Can things get any worse in Prudieville? Every week someone asks if the letters can get more pathetic and every week they get more pathetic. Should we, perhaps, stop asking the question, hmmmm?

Bad Dad #1 My biological father was (and I guess might still be) a dirtbag. He beat my mother, molested my sister, and ridiculed my brother.

At least Prudie's advice was to let that sleeping dog lie. All the genetic information the LW needs is available from his mother, sister, and brother. Yes, of course, I know the genetic issue was just a pretense but I still agree that something like that should be let alone.

Bad Dad #2 I was in an abusive, controlling relationship many years ago. I thought he was intense and romantic, but later realized that he was scary and possessive. I became pregnant during the relationship....

Prudie's advice was impressive given the pathetic nature of the letter. (A wonderful relationship with a great guy, but...) Tell the truth constructively, and only to the extent the boy needs to know it.

The Loser I'm living with my boyfriend of almost three years. (Long spiel about the great relationship, but ...) I moved out ... I hooked up with another guy. It didn't work out ... so I moved back in ... Do I tell him about the other guy? I think some of our mutual friends know ...

Ick. That's the only word that works here. Tell Mr. Trust Fund that you need to get your life started and then go do it. One of your so-called friends will tell him about Mr. Jock as soon as you're out the door.

The Bitch Sister-In-Law My husband and I have been trying to conceive and carry through a pregnancy for almost two years. After two difficult miscarriages, we finally seem to be on track for a healthy spring delivery. Within hours of being told about the pregnancy, my much older sister-in-law sent an e-mail to my husband about our baby registry.

Goodness! That's another reason why you don't tell anyone about your pregnancy until you are showing and it's obvious. Only a few of your closest friends really care about your miscarriages. (Repeat that to yourself several times a day.) If the SIL thinks your gift registry is too expensive she can buy you something practical at K-Mart, or not.

Well it's very likely that the LW's husband thought (perhaps incorrectly) that his sister was one of the people closest to him and would care about their miscarriages. It's not really unreasonable to tell a family member about a pregnancy after TTC for 2 years.

Clara:

Well it's very likely that the LW's husband thought (perhaps incorrectly) that his sister was one of the people closest to him and would care about their miscarriages. It's not really unreasonable to tell a family member about a pregnancy after TTC for 2 years.

You're probably right but he was absolutely wrong, and that's the reason you keep things like that to yourself. One would hope people could be a little more supportive but one can't count on it.

I have to agree with you on telling about a pregnancy before it's a sure thing. As I said last week, you can use a pregnancy test and get an accurate positive reading at 5 days, but that doesn't mean there's going to be a baby at the end of it.

As for the SIL, well, the term "jerk" is not gender-specific. I know a couple of female jerks, and I really can't come up with a different name to call them.

Why do you assume she told family members about the pregnancies and that she told them too early? I believe the post referred to the miscarriages as "difficult". Difficult is seldom a word applied to an early miscarriage. She may have been in her second trimester: a well accepted time to tell immediate family members of the pregnancy.

Either way the SIL is a jealous hag.

I agree with you about the jealous hag, and that's putting it nicely.

Here's what the LW said: " ... trying to conceive and carry through a pregnancy for almost two years. After two difficult miscarriages, we finally seem to be on track for a healthy spring delivery."

Nearly two years is less than twenty-four months. "Healthy spring delivery" would probably mean April so she's roughly four months along. She's had two "difficult" miscarriages, and people normally allow some time between a miscarriage and trying again. Do you see a pattern here? She hasn't had time for two second-trimester miscarriages, and I am sure you are aware that most miscarriages are early on.

Difficult is a relative term here. She's probably an emotional mess and should have waited a lot longer in between tries, but that's not the issue.

I'll bite. :-) I did the math:

Nov 2005 - TTC
Jan 2006 - Conceive
May 2006 - M/C
Aug 2006 - TTC
Oct 2006 - Conceive
Feb 2007 - M/C
May 2007 - TTC
Jul 2007 - Conceive
Apr 2008 - Due

I assumed she conceived each pregnancy after 3 months of "trying", that she miscarried each pregnancy at 4 months, waited 3 months to try to conceive again after each miscarriage and then took 3 months to get pregnant again. It works out!

OK, so we agree that it's mathematically possible for her to have had two fourth-month miscarriages and now she's just passed that four month hurdle again.

She and her husband might do a lot better to keep things quiet another month or so, don't you think? They are putting a lot of pressure on themselves any way you look at it.

I think it is reasonable for a couple to share with immediate family that she is pregnant. My rule was, if I am willing to share the pain of a possible miscarriage with this person, I am willing to share the joy. The SIL is a selfish bitch. Period. The fault is not with the couple who are joyful at their pregnancy, it is with the SIL who is insensitive to their struggle.

Plenty of us have been faced with registries that were extravagant. We may snark about it to our friends or spouses, but we say nothing to the person who registered. If we can't find something to buy off the registry, we buy something someplace else. A registry is a list of suggestions, not demands. The SIL is obviously a social retard and should be reminded of this by her brother.

salemanna:

The SIL is a selfish bitch. Period. The SIL is obviously a social retard and should be reminded of this by her brother.

I like your word choices, but I wonder how likely it is that the (younger?) brother will say anything to his (older?) sister, and if it would do any good to speak to her. Social retards are usually convinced that they are the only ones who know how things ought to be done. The rest of us are just too prissy or something.

Ahh, nasty relatives.....

After 2 miscarriages, one a very early event (that no one other than myself, my late period and a gut feeling knows about) and the other at three months (which my folks, his folks, and the guy he works with found out about since it was quite a production medically speaking), we finally had a baby on the way and everything looked good.

No one not even family knew about it until the 4th month, and then the crazy relatives came out of the wood work. Top of the heap? A great-grandmother refused to buy a gift since we didn’t get the gender figured out before the kid was born (for the record he crossed his legs, stuck the cord between them and flipped over to be as much of a surprise as possible!) Our boys a year old and counting she still refuses to get even a card for the kid (although no worries since I refuse to drive 4 hours to take him to visit her the old bat.) The best part is that I have my families support, a family member actually told her that it was really best she didn’t get us anything, since we had plenty and would return any gift sent with malice and bad wishes. I guess it could be worse the old hag could be bitching about how expensive everything is, but still what is wrong with people? Shut up, buy some stuff, or don’t, and get the hell on with it.

I would like to know how the SIL found the registry so damn fast though… Did she already know about and was waiting to pounce? Or does she just Google every family members name after she gets of the phone with them to see what’s up?

sweetpooch:

No one not even family knew about it until the 4th month, and then the crazy relatives came out of the wood work. Top of the heap? A great-grandmother refused to buy a gift since we didn’t get the gender figured out before the kid was born

Perhaps she's developing dementia? Personally, it's a lot more fun for me not to know the gender of my unborn relatives. Just as a couple picks out two names (usually), I pick out either two different gifts, or more often, something that would be useful for either gender. Crib sheets don't have to be all pink or all blue, for instance.

I know a lot of people think it's easier somehow knowing in advance what gender they are having. However, since I wasn't the kind of parent to decorate the girls' room with lace and Disney princesses and the boy's with Tonka trucks and cowboys, it didn't matter for us. I usually only buy gender-specific toys when the kid is old enough to ask for them, and not always then. My boy had a (male) doll, and the girls had construction sets. It helps both genders develop into more complete humans as adults, I believe.