For the lady considering a swinging lifestyle, I advise to not do it. Sure on your behalf it may sound fun. What's not exciting about a new man to be with in bed? But how are you going to feel when your husband is adored and touched by another woman? What if he or she developes feelings for one another? How are you going to select your partners? Are they disease free? Emotionally stable? I really can't understand why two perfectly happy people would even consider it. If you really are that curious, then seperate, live your own life for awhile and date around. but I almost gaurantee that some single men/women in their 30's and 40's are single for good reasons.

My hubby and I are in a non-monogamous marriage instigated by me, and it makes me jealous in an addictive way. It has heightened his desireabilty to me and brings out my competitive nature. It's like dating again, but with no real fear of losing him. Could something happen to cause him to leave me? Maybe, but that can happen in monogamous marriages; the usual cliche is the married man refusing to leave his wife for the other woman. The risk is real, but like any activity (skiing, diving, climbing, driving to work) acceptable if you act reasonably. I have only one other partner (three in my life counting hubby, so I'm probably below the norm even for the married monogamous); hubby has been with three carefully selected friends of mine. And I should mention - the sex is wonderful.

Marriage is a bond between two people who respect, charish and want to be with no one besides the other for a lifetime. Swinging is just a fancy word for cheating as far as I'm concerned. But if two people concent and agree it will "spice" up their marriage then who am I to say no. But what really bothers me is that swingers have families. And any child at any age whether they're adults or toddlers would be crushed to learn of such a dirty secret lurking in their own home. They could see you as sexual deviants and be ashamed and embarrassed of you. Why would you put such an emotional tornado over them to deal with? And if they never found out, how could you lie about something like that for so long? And is the safety of your child one of those 'everyday' risks that we just can't avoid everyday? Inviting "carefully selected" but perfect strangers into your family unit with just one purpose, to have sex with you? If you want to jump from one sexual adventure to another then stay single, play the field, have a great time. But you just can't have your cake and eat it too. That is what commitment is all about, sacrifices.

That's judgmental. It's not necessarily like that for everybody.

It sounds to me that this woman (LW) and her husband are in a good position for something like this. It's hard when you meet your future husband really young; you never get to have any kind of sexual adventure and you kind of don't define yourself sexually outside of the husband. This woman has obviously thought about this a lot - you don't have a 25 year relationship without good communication and a healthy understanding of each other.

And shouldn't your husband/wife really just be your best bud? Especially after so many years? You really CAN have your cake and eat it too. And what does it mean that commitment is all about sacrifices?? Yes, there are inevitably some sacrifices, but no relationship should be "all about" that. That sounds awful. It should be more about having a good time and growing as people together, in whatever way the couple in question sees fit.

Obviously, as others have mentioned, the number one concern would be jealousy. Both parties must genuinely want the OTHER person to be able to experiment in addition to themselves. They can't go into it thinking about what each of them will gain personally; it should be more holistic, and each of them should reconcile themselves with the fact that it might be a disappointment.

There should also be clear rules about what is ok, how much to share, and how and if the agreement would come to an end if either party starts to get uncomfortable. This is obviously a possibility that both people need to be open to.

I don't understand how everyone in this forum thinks this is automatically a bad idea! Granted, it often doesn't work, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't ever. Somebody's writing in to get advice based on her particular situation. And it's so ludicrous how people (in other threads) have assumed that the husband isn't into it! With an advice column, you are obviously only going to read one perspective, but you can't just make up the other side of the story! That's crazy!

I personally am not in an open relationship. It wouldn't be right for us. But we've been friends with other couples who've been open, and it's a personal preference. You just have to know what you want, for yourself.

There's a section in Dan Savage's wonderful Skipping Towards Gomorrah about a swinger couple that is very religious, has three children, and are madly in love with one another. They don't bring their "extracurricular" activities into their home. They go to clubs or conventions in the city near their home. People here should read that book...and then start reading "Savage Love." Dan gives WAAAAY better advice than Prudie when it comes to sex/relationships.

"I don't understand how everyone in this forum thinks this is automatically a bad idea! Granted, it often doesn't work, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't ever."

depends what you mean by "often doesn't work". if not working means it causes divorce, how can the fact that sometimes it doesn't cause divorce make it an acceptable risk? how can anyone think sex is worth screwing up the most important relationship in your life?

I see 'often doesn't work' meaning something like my first attempt at making a new recipe doesn't often work. It pisses me off but I learn and move forward better prepared.

I don't know why people think marriage is such an incredibly fragile thing that it can't possibly work around a bad swinging experience. So you tried it, it wasn't what you wanted. Maybe it even brought up some bad feelings. If a marriage is on solid ground and between two people who love each other, none of the above should lead to divorce.

Now, if a marriage is on rocky ground and the wife already half hates her husband, it could wind up in divorce. Or Heleva's example of a husband that cared so little about his wife he left her sitting 'catatonic'. But don't we all agree that that type of relationship isn't really the type we want to keep going anyway?

How can anybody think one instance of your spouses genitals touching another person's genitals be enough to ruin a great relationship?

"How can anybody think one instance of your spouses genitals touching another person's genitals be enough to ruin a great relationship?"

because monogamy is important to some people.

your argument could be applied to many different things that are potentially harmful to a relationship. but the fact remains, just because your marriage may be strong enough to survive a situation (and there's no way to be sure that it is), doesn't mean you should actively seek out that situation.

glutton79:

because monogamy is important to some people.

And you think said people would agree to participate in an open marriage? You are comparing apples and oranges. Anybody that felt like monogamy was a need for them wouldn't be in this boat in the first place. People in this boat have pretty much by definition agreed that monogamy wasn't their primary concern.