Dear Rudy,
A co-worker of mine remarks on my perfume when he stops by my office, but in a creepy way: "I could just stand here & smell you all day," "Your smell is what gets me through the day" etc. Is he like a stalker or something? I don't want to look back and say to myself, "The warning signs were all there!" after something nasty happens.
— “The Sick Scents”
Dear “Dog Smell Afternoon”,
Oh geez . . . now we can’t even compliment a gal on smelling nice? Give me a frickin’ break, lady! I suppose this is one of those lose/lose situations where if he came in and said “Phew . . . when did you last bathe?” you’d be having a fit also, right? Look lady, there’s no law against a compliment, as long as it doesn’t get graphic (i.e., “I really like the way your XXXX looks/smells”). Your major malfunction is that you don’t find Mr. Compliment in the zone as suitable boyfriend material. I guarantee that if he looked like Brad Pitt - and smelled like a million dollars himself - you wouldn’t be writing this letter. Either stop your whining, or stop showering in Chanel every morning, eh?
- Rudy, who reminds all his lady readers that the main ingredient most perfumes is the scraping from the anal scent glands of a captive civet cat. For real . . . google it.
Dear Rudy,
I've been happily married to my wife for 10 years, and she’s usually an easygoing lady. But whenever she’s on the rag she gets all weepy over nothing, and has even become physically violent. So is she crazy, or what?
— “The Red Mile”
Dear “In Cold Blood”,
In a word “Yes” . .. but all dames are nuts. Are you from another planet or something? That’s why no woman has ever been president of nukeular power. Do you want someone with THOSE raging hormones launching world war 3? In tribal societies they would lock their wives away in a special hut during their periods, and not let them out for a week. Allegedly this is because they were “unclean”, but you and I both know that they’re not too unclean to keep us from wanting to do the mattress mambo (just put a towel down), so the real reason for the lockup was because nobody can stand to be around them, personality wise, that time of the month. Its modern times now we can’t isolate them in the women’s hut any more, but this is why guys-only events such as bowling night, golf, hockey games, and such were invented. And be aware . . . she doesn’t want you at home during her period any more than you want to be there. So take off, and you’ll be doing both of you a favor.
—Rudy, who finds that most women WILL let you in the front porch when it’s being painted, as the back door is an even greater annoyance
Dear Rudy,
This is my first job out of college. There are only 2 other women here, & they're the top executives. I idolize them for their intelligence, ambition, and style, and felt I was regarded as their protégée. But a few days ago I overheard them making fun of the way I dress. Now I can't sleep at night because I'm worried about what to wear the next day. What should I do?.
— “The Day the Office Stood Still”
Dear “Dawnie Dorko”,
You admire your lady bosses for their intelligence and ambition? And you’re worried about dressing to please THEM instead of your boyfriend? This sounds like the intro to an all girl porn movie where they “teach you a lesson”. But let’s assume you’re straight and this letter isn’t a joke. You should be dressing to please your boyfriend, not a couple of loser dames who care more about their jobs than their husbands. Start shopping at Victoria’s Secret rather than Target, why doncha? I guarantee you’ll get a lot more action when you come home, and make those uptight broads at the office really green with envy. If you’ve got it, show it baby.
— Rudy, who feels that a lady should dress like a lady at all times . . . and show enough skin to prove she’s a great looking one, too.
Dear Rudy,
I just finished my 1st year at a college for smart rich kids. However, I’ve somehow gotten a rep as a silly party girl who doesn't take anything seriously, simply because of my sense of humor. How can I let my friends know that their comments are hurtful? Should I be worried about my reputation?
— “The Grades of Wrath”
Dear “The Lying Queen”,
Its been a few years since the ol’ Rude-man was in college, but as I recall, it was things like extreme drinking games and pulling a train on the frat room floor that gets a girl the kind or reputation you have. But let’s assume that your reputation is underseverd – that you’re not a total slut and this is all a big misunderstanding. Seriously, if you don’t know why so many people are laughing at you, then you aren’t smart enough to be running your own life, no matter what your SAT score was, babe. My advice is to latch onto a college boyfriend a few years older than you, and let him teach you the ropes. Remember, you don’t know squat, so you simply have knuckle down and say yes and do what he says. I guarantee you’ll wake up each morning with a smile on your face if you follow this advice, and he’ll beat up anybody who starts rumors about you.
- Rudy, who reminds all the college kids who think they’re smart that 100 years ago, to get a high school diploma, you had to do things like memorize all the state capitals, understand the difference between a cosine and a sine, and where to place the apostrophe on possessive plural nouns. You kids today don’t know squat.
