Ha..it was pretty cool to see my letter posted on Dear Prudence. She might have a point in that if I remain sober, my reputation will change, although I was surprised that she immediately assumed I drink "excessively." I was also a little disappointed in her response, because I was looking for advice on confronting my friends, not my drinking habits. I also enjoyed (and will continue to enjoy) reading the fraysters' opinions.

I think I should note, though, that my letter to Prudence was phrased "I got to experience what it was like to be known as a brainiac..." and her editors removed "known as". There's a big difference (as a previous frayster noted) between being known as a brainiac and actually being one. If I am a brainiac at all it certainly hasn't changed since coming to college. The reputation has...but I don't miss being known as one. Anyway, just wanted to clarify.

Thanks for all your comments- Prudie's advice was less than helpful, but what y'all have to say is doing more to make me think.

She has a habit of overlooking the question asked, to go off on her own tangents.

I, too, was known as a brainiac in high school, to the point where people I run into years later recall me as "Weren't you real smart and hung out with that redhead?" (Not that I ceased being smart, but that's another matter.) When people called me "flippant" (essentially the same as flaky), I just told them that life is more than just study, and that I wanted to enjoy school and remember it as more than a series of lectures and tests.

As long as you aren't risking your future by blowing off classes, abusing alcohol etc., and engaging in other risky behavior like unprotected sex or riding with drunk drivers, don't worry about it. If you are living dangerously, and not just freely, you need to re-evaluate your priorities, and see which behaviors interfere with your long-term goals.

although I was surprised that she immediately assumed I drink "excessively." I was also a little disappointed in her response, because I was looking for advice on confronting my friends, not my drinking habits. I also enjoyed (and will continue to enjoy) reading the fraysters' opinions.

Don't be surprised. Prudie often makes mountanous assumptions, and even more often completely misses clearly outlined points and goes off in completely irrelevant directions.

You remind me of me in college, almost to the letter. Nothing wrong with drinking and so on, but try to figure out where the critics are really coming from. Is it that you act silly when you drink? Screw em then. If it's something else, now that might be useful information. Pick your most accessible (read blabbermouth drama queen) friends and ask them about it. "Look I know you guys joke about this, but it hurts my feelings. What really what started it?" As long as you avoid being defensive you'll at least get some idea of what you need to know. A talkative friend will not only tell you everything they say about you in flaming detail, but will go back to them and report that they have hurt you and you are despondent over their cruelty and shame on them, etc. You'll know what you need to look out for in your own behavior, or, you'll know that your friends are so focussed on reinforcing their prejudice that they're missing the big picture. Then, fully armed, you can either tell them to go eff themselves when they tease you, or just shrug and say "so what!" And then attack something they're overly sensitive about.

Do they criticize or label each other in the same way they do you? Maybe you would be better off ignoring the comment in that case, although it's hard to build a tougher skin.

Alternately, you could play up the dingbat image for laughs.

Hi Not_Stupid,

Hope you stick around! My college experience was also similar to yours. And I find it ridiculous that Prudie took such a giant step in comparing you with Lindsay Lohan. Her advice to you was flippant. I say be yourself and you will find other brilliant people who know how to have a good time. You will only get bored hanging out with those boors.

If you want a professional, nail on the head, good advice, write Dear Abby

If you want a snarky, out of touch, unrealistic advice, write to Dear Prudie

Those of us who've been in NS's shoes seem pretty understanding of her position. Wonder if Prudie was one of the snarky judgmental cliques in college that NS is talking about in the first place? Sure sounds like sour grapes to me.

you wrote to prudie for advice, then dissed it.

anyone who has a reputation as a "party girl" and can't figure out how she got it isn't as smart as she thinks she is.

in fact, i don't think there's a "smart" college freshman anywhere in america, so you'd be the first.

take my advice honey . . . in 10 years you'll realize you didn't know squat at age 18.

Well, it was crappy advice. Sorry.

Anyone who reads my letter and thinks I was writing in for an explanation of my reputation is an idiot. I was asking for advice on confronting my friends about their comments, nothing more, nothing less.

You seem to be threatened by my assertion that my peers and I are intelligent. A barrel of issues in its own right, but also irrelevant.

And, I realize I have a lot to learn. One of reason for writing to Prudy and reading the Fray.

Heh, well answered, not_stupid.

In my experience, most people spend freshmen year figuring out how they match up with everyone else. A lot of chest-beating, a lot of snarky comments. Sophomore year, when all the dorm buddies are spread across campus, the workload increases, is when you'll have a better shot at sorting out the college friends you want to keep around for a while. They're the ones who take time out of their schedules to stop by with the strong drink and give you a good laugh.

In the meantime as long as you're keeping a good balance between fun and work, try to ignore the little biting comments that come your way. Your current acquaintances will either grow up, drop it, and become real friends, or just become the people you say Hi to while passing them on the way to class.

...and my apologies if it was already mentioned elsewhere.

The most dangerous years for most undergraduates is the first year of college. The most difficult is often the second.

In your first year, most of your friendships tend to form accidentally. Roommates or dormmates are assigned at the start of the year. Core curriculum classes expose you to the same faces time and again. Because the first year is such a period of transition, many of these relationships feel like life-rafts. But because they're based on proximity (they happen to be there) rather than affinity (they happen to be the kinds of friends you naturally make), the bonds can be weaker than they seem. Some of your first-year friendships are more like flotsam than life rafts- they can save your life, but they can't support you for long. Especially if they involve a strong element of putting you down or taking your presence for granted.

