevoius marraige? Even better, what if (and it probably well as statistics show) you get divorced from this spouse......when your kid visits your husband do you want the new mom hating them? It would only be fair right? as that is how you are. I wish all of your children the best to come but unfortunately that is largely dependent upon how you people react as parents.

I personally think something is wrong with an adult who deliberatly tries to put a wedge between a parent and their childrens. I think the mentality of such a person is way below the maturity level of a child. Adults should be there to guide children through the difficult times such as divorce. I think this woman is an immature nut job that is going to further hurt those children emotionally. I pray that the father does not let someone like this woman cause him to pull away from his children or the children to pull away from their father. The children are innocent in this adult mess. This woman needs to grow up and be a trusted adult to these children.

I am in disbelief at the number of people who have defended this step-mom from...well, you know. When did it become acceptable to hate another human being? When did it become okay to hate defenseless child? For a moment please think back to your own childhood and imagine (or remember) how it would feel to be hated for your very existence. I think the response was generous. When an adult chooses to behave like a monster they deserve to get ripped by an expert.

It's not a matter of defending her, it's a matter of approaching a solution from a more constructive standpoint. Acknowledging negative feelings and moving past them is a step in the process. This is a matter of a clinical psychopathology. I'm not denying that hating one's stepchildren is a serious problem, and that in many many cases it leads to emotional, developmental and physical abuse. But imagine if every therapist treating someone with a problem such as this lashed out and told their client that they were evil and didn't deserve to be in their marriage. I fully understand the anger and disbelief at the situation. Believe me, more often than not I wanted my father to leave my stepmother for how she treated me and my siblings. No, it's not okay to hate children in any capacity. Yes, it's something to consider before the marriage (although sometimes actually being married changes the color of these situations considerably). But it's too late for that, and castigation and demonizing is not a solution. An "expert" should know better. An "expert" would never "rip" on a client.

As a step parent, I have experienced many of the same feelings in the past. I had a son with my first husband. He was about four when I met my current husband. He was raising his three daughters from his first marriage, alone. At the time, I didn't realize what I was getting into. Within the first year, I was pregnant with our own son. I had a natural love for my son and my son on the way. However, I felt alot of animosity towards my stepdaughters. I dont really know where it came from, but knowing that we were a "blended family", I felt like I had to be equal in my dealing with everyone. At times, I didn't show all of my affection to my natural son, because when I did , my stepdaughters wanted the same affection. That was something I wanted to aviod. Looking back, perhaps I was too young and selfish, to be in the relationship that I was in. It's not the fault of the children that their parents divorced. They are only kids. I will say, normal persons, have a love for their chldren that is unequal to anything else. However, it's hard to love someone else's child. Especially in a new relationship where people are feeling like this is the beginning of the rest of their lives and here stands this extra baggage. But what I came to realize was these chidren, were just that, and they were very messed up about the divorce.they came to depend on me, because I was the constant mother figure intheir live.It has been eleven years since that relationship began, and I love those girls as much as my biological children. The lady who originally posted needs to realize that these children that she dispises, are as much a part of her husbands life and being, as she and their new child are. She needs to try to share that love with him and the children. Realize that they are only children and give them a chance. I'm sure if you try, you will love them as much as they will love you. Keep in mind, IT'S HARD TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD, BUT REMEMBER ALSO, THAT CHILD THAT YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD NOT TO LOVE, MAY ALREADY LOVE YOU AND WANT ONLY YOUR LOVE IN RETURN. THAT'S REALLY NOT A HARD THING TO GIVE IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND JUST GIVE THE CHANCE.

I agree that this woman isn't a story book villian , however, she has a long road in front of her. It's hard to love someone else's child. From first hand experience, I married a wonderful man who was raising his three daughters by himself. Their mother really didn't have any part of their lives at this point. I knew he had these children, however once we were married and lived together, it was a little different. I was then there everyday and every moment to experience every aspect of live with these children. At the time, I felt a great deal of animosity towards them. I don't think I ever hated them. I just wasn't very fond of them. It took alot of struggle within myself to realize that the struggle wasn't with them, but with the fact that I had no idea what going from one child from my first marriage, to having all of a sudden four children, would be like. Especially, three little girls that really had no contact with their own mother, and clung to me like I don't know what. All they wanted was my love and it took me some time to come to grips with this. Shortly after we married, I was pregnant with a child, and I really had to take a step back, and think about my life, what all was involved in my life at this point and decide whether or not it was really what I wanted. When my second husband and I married, His oldest daughter was nine. Now she is going on twenty one. I love all three girls, my son from my first marriage and our son together as if they were ALL my very own. Like I said, it's hard to love someone else's child, but if you don't give it a chance, you'll never know. Kids have a lot of love to offer, and all they want in return is love back. With blended families, it doesn't always start off on the best foot, but give alot and see what you will gain in return. When I talk to people about my children, they ask how many kids I have. I have five wonderful children, all of whom I love very much. If this lady loves her husband, she will come to realize that his children are just as important to him as she is. Don't judge her too soon. Give her the chance that we all hope she will give those children. Blended families can be hard and it does take time. Hopefully, she will come around.She has expressed her feelings, now let her come to grips with the reality and deal with it. She has taken the first step. She has asked someone for help. She can't be a totally lost cause. Show her some support and help her through this. I'm sure in the long run, it will pay off and she will come to love those children that she is very unsure of right now. By the way, I have read alot of reader feedback, and I will tell you straight up, even when I was trying to deal with the animosity that I felt towards my stepchildren, I never once abused them in any way. Just having these feelings doesn't mean that you will abuse. there is a certain type of person that abuses. And just because someone doesn't automatically love someone else's chldren, doesn't mean that they will abuse them in any way, shape or form.