....New York or Berlin, what a choice!? Let me tell you a little story about my seatmate on a flight to the fatherland. She was born in Germany to Turkish parents. Grew up in Germany as a German in German schools. She moved to New York city in her twenties. Met an American man, born in the US, married and had two children. After 10 years in the big apple, she packed it in and told hubby, either come with me or stay. He decided to come too. Now, her parents are business owners in Germany, and part of the Turkish community, so by hook or crook they will always have a supposedly irreplacable job vacany to fill in Germany. The Turks love it there. So easy to profit from corruption and milk the system. My seatmate however, chose to raise her kids in Germany, in stead of NYC, and she was home sick. I've been in the states for 42 years, and I am still homesick. Germany is just a better place to raise a family. End of story.

So, what advice do I have for you? Look at it as a win/lose proposition. If you move to Germany and raise your kids in a German school system, they will be safe, sociable, busy, well educated kids with an EU passport and a legal right to live and work in any EU country. This will be a big deal in the future when they have to work for a living, as by then, opportunities in the US will be pretty scarce. But, since they're born in the US, they will always be US citizens and can work here if and when they want. For your kids, growing up in Germany is a win/win propostion. For you it's time to separate from Mommy anyway, as you are now ready to start your own family.

Will this wonderful German man stay married? Divorce rates in Germany are as high as here. Berlin is known as the singles city. However, the state supports your kdis, with all services needed to grow up healthy and straight, unlike NYC. Berlin is also very international and you'll find tons of locals who'd just love to speak English with you. You will have more friends there, then here. They also have a real sense of humor. Unlike NYC. Sooooo, ipso conclusium, keep your word (something meaningful in Germany, still) and live in Berlin for 5 years. You'll love it. And there's a direct flight to Newark and JFK every day of the week in case you yearn for the garbage pit, they call NYC.

This is making miss Germany sooooo badly... I've always resented a few things: 1) My family gave up their citizenship, which prohibited me from getting mine. 2) the fact my family never spoke German while I was growing up (they wanted to "Americanize" psh!). Now I feel disadvantaged as I only speak English, conversational Spanish and, uh, swears in German.

I have family over there - we used to have land but my grandparents sold it (major mistake number 3). If only I was fluent in two European languages and had an EU passport...this woman should give her children the gift of feeling "at home" in two wonderful countries!

Tell us how you really feel....

I'm sick of men acting like it's no big deal to have a baby. Your body goes through crazy changes and then you have to push an 8-10 lb human out of a teensy body opening. Then, you have to care for this thing that wants to suck on you, can't support it's own neck and requires constant cleansing and changing. It's a life altering experience and there's nothing wrong with wanting support (especially from someone who has been through it) in the beginning.

Frankly, i think there's something weird about the relationship to begin with. The fact that she tries to blame that she agreed to this arrangement when she was under the influence but then had five years to discuss it beFORE getting pregnant. I definitely feel that was misleading to the husband. But I do agree with Prudie in that they should find some sort of compromise.

You may be right about the future of job opportunities in the US, but you seem to be making a random prognostication based on your hatred of the US. Sure, it would be great for them to be able to work in the EU, but a generation from now, we have no idea what the world or its economy will look like. And just because people will want to practice their English on the new American in town, doesn't mean she will click with said people and have instant friends.

This is a bad sitch from the get-go. Basically, because these two people have now involved a child in what is leading up to a power struggle. It's important that they talk this through and find some way for everyone to be happy or else the resentment from either or both sides will lead to a broken family in their not so distant future....

...and i'll tell you why. five years is perfect at this point in your kids lives. they're young and preschool. and if there's a time to switch them between the US and europe, now is the time. they can always go to the US, however, once they're in the school system, it will be difficult, no impossible, for them to switch into a competitive german school, if they're college bound. european schools are more rigorous and the language barrier is considerable. english is easy to learn, german very difficult if the primary care giver is a non-german speaker. so, once you see what berlin has to offer, and you decide you want to come back to the US, now is the time to do it while your kids are babies.

but, unfortunately, you're starting to see the realities of cross-cultural life. i decided to raise my kids in the US as americans without any German influence. Of course some of me rubbed off on my kids, but I do think it would have been better for them to have a 100% american, or german, background. being 'international' is not what it's cracked up to be. having a home and feeling that you're part of it, is far more satisfying.

Actually, German's a lot easier to learn than English. And preschool kids, if they have any connection outside the house or if either parent or a live-in maid or nanny speaks the local language, will learn it often better than either parent. Why? Because they are having to sort out the differences in the 2 (or 3) languages, and will be more aware of exceptions in either.

My daughter at age 2, 6 weeks after moving to another country, was correcting native speakers about which words were masculine and which were feminine and which were neuter, if they used the wrong pronoun.

I think they did you a great service. I raised my kids as Americans, and I am sure I did the right thing. My oldest studies German in college, for the heck of it, and talks to me in German, and wished she'd been raised bi-lingual, but i know it would have been non-sense. As a result my kids are 100% American, and dont know any different. It was one of the better decisions I made in my life.

I work in international education and I can tell you hands down that European schools are NOT necessarily more rigorous than US schools. Different, yes, but more rigorous, no. Even if the family were to move to Germany, it may be better for the kids to attend American schools there.

As for your evaluation of the financial benefits on living in Germany, for the most part this boils down to how much money the family makes. For families that are very well off, America is usually the better choice, both for the educational benefits, better health care, and comparatively low taxes. For families that are not as well off, Germany is probably the way to go.

