okay - out with xmas, thanxgiving, and spring break (oops, easter - can we keep the days off from school and work though, while we drop the holidays that made us one nation under god?)
here are my suggestion for new, politically correct holidays, which we can turn into 3 day weekends, shopping festivals, and family get togethers.
10 - leif ericson's day. praise thor and pass the potatos. the vikings discovered america, even if they couldn't hold onto it in the midst of the advancing "little ice age". geez, i wonder if the current warming trend might possibly be part of the melt that's been going on for the past 350 years since the vikings froze to death in canada. if only they'd been smart enough to adopt some of the inuit (eskimo) technology, they might not have died in vain.
9 - broken treaty day. everyone take a long weekend and head for "turning stone" or some other indian casino. firewater on the house for everyone who is gaming, and over 21. can we move the miss america contest there too, from atlantic city?
8 - rio grande crossing day. re-enact the crossing from old mexico to new mexico, including the bribes to guides and US border patrol agents, the swimming, the desert trek, the freeway truck dodging, and the dispersal to safes homes. this could be almost like the exodus of moses, you know. or the underground railroad. hey, amigo, speak spanish now - you're in america.
7 - world religion week. instead of celebrating the birth (or death) of your lord, or some lamp that burned 8 days, or travelling to saudi arabia to throw stones at a meteor as a once in a lifetime pilgrimmage, lets spend the last week of the year in solemn consideration of why ALL religions are facetioius attempts to control mens minds and establish an unelected class of rulers to take away our freedoms. if we organize the central festivities in NYC, at least we'll know where osama and jerry falwell will attack next, eh?
6 - earth day. we used to have it, lets bring it back. no science allowed - this will be a day to hear political speeches about how the enemy du jour is destroying our mother. a constant rotation of villains guarantees this holiday will never go stale. one year you're encouraged to "key" your neighbor's SUV, the next year you can burn down a starbucks, the year after that boycott chinese goods. everybody's a villain sooner or later. and wouldn't al gore make a hilarious, helium filled character in a macy's earth day parade?
5 - UN secretary general's day. we used to celebrate our greatest presidents - washington and lincoln. then that was genericized into "president's day". but most recent presidents have been less than inspiring. by decree of the UN all people will celebrate UN secretary generals' day instead, to recall the many successes the UN has had over the years in advancing human rights, preventing genocide, etc. don't laugh. it could happen.
4 - no labor day. we'll still keep it the same as labor day, but recognize that its a day for NOT working. everyone go shopping, or that last weekend at the beach. except if you work at a restaurant, outlet or department store, hotel, airline, gas station, credit card call service center, hospital, bus/cab driver, policeman, fireman, casino workers or any of a dozen other jobs where you serve US while WE have "no labor". bartender - another round for me, please!
3 - political education day. this was actually proposed by some democratic party officials a few years ago. a day off from school and work where we could hear lectures and watch tv shows on the difference between "good" political ideas, vs. bad ones. mao would have been so proud . . .
2 - organic and non-genetically modified food harvest celebration. sustainable, pesiticide free, vegetarian foodstuffs only. no-tofurky for me . . . most of those soybeans aren't grown on cropland which have been maintained pesticide and herbicide free for the required 10 years. exactly what would we eat, then? if the package says its organic, it must be, right? i mean a big company like "whole earth foods" wouldn't lie to us just to make obscene profits, would they?
1 - memory day. i forget what we are celebrating here, but it should happen around the end of may. anyway, go shopping and get new bathing suits and cargo shorts and crocs . .. summer's right around the corner.
