So there.

This may not have been the authors fault, but I saw this column headlined on the sides as "The Myth of the Asian Fetish". All this column does is say that it's not statistically prevalent, or it's cancelled out by preferences for other races.

At any rate, it's definitely real. I wish it weren't. It's a terrible affliction. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that you prefer a woman just because of her race. Especially because people automatically assume that since I have it that I automatically make assumptions about them, putting them into subservient roles that I don't want them to go into. Not to mention it's incredibly inconvenient to find only %1.5 of the US population attractive.

I can't explain it. I wish it would go away, but it's definitely real. And it sucks.

> Not to mention it's incredibly inconvenient to find only %1.5 > of the US population attractive.

Do what my friend did. Move to Japan. Problem solved. Let the asian girls have a guilt for fetishizing you.

Me too! I'm a white male married to a Japanese. But, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm only attracted to Asian women. I'm attracted to all beautiful women.

The research sounds plausible. Women are more race sensitive about their partners. I think that's probably because women are the weaker sex and so racial fears (irrational but real) are stronger when it comes to a partner whereas fear is not so much of an issue with men because men don't fear becoming the victim of abuse.

I've always been attracted to Asian women. It's the hair, and the eyes. But then, I'm attracted to women of any ethnic group, provided they have long hair. And dark hair is a definite plus. And lovely dark eyes are good, as well. Although light grey can be striking.

Of course, the heart goes where it wants to, so I married a wonderful woman who isn't Asian, doesn't like to wear her hair long, and has blondish colored hair. :)

As an Asian woman, I just want to state that watchreader is the kind of man who makes me reluctant to date new people. He's the kind of man who makes me consider becoming a lesbian. And he's the kind of man who, if I were accidentally to go on a date with him, leaves me feeling tarnished and icky.

On the other hand, I have no problem with men who find many Asians attractive but are also turned on by other women of other races. That isn't what I'd consider a fetish.

> As an Asian woman...

> ...makes me consider becoming a lesbian.

You realize now that as potential asian lesbian you have attracted even more asian fetishis guys.

Well as I said, it's not exactly a condition that I'm proud of. Indeed it's the same ickyness that's the cause of a lot of self-loathing and shame (which I don't consider to be a bad thing, I've sen a lot of annoying white men who could use a little).

At the same time, what am I to do? Should I accept the condition as a sexual identity that I didn't choose and therefore isn't my fault, or should I consider it a disorder that should be denied for the good of racial-equality? I'm a little towards the former, but it's taken a long time for me to get there.

And even aside from that, why the ickyness? Traditionally it's because there's a lot of colonial undertones to the condition. The theory is that white men want asian women because they see them as weaker and therefore more easily manipulated. Or they see them as more child-like and they're secretly pedophiles (see Sheridan Prasso's "The Asian Mystique"). If I'm aware of these, and search my soul to find that these aren't the reasons why I have this condition, then how am I different than men who find Asians and others attractive?

Oh and one more thing, would this ickyness be present in an Asian man who's only attracted to Asian women?

I'd wonder what you find attractive about Asian women that you can't find in any other race. Or conversely, what do you find about non-Asian woman that makes them unattractive or undesirable.

I would not go so far as to say that a determination to only date people of one race is completely racist, but IMO it's close minded and self limiting (whether that race is your own or not). I wouldn't be attracted to an Asian man who would only date Asian women. If that was all he'd dated because those were the women who'd been around him his entire life, at work, at school, etc. I wouldn't have a problem with that, but I would have a problem with him saying- I will only date Asian women, ever, and I'm not at all open to dating anyone else.

I've found that if men say they aren't into submission (although some of them who claim they aren't really are, I've learned the hard way), then they generally want some sort of Asian culture to be included in the package. I don't speak an Asian language, I don't participate in Asian cultural practices and I don't want to. And I'm not going to start so that I can "share my heritage" with some douchebag. It's a culture full of patriarchalism and sexism, and all these fetish idiots just want to celebrate how unique and different it is, and they say they can take the good and ignore the bad, but I don't see them working to eradicate injustices in the culture they claim to love.

