So Prudie, where do come by your unique approach to conflict management and social education?

All right, the guy broadcasting his olfactory arousal may constitute harassment. But isn't there an important distinction between harassment born of cluelessness, and harassment employed to demean or dominate?

"...look up and say coolly, 'I'd appreciate it if you'd immediately stop making such personal remarks.'"

What you counseled is likely to make this guy defensive, and more likely to motivate him to respond in an obnoxious manner than to resolve the problem. What this woman could do instead is make the implicit explicit; "It makes me uncomfortable when you make comments like that." The resulting, hopefully friendly and open discussion could provide this guy with some much-needed guidance about social propriety (at the least, it'd provide her with more helpful ammunition to take to HR than what she's currently got). What you counseled may encourage him to continue disowning his behavior in a flurry of defensive disavowal.

We do live in a sexist society, and its important to both recognize and address sexist behavior when it occurs. But part of what perpetuates sexism is a form of willful obtuseness your advice is more likely to reinforce than mitigate. Worse, depending on the social climate in this person's workplace, you might have just advised her to behave in a manner that could well get her branded in an unflattering and unhelpful way by the sexist office buddies of her sexist colleague.

The worst case scenario is she takes your advice, which results in a defensive escalation in their interaction, she complains to Human Resources and the HR officer says,"Why would you consider that harassment? Its just a compliment." Lots of people will collude in the service of maintaining disavowal of covert sexuality: men, women, HR officers, etc. The solution to that is to convey the impact of someone's behavior in a manner that person is unlikely to be able to ignore, or deny - to make explicit the implicit aspect of the communication.

She ought to give the guy an "out" that allows him to acknowledge what he's doing and allows him to save face. Shaming him (no matter how warranted you feel it might be) is unlikely to result in any favorable outcome for anyone involved. And if he doesn't respond well? Then she goes to HR after having made a friendly, pro-social kind've attempt to resolve this on her own.

The woman should just scrub down and go to work with no cosmetic smell for one (perhaps a few day(s).

If our socially awkward guy still makes the remarks about being attracted to her fragrance then there is clearly a problem.

Perhaps the girl just reeks and he is the one attempting, clumsily, to change the office atmosphere.

They are co-workers. Presumably, they are equals, peers. It's not her fault if he is socially inept. Most people who are socially inept know they are, and telling them to stop is in itself a teaching experience.

Not that I don't feel for the guy. My son is autistic, and doesn't always pick up on social clues. If a girl told him 12 times she was "busy", he wouldn't know to stop asking, unless she or someone else actually said to him, she's not interested. Leave her alone.

Telling a guy like that it makes you uncomfortable in a namby-pamby way only tells him that THIS person doesn't like it, but it's okay with everyone else. If he doesn't understand WHY she'd "appreciate it if he stopped", he at least has enough information to ask her or someone he trusts what the problem is.

If telling someone to stop makes them only do it more, they are NOT "socially awkward", inept, or unaware. They are bulls in china shops, looking to force their way on other, and deserve to have her manager or HR get involved, before he gets physically aggressive.

And it doesn't matter whether the HR manager would "consider it a compliment." If it bothers her, and she asked him to stop, he should stop. The rule of thumb is, would he say that to someone other than her, particularly a male? If not, he shouldn't say it to her, at least not at work.

Well, I work for a state organization, so maybe everything is overdone there, but withint two months of employment we all have to go through sexual harrassment awareness training. The law in my state at least says that you are obligated to explain to the person that what they are doing makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask them to stop. Then document that you did that (you can do it with a memo to self if you want).

If you want to underline your point, you'll ask them to stop via email.

Anyway, it's only sexual harrassment if they don't stop after you have asked them to. As part of the training, we had to practice situations where people might do things by accident or on purpose. Anyway, it was all kind of annoying to go through that training, but one thing I did take away from it is that there is a way to let people know things like this both firmly and dispassionately. No need for drama, no need to get overly terse. And it's good to start with something that acknowledges that the offender probably does not realize what he/she is doing makes you feel uncomfortable, as you KNOW that they'd never want to do that.....

It doesn't sound from the letter, as if this woman has indicated in any way how she feels about what her coworker says. It does sound like the LW is a tad paranoid. Normal people find a humorous way to deflect the guy's attentions; if that doesn't work, they become a little more blunt.

