While I wholeheartedly agree that love and grief can coexist, I think you misread the letter. The woman remarried 22 months after her husband's death, which was 10 months after meeting her new husband. People should not be judgmental about her choice, but I can understand why they might be taken aback. I would be concerned if a friend of mine - widowed or not - got married after knowing someone less than one year.

Thoroughly agree with speedreader79. Prudie seemed to think they married closer to three years after the passing of her husband, and were that the case, I think that would be less shocking to the woman's friends and family. And I definitely think marriage within ten months of meeting is shocking, regardless of any circumstances (but most certainly considering hers). If the woman is happy, then that's really all that matters and hopefully her friends will come around. However, I do think if she has to ask if she remarried too soon, then she probably knows she did.

Could not possibly agree more. Great observation all around.

I think the problem the no longer widow's friends are having with her remarriage is that they are the ones who cannot adjust to her being with another man. The friends have not gone through the intense grief the widow had gone through, the friends did not have to pull themselves together and realize they deserve happiness. They are judging their (used to be) grieving friend because they are the ones who can't cope with the change.

There also may be a tad of envy that this woman has met a new man and has started a new life. They are so much more comfortable feeling sympathy (and superiority) for their unhappy friend than they are envy for a happy one.

A friend of mine got married less than a year after she met her husband. They've been through rough patches, but are still together 7 years later.

I agree totally with your posting about the friends not being able to cope with the change and that being the cause of the problem. Although my fiance's wife did not die, they divorced after a 25 year relationship at her request. They had been separated and then divorced for almost 2 years when we met, and he had done his grieving (counseling, etc), but his "friends" seem to be stuck in the past and unable to cope with our relationship.

My fiance and his ex were founding members in a service organization that my fiance is still involved with. Every conversation includes a mention of her and what she is doing now, they have gone to visit her (out of state and a 17 hour drive), but won't drive 10 minutes across town to visit or come to a party we are having. When she is in town, a big get together is planned, so they can visit with her. They are never out and out rude to me, they just ignore me and make no real effort to get to know me. Questions I ask are answered as briefly as possible (if at all) so they can rush back to "remember when". It has even gotten to the point where long time (25 year) friends don't speak to my fiance when we walk in - they have never met me, so it can't be me personally.

We have been together 18 months, and we are happy. Although intellectually I know it is them, not me - yes, it still bothers me.

If I ever find myself a widower, I think I'll just stay single and concentrate on raising my son.

after meeting mr right, it would have been more proper to live with him in sin, without the benefit of clergy, rather than remarry?

is this your position?

Couldn't disagree more!

Regardless of whether it was closer to 2 years or 3 years, it certainly is well beyong even the traditional mourning period.

If I were to die, I would want my wife to move on as soon as she is emotionally ready to do so.

Traditional from the OSM which is actually Minhag not Hallacha is one year in shivah. After that you are free to party hearty.

If I or any of my SO's croak, life will go on. I wouldn't expect anything less than that.

What is a sin? Not everyone has the same sense of "morality".

I would concur that ten months is not long enough for a young person to make the decision to marry. I don't think that this rule applies for a much more mature person.

I think that her friends are upset because they misunderstand her new relationship as being a replacement of her previous husband. Time alone will resolve this issue.

>>I would be concerned if a friend of mine - widowed or not - got married after knowing someone less than one year.<<

So gee - those extra two months REALLY would make the difference, huh?

Ya know, I think the way YOU met YOUR spouse should concern us. Maybe we should give YOU grief. I'm sure there's something in the way you met that we could get critical about. How would YOU like it if we did that?

My point is - it's none of your frigging business - only THEY know whether they were ready or not to get married and even if it's a mistake - it's THEIR mistake to make - NOT YOURS.

well, BA, we all know your position.

Heh my parents got married after 3 months of knowing each other. 27 years later they're still together. I know this is merely anecdotal evidence but it does happen and there's nothing abnormal or worrysome about that.