I am always amazed at the more prude part of our population who rallies against sex before marriage and then generally become the people who have multiple marriages, regrets, etc. The fact is thought that sex before marriage is based on your hormones and your urges-sex during marriage is an obligation-even when you both like it. There will always be that difference.

Of course it isnt relevant now, but I still believe in getting your sexual oates sewed while younger-college aged or 18-25 and I feel that way because 1-they are they years where you are less likely to be married-thus less likely to cause a major rift in a relationship and 2-you are at your best health wise.

At 40, you and your husband may well enjoy a healthy sex life, but the sex you are having isnt likely to be olympic quality or at the very least, be aware that your perspective partners will not be the same people you see in pornos or at a night club-your age will be about 10-15 years above theirs and your energy level may not be the same.

More importantly is the "rules" you mention. And not just your rules, but the ones which you will be playing into. Yes, as a woman, you can put on makeup and a slinky black dress, and I assure you finding a man of most any age willing to have anonymous sex with you wont be a hard thing to do unless you are in need of serious plastic surgery, but your husband wont be able to hide his age and most likely, the club scene wont favor his efforts-he will be forced to use the internet dating sites or worse, the adult scene (strip clubs, prostitutes, etc). The dangers of diseases, drugs, etc which come with this are not to be ignored.

And Prudie mentions the rules you made, and I must agree with her-how the heck do you plan to not fall in love with someone? How do you plan to not feel jealous? Feelings are well known for overcoming the challenge of logic. Yes, your husband is a wonderful man, but what if you meet this new guy and he is also a wonderful man? What if HE meets a wonderful woman?

As an adult you know that sex is fun, but it isnt a dominant aspect of most peoples lives once they have kids, careers, etc.

My advice is use outside THINGS to inspire yourselves. Yes, rent some porno, even go TOGETHER into a strip club and get motivated-men are visual-seeing another woman will be easily translated into passion for you.

Dont think that you can make up for a goody goody past. Your past is your past. Anything you do is for the moment or for the future.

Right. Don't enforce prudery on children and let them work through issues of sexuality and love while they are young. The "40-year-old-itch" is an old theme and adressed in classic American literature such as SInclair Lewis' book "Dodsworth." Find some more common interests and read some books on sexuality instead of renting porn. Porn will likely just induce more insecurities. I wonder who's idea sleeping around really is. Perhaps they should start with some counseling.

Yes, as a woman, you can put on makeup and a slinky black dress, and I assure you finding a man of most any age willing to have anonymous sex with you wont be a hard thing to do unless you are in need of serious plastic surgery, but your husband wont be able to hide his age and most likely, the club scene wont favor his efforts-he will be forced to use the internet dating sites or worse, the adult scene (strip clubs, prostitutes, etc).

Yes, I'm sure all those middle-aged women who came of age during or after the "Sexual Revolution" are SOOO unwilling to engage in a little friendly no-strings-attached sex with a middle-aged man in an open marriage. Especially the divorced women whose exes have married younger women -- a 40-something woman like that would NEVER go for a fun liaison that might prove she's still attractive and sexy!

Are you without a TV or the internet? 40ish women are not stupid. They can easily snag a guy in his twenties or thirties-they dont need to settle for men their age. Few do these days if the press has anything on the truth--the cougar scene is well known, older women picking up younger and younger man.

Sure, what 40-50 year old guy wouldnt want a twenty something woman, but that is reserved for the wealthy and the unusually good looking. Most older men are out of shape, not rich, and cannot hope to get a super model chick.

I watch TV and obviously use the Internet.

I just don't confuse them with reality, particularly when it comes to human relationships.

The LW states in her letter that she and her hubby 'discussed' this.

What probably happened was that hubby brought up the subject thinking that he could get a threesome with LW's best friend Jill (hubby may have been doing Jill for years and wants to get them together). The LW agreed to it thinking that she could get into a threesome with Hubbies best friend Jack. They haven't really discussed anything, and certainly not 'swinging'.

And the LW didn't include her real thoughts in the letter because she knows that hubby might see it and realize what she was thinking all along.

my suggestion would be for them to either have a couple threesomes - switching up the gender of the third participant so everyone gets a little of what they want; although this would involve a lot of same-sex action which may or may not be something they'd be into. but it would serve to both give them more experience (threesomes are pretty kinky, especially considering these two have only ever had sex with each other) and keep either of them from getting too attached to the person outside the marriage. the better option though would be for them to find another couple in a similar situation and try swinging. that way, everyone is in the same boat, everyone is less likely to fall in love and/or break the rules, and everyone gets it equally (thus negating the problems older men might have in finding anonymous sex partners). plus, everyone would be much more investing in keeping out disease and whatnot. plus, again, swinging is pretty darn kinky, and so should help get some of that itch scratched. or they could always just start role playing or join a sex club that allows for public play or something like that and see where it goes and if they still feel like having sex with other people, or if all they really needed was something new.

When you have a foot injury, you go to a professional podiatrist. When you want to take a trans-continental flight, you go to a professional pilot. It only stands to reason that when you want sex, you should go to a professional sex giver.

Sex pros are there for the folks who are either (a) too undesirable to get it another way or (b) looking for no-strings lovin'. They're professionals, you see.

Except that there are many amateur "professionals" who are engaged in the profession for the pay scale but dont take the same precautions as the professionals do where it is legal (and highly regulated). In places where prostitution is legal, they get AIDS tests and use condoms-can you be sure of this in a place where it isnt legal in any way? That is the vast majority of the USA and most other "civilized" nations.

The sentiment is shared on many issues of victimless crimes-especially sex and drugs. If these vices were as legal as drinking or smoking cigarettes, they would at least have a legal and regulated (and taxed) status-a modicum of safety-options with safety measures as a sure thing. Making illegal things which are largely unpoliced and un prosecuted because of their ridiculous nature or because of more extreme aspects of the subject is both a waste of your tax dollar and the waste of a potential tax revenue-a great place for a sin tax like we have on cigarettes and alcohol (proven causes of health issues and social issues both I might add).

Since the reality is that these things will remain illegal until a major cultural shift takes place-we must operate within the realm of reality.

I'm not so worried about the social implications of prostitution. There are plenty of happy hookers in the world who do it by choice because it's lucrative.

As far as cleanliness goes, you have to take that on a hooker-by-hooker or gigolo-by-gigolo basis. Like with anything else, house painters, for example, you're probably going to get what you pay for. Hanging around truck stops is going to get you, well, that. I might seek out girls earning their PhD's. I think smart girls bring a little somethin' extra.

And if you're worried about the legalities, you could do sex tourism. Horny middle aged women are staples at these resorts.

Their is nothing wrong with good hot pornos and prudes are stupid to say their a problem. But I would not have sex with a woman over forty no matter what offer she made or dress she had on, if she hadnt gotten her junk lifted by a good plastic surjeon. No way would I. Their are plenty of hot women in the 20s and 30s who will give it up without a fight.

And when you are over 40 sir, will you be getting your junk lifted or do you plan to be the next Hugh Heffner.....

Thank you for staying away from the grownups. You're right, the kids don't mind the ten second Sammies. Go for it.

Signed:

36 25 37..... and 2QT4U.....