Were my dear one to inform me that something I was doing or saying was going over the line or seriously hurting him, I would (1) take a deep breath to disperse the first natural response of defensiveness; (2) make a swift apology; (3) undertake to him to drop that behavior; and (4) see that I did so.

The (blameless) intention of my words and deeds is not what counts here. What counts is hurting the one I say I love. What's easier? What's more loving? Dropping a line of behavior (it's easier than you think, if you want to do it) or making the "loved one" go through mental contortions talking him/herself out of the obvious proof of your indifference?

If it hurts you, that should suffice to make him want to cease and desist.

Great advice!

My impression after reading the letter was that I didn't find the husband's ribbing funny in any way. He sounds very passive-aggressive --typical of someone who is forced to behave in a manner that conflicts with their true feelings. The little blurbs that the husband is spewing are probably his frustrations spilling over.

The wife seems pretty upset and hurt and that makes me think that since she was physically present to hear the tone in her husband's voice and to observe his demeanor, she is a better judge of the situation than we are. It seems that, at the very least, her intuition is telling her something is wrong.

Maybe the husband is stuffing his feelings-- perhaps he feels trapped in the marriage, or no longer in love-- but unable to confront the issue. That seems to be why the letter writer is worried enough to write to DP.

tot tell the truth, i'm a little worried that this husband's treatment is the beginning of mental and emotional abuse. I wish the best to them both.

Hi, that's the way I read it too. Emily Yoffe just dismissed it as if it were normal behavior.

That is exactly what I thought: verbal/emotional abuse.

What he said can not be taken in any way as "teasing" (what's he teasing her about? how he wishes he hadn't married her?) and then to tell her to leave, and THEN to ask her where she's going when she does so, are all textbook examples of emotional abuse, as is telling her to toughen up (blaming her) when she tells him his behavior hurts her feelings. (The letter-writer should read Patricia Evans' great books on this topic--her letter describes behavior just like the examples in her books.)

Unfortunately, I've noticed almost no advice columnist seems to recognize emotional or verbal abuse. Unless the abuse is physical, they respond to scenarios like this one with: Communicate better and/or get counseling--neither of which are effective with abusive behavior. (Because they already are aware they are hurting you--that is the point.)

HORRIBLE advice.

This man's response to his wife, whom he supposedly loves, has red flags for abuse written all over it.

I speak as a survivor of verbal/emotional abuse, which escalated to physical threats at the end. My children and I finally left him, fearing for our safety.

A friend of mine was discussing this with me, what was said about the "tougher skin" is an indication he doesn't intend to stop his hurtful comments. Nope, she's gotta get used to him... b/c that's just 'how he is...'

I would say run while you still can, before there are kids and the prospect of divorce gets messier.

Or Google Verbal and Emotional Abuse. You'll find tons of websites, discussion forums, and places to find more information.

Prudence missed the boat on this one.

Please lighten up; sounds to me that what he said was "sour grapes" speaking! Yes, he was probably sulking over your "football" win, so let him sulk in peace. Leave the laundry room! When he asked where you were going, just say that you're leaving him to the quiet that he was enjoying. Chances are that pretty soon he would have come to you and apologized for his behavior, vowing that next time he was going to win that game - big! You claim to have a great relationship that involves a lot of conversation, laughter and teasing, etc. There are many people who would like to have a portion of that in their relationships. Enjoy him!

What I got from this letter is that she went into the room where he was folding laundry, ragging on him about her winning the football pool. She said, protesting too much, I think, that he never fails to boast when he wins it. That tells me that she was going on and on before the laundry incident and continued after he'd thought it was over. I think his response really meant "yeah, ok, leave me alone about it already". I don't believe he meant to hurt her feelings, was being abusive or wants a divorce. He was telling her to back off while trying to do it in a funny/teasing way without hurting her feelings,really. It just backfired because she realized it was her that took it too far. My husband and I go through this ourselves, sometimes.

I don't think it's "protesting too much" for the LW to mention that her husband is a braggart. Since he brags, he should be able to take bragging from others in stride, or else look like a petulant child.

And let's not forget, everyone, that he told her she has to develop a thicker skin. He's not responding with an apology, he doesn't intend to stop hurting her feelings, and he knows it bothers her. It seems like this has been going on for a while and she's nearing the end of her rope.

If my husband wins a game and brags, I can't imagine responding with, "I don't know why I married you. Get out. No, come back, don't sulk, and learn to appreciate my humor."

the value of a sense of humor either. The world would make you very unhappy if you couldn't laugh. I mean, I imagine it would...

ceejai:

Leave the laundry room! When he asked where you were going, just say that you're leaving him to the quiet that he was enjoying.

Sounds like a plan. I heard a tale once about a newlywed couple, where the wife made him a pie. The crust wasn't flaky enough, the filling wasn't sweet enough, she should have used blueberries instead of cherries, it was too brown, etc. She got up, took his plate, emptied it back into the pie pan, went to the trash can and dumped it in. Then she sat back down and quietly finished her dinner. Allegedly, he never complained about her cooking, at least, ever again.

DING DING DING we have a winner! Every week at least one husband/boyfriend from one of the letters has to be accused of being controlling and/or abusive. I was starting to think this week might be the exception that proves the rule.......but what do we have here! ;)

You must have missed Messy claiming Turkey girl was a victim of abuse :P

What is the point of you inane comment?

DING! DING! DING! Newsflash: it's just possible that abusive boyfriends and husbands actually exist, (and that their partners write to advice columnists). What about that is so hard for you to accept?

Rory, it sounds like you have something you'd like to share with the group.