The family also needs to consider that the LW will most likely be unable to work in Germany. This causes many problems for expat families, even when it is not a financial burden.

I'm not saying that the LW shouldn't try Germany out, and I agree that when the children are young is the time to do it. However, I think that you are letting your prejudices about America (and NYC in particular) color the advice that you are giving.

Every parent has to decide what he/she thinks is best for their own kids. Some kids will agree with it once grown, and some will not, even within the same household. The problem here is the couple doesn't agree with each other. She needs to negotiate, not to convince him not to go to Germany, but to make it on terms she's more comfortable with. For instance, let her find a job in her field in whatever city she can, instead of insisting upon Berlin.

"As for your evaluation of the financial benefits on living in Germany, for the most part this boils down to how much money the family makes. "

Spoken like an American, who has no understanding of what 'international' really means. Let me explain it you, although I am sure you wont get, if you haven't already. May I add that higher education in Germany is nearly free, if they've got the stuff? So much for REAL democracy.

International living means, first of all, a life that doesn't revolve around money, material acquisitions, SUV's, 5000 square foot homes, six figure incomes, and eternal sox/yankee games over and over and over again.

International living in a city like Berlin means, learning the joy of walking, in clean professionally landscaped parks, forests, among architectural masterpieces built for permanence not boom and bust. It means a choice of 20 theater perfromances, 3 operas, museums, amusement parks, fair galore, playgrounds, etc. For a child, it means organized sports year round, in any sport your kid fancies. For a child it means walking to school, riding a bicycle, eating healthy food, in short living a healthy life style, and learning what a healthy lifestile really is. It means a lean, well developed body and mind, as opposed to the pillsbury doughboy lifelong struggle with overweight. It means reading newspapers that are well written, informed, intelligent. Instead of the Jerry Springer style of entertainment. I could go on.

" For families that are very well off, America is usually the better choice, both for the educational benefits, better health care, and comparatively low taxes. For families that are not as well off, Germany is probably the way to go."

No. The Europeans with money, and problem kids or kids that aren't bright enough for higher education, are better off. But only if they never had a cultural life.

Also, those bright kids who can benefit from a Harvard or Yale are far better of in the US for higher education because they get more individual attention. That's providing the Europeans have 160k for a four year degree.

"The family also needs to consider that the LW will most likely be unable to work in Germany. This causes many problems for expat families, even when it is not a financial burden. "

Wrong. The LW will have a work and residence permit because her husband is a German national. There's a quasi-green card for her. You know nothing of 'international' stuff. Are you a clerk in an American college?

Another idea: try to get an apartment that has enough space for guests to stay comfortably. The fact is, Americans like to vist Europe, and having a place to stay with people they know can only enhance the experience. I suspect that if it is convenient for everyone, that the American wife's family and friends will come visit more often than you might think.

I also agree that the civil and linguistic advantages of being raised in Germany during the early years are considerable and positive.

It's true that the kids will end up with a perspective on the world that is fairly different from that of the mother, perhaps more like the father's. Perhaps this issue is at the root of the stress this is causing the mother.

If you were giving me advice, I wouldn't know what to think. Obviously you admire and prefer the "international" lifestyle, by which it seems you mean West European cosmopolitan, but you mention Turks milking the system and profiting from corruption (is that bad, in your opinion?)

The bigger "but" here is that you chose to cut your kids off from German heritage in favor of being "whole." I don't understand that at all.

You tell the LW to go to Germany, but do you think she needs to commit to making her family 100% German? Personally I enjoy the back-and-forth lifestyle, with semi-frequent trips and the potential for longer stints in either the US or Germany.

I find it hard to believe that a native German speaker would mess up noun genders.

If you're referring to another language, I still find it hard to believe. Preschoolers do learn incrediby well, especially compared to ossified adult brains, but generally if a natives say it a certain way, they are right.

It happens. Just as English speakers might say ""is" for "are" when we are speaking quickly and not really paying attention to form. I was speaking to a lady in English, and another lady came up to speak in the local language (no, not German, since I could have joined in.) Suddenly my daughter said something in the language, several times, insistently; and the lady I was speaking to knelt down and said something to her, and she settled down. The other lady then left, and the lady who spoke English told me that my daughter had told them a certain words was a "girl" word instead of a "boy" word. She had then told my daughter that was correct, corrected herself, and continued the conversation.

Wow, a little American hostility going on here. Here's the thing about culture. If you haven't lived in it during your formative years you probably will never get it. Thus people who live in the north will never fully understand the culture of the south. People who grew up in NYC will never understand the culture of the Amercian Farmland etc. Your perspective is that the culture of Germany (aka International) is better than the culture of American and your distain shows that. I would guess that most Americans would have the same skewed view of European culture whether they have lived there or not. The fact is when you don't understand the complexities of a culture you tend to pick up on the negatives because the positives of the culture are beyond your comprehension.

Also, as to the issue of family bonds, there are typically two basic types of people. The first develope close family bonds and tend to stay close to home and visit with family often. The other type has more of a vagabond outlook on things. They see the world as rich with new experiences and learning oportunities. Person number one will likely live, go to school and work close to where they grew up. Their life will be focused more on the comfort of the familiar and relationships. Person number two wants to explore and will likely leave home at a yound age and end up settling far away or move frequently. They will focus on outward oportunities and experiences.

As a Eurepean living in the USA it is not a huge leap to assume that you are more likely personality number two. It is this adventurous spirit that brought you to live so far from home. As personallity number two you will never be able to understand the bond that personallity number one has with home and family. One choice is not better than the other it is different. You needn't understand to respect.