Something is not right about this family, im getting the idea that the brother in law purposely screws this womans name up, as if to let her know that she doesnt matter. The fact that they are never directly invited to these dinners tells me that the sister in question dislikes this brother for some reason. Then what bothers me is the mother in law making pronouncements about how she wants everyone together on that day, and seems to care less about whether this woman has her own family who she would prefer to dine with on that day. The woman seems controlling and just because shes 80, does not mean she can make demands as if every day is her last. This is emotional blackmail. Prudence is wrong on this one, because she fails to address the fact that this family is disconnected some how. If I were treated in that manner even 2 times in a row, it would be the last time I ever showed up, and if my mother in law wanted to push the issue I would have to inform her of her daughters bad manners. Also this issue should not even have to be handled by the letter writer, her husband should be the one stepping up and addressing his rude sister, and calling an end to the charade. She should not have to sacrifice her own happiness and well being on a day that is supposed to be nice and pleasant.

I'm with you. I think it's perfectly reasonable to say, "I realize how important this is to you and your family, but your brother refuses to learn my name, and your sister is rude to me. If they don't care to learn how to treat a dinner guest, I don't care to be one."

I couldn't agree more! I've seen daughters in law bow out of Thanksgiving dinners for less reasons than the LW. That family is downright rude! It really bothers me when old people act like every holiday will be her last. I knew a woman, who started proclaiming "this may be my last holiday" when she was 60. She lived to be 80!

This will be my 84 year old mother in law's 15th last Thanksgiving with us.

Sidebar to an otherwise excellent post, Are you a mac user?

The arsnic isn't working Mere?

The Reverend is an only child born to a mother who had him late in life. Need I elaborate? I'd like to invite you to their annual Mutual #1 Fan Club but the truth is, no other attendees are really necessary...

...and I don't know if you were referring to me but the only mac I think I use is mac n cheese.

wow i couldnt have said it better myself...i agree with you totally thanks for saying it so i didnt have to...

...it's the annual get together to remind everybody why its done only once a year.........enjoy.

I agree with Prudence....I don't think that this family is anymore damaged than any other. Its likely that the inlaws are a little uncomfortable around the couple two. After all a dead-ended conversation isn't any fun for anyone involved. As for the lack of a formal invitation, I point out that a formal inviation, for anything other than a wedding, would make most of my family uncomfortable. For informal gatherings, we always rely on the family network to get the message out ie. I call two relatives and they call two relatives and so on and so on and so on. As for the missed name, he could be joking or teasing badly or simply have a problem with names in any case, being unable to remember a name usually looks worst on the memory deficient.

In truth the couple will never likely have the same type of relationship with their family as they have with their friends, few of us will. But, in life friendships come and go while your family will be available to you through out. If you value the idea of having this perpetual availability, you may have to make a few sacrifices to keep it. Two hundred miles of driving combined with a less than optimal get together is a pretty small sacrifice to make.

As to the torturous performances of the grand-children....someday, it may be their turn to send a kiddie to the stage....then, it will be wonderful to have the stage and the presence of an audience that will accept their efforts warmly, charitably, and appreciatively.

Dave

I applaud the woman for going to her husband's family Thanksgiving dinner to please her husband and his mother. However, from experience with my own mother, I can tell you that she is being selfish, by commanding everyone in the family to attend. And 80 years old or not, she needs to be gently told that while you love spending time with her on the holidays, you prefer to hold your own dinner at your home. My own mother until this year has held our family emotionallly hostage, so that we spend every holiday together, instead of spending it with our spouses families also. As for the brother in law and sister in law, I believe they probably don't care whether they attend or not, as shown by their lack of hospitatlity. And his failure to respect her enough to call her by her own name, shows he wont' mind at all if they were to miss the family Thanksgiving dinner.

No Mere, I was thinking of Betty's writing style. Either she doesn't understand paragraphy structure or uses a mac.

In the larger scope of things, this reader is fortunate to have such problems. Think of people who are homeless, alone at the holidays, whose parents are dead and gone, who don't have families of their own to share these rituals and events.

Keep the larger picture in mind and you'll find that your problems are minor irritations that you suffer each year in an effort to stay connected to your husband's family members. Keep it light, keep it in perspective, and suck it up. It's one day a year, for crying out loud!

My God people, lighten up. “A Turkey of a Day” sounds like she is looking for some sound tactful advice. Not advice on why and how to start World War-3.

To: “A Turkey of a Day,” you said your Sister-in-Law does not call or speak to you through-out the year, nor invites you to functions directly. DO YOU??? Do you call or speak to your Sister-in-Law through-out the year??? Or, do you invite her directly to your functions??? Remember: “The gate swings both way.”

The One thing, I tell anyone looking for advice is; when you first meet someone, anyone, right then and there you begin to set the ground rules for your “Friendship, Relationship, Co-Workers and even Family Members.” What ever you allow or do not allow in the beginning is the foundation of any relationship you will have. Be it Good, Bad or Indifferent.

Seeing how you and your Husband have allowed your Sister and Mother-in-Law to set the tone by not saying or doing anything after the first couple of times. You and your Husband said to them, Loud and Clear, “It’s OK with us.” Even if you didn’t actually say the words.

By the way, do you and your husband ever talk to each other??? Maybe if you did, you two could have reached the same conclusion that Prudence offered you.

Don’t be so quick to “Cry Wolf.” Most people will agree that there is always much more to a story than the Teller tells. There are Three side to every story, 1 – Your side, 2 - His/Their side, 3 - and then the "Truth." Happy Thanksgiving.

I would agree that these in-laws sound like rude, mean-spirited people. They remind me of what some of my own sister's have to go through with their in-laws. What irritates me about this article, and with my sisters and their husbands, is that they all continue to go out of their way to accomodate these types of people. Unfortunately this is almost always what nice people do, even when certain people are unworthy. The unkind get by due to the kind, just as the dishonest ride the shoulders of the honest. Undeserving people continue to have their Thanksgiving (and undoubtedly other holidays,etc.) the way they want to have it and nothing ever changes. They certainly are not going to change when they continue to get their way, despite their rudeness. Assuming that you do not see each other often, if ever, outside of this day, then why keep up the charade? Yes, it's only one day, but clearly the anxiety of this one day effects you, both before and after it is over. Also, it is an important day and one I would definitely try and spend elsewhere. I would start with this Thanksgiving...not too late. Other arrangements or an explanation for the Grandmother may be necessary, but acceptable, in my opinion. Why spend any more of your time and life with people that continually act in this way? I would politely back out, but I would back out. Your in-laws have proven that they don't deserve your company, possibly anyone's company, and maybe when their table is empty some time in the future they will change the way they act towards you and re-enter your lives. If not, then let them spread their misery elsewhere.