I was just sitting on my couch popping antacids and chasing them with oj while petting the softest cat in the world. The baby was passed out from all the O'Doul's I put in her bottle so I had a little peace and quiet. I noticed a fly execute a perfect triple-lutz before landing on the ceiling, and I reached for the fly swatter. It wasn't where I had left it because my mentally retarded dog was in the corner rubbing his gums against it. I decided not to try and take it from him because he had those crazy eyes again.

I turned on the tv to watch a little Wheel of Fortune, but since it was all male contestants I knew there was no point. Instead, I decided to write the Slate Explainer and see if he could help me figure out a thing or two. Life's complicated, you know? I'll do my SWAT team work-out later.

Brilliant post, Lawing.

But as a chronic Rolaids abuser... I'd really like to know the answer to the OJ/antacid question. :p

Although I voted for the fly/ceiling question because that's common sense thinking outside of the box... and actually an interesting question!

I thought the craziest one was the diethalene question... but hope the Slate doesn't answer that one for fear of a rash of deaths in Americas bar going community.

Lawing,

Thank you for your awesome post! I was having a bad day and was so angry I, myself, was getting crazy eyes and was going to start to destroy my house. Thank goodness you made me laugh. Although, now I can't stop and it's making my cat (the real softest cat in the world) look at me with her own crazy eyes. My cat's name is "Pan". I named her Pan even though we're from Kansas because the states of Oklahoma and Texas have panhandles. I thought about naming her Boot after Louisiana, but lots of cats are named Boots and that's too similar to Boot and being the softest cat in the world and all, I figured she needed a special name. Square was another thought, after Colorado, but I don't think it's a perfect square, plus there's all the confusion over those 5001 foot high mountains there (makes driving down a rock road hell) so I settled on Pan. Anyway, I gotta run. I have to find my spacesuit so I can go play basketball on Jupiter before it somehow leaves the galaxy. Best wishes and thanks for making my night!

Please forgive any typing errors as I just died laughing and it is hard to type in the incorporeal state.

Too funny. I tip my cyber hat to you, Mr. or Ms. Lawing. :)

Holy mother of God. You may just be the funniest person on the planet. Good Work. hahaha