I've seen people half jokingly say, "sexual harrassment!" or "AWKwarrrrd!" in response to overly personal comments. I've used the "I'll be sure to tell my husband you think so!" line. I suppose a dry response might work if he doesn't take the hint the first five times or so.

Clearly the LW herself has some need of socialization skills. But I agree with you, snapping the guy's head off isn't one of em.

A little more subtle than "I'll be sure to tell my husband you think so!" is "Thanks, My husband/boyfriend/significant other got if for me", if the idea may be that he isn't aware if that person, rather soundling like the husband is some goon that will come and beat him up.

The law in my state at least says that you are obligated to explain to the person that what they are doing makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask them to stop.

Lol, commonly known as "The first grope is FREE" rule, which became popular during the Clinton administration. A friend of mine's wife (jokingly) uses that excuse, usually after doing something mildly perverted (We all three work in different areas in the same institution).

My company figures if you wouldn't do or say that to someone else, especially someone of a different gender/race/whatever than the person you are offending, then it's harassment even without the warning. You are reprimanded, and your next one may get you out.

For example, asking someone out to a movie, no problem unless they tell you not to. Grabbing their tush, big problem.

God, you're obtuse. Are you doing it deliberately, or are you really that clueless?

My point - delivery matters. We all have a responsibility to socialize each other, but that responsibility is particularly obvious in a workplace, where there is a clear, mutual benefit derived from positive, productive relationships.

I was just kidding, btw, and I agree with your "rule of thumb" [note: use of phrase in context of this conversation is really funny - do you know the provenance?]. Maybe this guideline is something our would-be Don Juan would benefit from hearing.

"Most people who are socially inept know they are..."

I'd rethink that statement - seems almost self-contradictory, in addition to being demonstrably mistaken.

Her response turns this more into a power thing, and less into a "gosh, I know you care enough about me to care how this makes me feel" kind've interaction. People respond in-kind. Prudie's advice was terrible.

All that said, of course, he may be a creep, and it may eventually be necessary to treat him as such. Seems "prudent" to allow him another option, though, hopefully saving both of them a little unnecessary drama in hurt feelings.

Hi Iso! Gotta run - more later, maybe. Hope things are going well with you.

Hadn't thought about the thumb ...

Actually, I stand by the statement. They know they are missing something in general, they just don't know what it is, or how to figure it out. Some respond by going around in a state of heightened worry, looking for clues which still manage to escape them. Others simply give up, and figure if it's important enough, someone who gives a hoot about them will tell them if they are too far out of touch.

And still others, the ones you're probably familiar with, think they are cool, but haven't realized everyone avoids them. Like the 55-year old guys who go where all the 20-year old babes are, and honestly seem to think the babes are going to swarm all over them. THOSE kind need it spelled out, but won't believe you if you do spell it out.

obtuse, clueless thing (if that wasn't sufficiently clear). Just making a point about delivery, and the manner in which a certain type of response is provoked.

[you can call me names in return, if you want, thus further illustrating the point...]

Prudie really didn't get this one. I don't see it as sexual harassment at all. The guy is probably, clumsily trying to flirt, and Prudie wants the LW to hit the panic button?

A simple "My boyfriend got it for me" or something similiar would give him the message. If he did persist, then put it a little more bluntly. If he keeps going, then go to HR, not before.

No, the actually verbage Prudie chose could have been better, but I figure only the VERY socially inept would go verbatim. Hopefully, the LW would moderate the tone to be more appropriate for the person she's talking to. If he's otherwise a nice guy, telling him it makes her uncomforable is good, but she DOES need to ask/tell him to stop. "Immediately" is the only really aggressive word in the statement. Sort of like, "Stop or I'll shoot!"

It would be nice for her to explain why it bothers her, but the fact she had to ask an advice columnist doesn't bode well for her actually doing it. And while it's helpful to co-mentor each other, it's not really part of her job to teach him social skills. If nothing else, she could have (by now) told him something innocuous like, "Those comments really distract me from my work. Would you mind not mentioning it again?"

IncogNeato:

Hadn't thought about the thumb ...

And still others, the ones you're probably familiar with, think they are cool, but haven't realized everyone avoids them. Like the 55-year old guys who go where all the 20-year old babes are, and honestly seem to think the babes are going to swarm all over them. THOSE kind need it spelled out, but won't believe you if you do spell it out.

Because the 20-year-old babes DO swarm all over me.

[Ducking...]