As you enter the second year, I'd strongly recommend seeking out new friends and new social environments. If your old friends worry that you're losing touch, you can always tell them you're trying to make contact with your "inner flake." Some of them will get upset, and might even cut you off. If they do, it's a sign that the relationship was one of convenience, rather than a genuine bond. The friends that matter (the one's you'll still be in touch with ten years from now) will be willing to adapt - if they don't like the party scene, they'll gladly settle for lunch dates on the quad. These are the friendships that can last, because they allow enough space for you to live independent lives, while giving you a source of constancy in an ever-changing world.

The trick you'll face is negotiating the terms of mutual relationships. To do it well, you have to be open to accepting your friends on their own terms and insistent upon pursuing your interests on your own terms.

Prudie's advice is probably right - drinking less is usually a good idea. I'm not a poster child on that score, but I can share from experience that building a high alcohol tolerance is a waste of money. Space your drinking nights out, and go on "sobriety splurges" when you find yourself drinking without getting drunk. And I'm old enough to feel an obligation to say "be careful."

Hey, not_stupid,

Unlike the Prude and a few others around here, I'm going to cut straight to the chase of your letter:

I've maintained a standard of excellence in my academics and extracurricular activities, but try to let my personality speak more loudly than my résumé. How can I let my friends know that their comments are hurtful? Should I be worried about my reputation? If so, how can I repair it without coming off as a braggart or a bore?

I am going to assume that the first part of this is true. That's not totally taken on faith because your letter and the comments you have made here show you seem to be a bit more together than the average freshman I have dealt with over the past 30 years of working on a college campus. (If that statement is NOT true, if you have not maintained high standards both in and out of the classroom, then I'd do some serious reevaluating if I were you).

First the friends: Are you SURE they really are friends? If they can't accept you as you are, then maybe it's time for some new ones who can. While developing friendships in college is important, it is far from the most important thing. Even though it was eons ago, I still remember that "freshman corridor". Dorms were still single-gender back then. Most of the girls on my floor were catty and way too willing to peck at those they felt didn't measure up to THEIR standards. Not too many of them made it through college (and, yes, while the place wasn't an MIT, it had more than it's share of brainiacks with 1 in 4 women being valedictorians of their high school class - guys weren't quite so "smart"). So, evaluate them individually as "friends". Figure out which are truly of value, then talk to them about how their behavior (often this kind of thing is a "pack" behavior. The ring leader does it, then the rest follow along so as not to be left out) bothers you and ask them to stop. The true friends will. The rest aren't worth devaluing the term "friend" on.

Second, the reputation: Are you looking at short-term reputation or long-term? The long-term one IS going to hinge on that resume and your transcripts, NOT what your "friends" say about you. So, keep up the grades, assume leadership roles in the clubs/organizations you are involved with, get in some community service, and keep track of it all so that when that long-term reputation IS the key one, you don't forget about things like that weekend you spent cleaning up a neighborhood park the beginning of your sophomore year.

The short-term reputation goes back to picking the right friends now. Get rid of the fluff. Develop the good ones even more. Get out and meet new people through those extracurricular activities, ones that you will have more of a connection with than just living on the same floor or eating in the same dining hall.

As to the drinking, you do it to have fun, right? Well, if you truly are having fun while you are drinking, you'll want to remember that fun down the road. As long as you are drinking only to the point that you can remember the fun you had, and can laugh about it the next day or a few weeks later, you're probably not drinking too much. I always feel sorry for my students who come in on Monday bragging about the great weekend they had but can't remember a thing because they got so drunk. When the same student tells me that more than a few times, they get the "maybe you shouldn't be drinking so much" lecture. If you can't remember what you did, find somebody on your campus willing to give you that lecture when you need it.

Dear "Not Stupid"

I think the big question here is how old are you? If you are a college freshman you are most likely under 21- the legal drinking age. Though you may enjoy a strong drink, you are not able to do so legally yet. I don't know where you're getting the booze, whether you've made a fake ID or acquired it through older classmates (in which case I suggest you question their motives), but both of those scenarios are certainly stupid and against the law. Your brain and body are not quite fully developed and heavy drinking or binge drinking now may stunt their natural progress. Prudie was not assuming you're a lush, but to hear that you've abandoned bookish-ness for a party-girl personality is disheartening. Girls need more role models that are bookish and smart, and although you feel you might need to stand out in a school full of preps there are many other ways of doing it than partying (see Legally Bonde for lack of a better example). And by the way, "flaky" means to change one's mind or forget things frequently, it has nothing to do with intelligence, many geniuses are "flaky", its just most people prefer to refer to them as "eccentric". And shame on the rest of the Fray for condoning and encouraging underage drinking. Alcohol is responsible for far too many young people's deaths. the drinking pattern you start now may remain with you the rest of your life. What was Prudie supposed to say? "Please continue to drink illegally and forget about the party-pooping nerds! Your friends may very well simply respect the fact that their parents are paying a great deal of money for them to go to school and don't see that as an appropriate party venue. I personally partied a lot before college, found it to be not all it was cracked up to be, and gave it up. I lost no friends because of it. I will be paying off my student loans for the next 20 years most likely, and saw college as a place to LEARN. If you are lucky enough to have a free ride, please do not take it for granted. As for enjoying a good laugh, please continue to do so. It is the healtiest thing in life.