And they think what they're saying is some sort of compliment! Would you go up to a black lady, and without her saying a word, tell her that she looked exotic, ask her if she speaks African languages, and say that you just LOVE the appearance that black people have? Oh, you'd ASSUME that she's been an American her entire life and wouldn't appreciate being classified just by her race? Yeah, don't do me any favors.

Obviously these complaints are not all about you, but now you can see a little of what goes through women's minds when they don't want to be turned into a fetish.

All of these points are excellent. I did not mean to downplay the role of white, Asian-seeking douchebags in our society. I would never assume that a random Asian woman I see on the street is anything other than a random American woman. I wouldn't want her to start making me play off my German-American heritage, yodelling in urban streets and wearing Lederhosen, and I wouldn't expect such similarly silly displays of ethnic pride/identification from her. I've heard and read much about these complaints, and of course they are all valid and should be discussed.

My point was a little more basic. I don't understand why I only find Asians attractive. Indeed, I wish it were better understood, as it's very inconvenient! My point is that it's generally assumed that all men who are exclusively attracted to Asians are... well... sex-driven douchebags.

I make an analogy to homosexuality. Is it closed minded for a gay man to only want to date other men? Certainly there should be a female that he could relate to in terms of intellegence or interests. I wouldn't call gay men closed minded for wanting to have sex "just with men" though, because the attraction is more than just sexual. Gay men are attracted to men because of forces they can't control. Through no fault of their own, Gay men establish romantic connections with other men.

Similarly I've found (based on observed patterns, not because of some conscious exclusion) that the last, say... 10 women I've been attracted to (in terms of romantic desire, not sexual), all 10 of them have happened to be Asian. I can't control it, yet automatically (based on your first post) I'm assumed to be a dominant racist douchebag, before you even listened to the rest of what I had to say. I don't fault you for it. Statistically I'm likely to be a douchebag.

On the other hand, I guess I should present full disclosure. I am interested in Asian culture, with specifics to Japan and China (but mostly Japan). I speak Japanese, study Chinese and Japanese history in my spare time, and following the other guys in this thread, will probably spend a good deal of time in Japan. All of this time studying has lead me to see first hand the kind of behavior that you've mentioned, and some other extra racist behavior that I've seen white people do behind Asian's backs. It's also lead me to see some pretty horrific things that have been done in Asia, and wrongs modern Chinese and Japanese society that need to be corrected (especially with gender issues). My studies, however, make it especially awkward talking to Asian American women because it's automatically assumed that since these are my interests, than I think that they are interested in the same things because of their race. Knowing that this assumption will be made about me, I often conceal it, because it's completely irrelevant to who they are.

Err... I guess my point is that I understand where you're coming from. I'm certainly aware of what stupid White men do, and I don't want to be them. If I meet someone in America who happens to be Asian, I don't assume any cultural ties. At the same time for reasons I can neither control nor comprehend, I find myself attracted to Asian women, no matter what their cultural background or interests are. Yet because of this condition, assumptions are going to be made about who I am and what I'm into that are kind of hurtful. How do you escape from something like that?

watchreader- As a guy who's been through a period of being extremely attracted to asian woman I would just say - Calm down, man! You're only going to freak more women out with all this self-loathing analysis (Clara, I can understand how you feel)

Libidos are funny things and people get really turned on by things they can't control (although I don't think this is biological, like homosexuality). As long as you don't act like a creep or spout some crap about Asian mystique,femininity, etc. I wouldn't feel so ashamed. A bit embarrassed maybe but hey, personally I grew up in one of the whitest parts of the country and had just never seen so many asian women as in college. It's just one of those things in life. I've dated women from other ethnic backgrounds, and I've seen people be really impressed that I would date a black or arab woman, instead of just white women. I've also met black women who could scarcely conceive of dating a white man. There's all kinds out there, just try to keep a level head and not rule anyone out, even if your turn-ons lean a certain way.

Watchreader, at least you're honest about it. As a white female who was in a long-term relationship with a self-declared "Asian fetishist", I'd say it's best to go for what you really want. Y'know, whatever floats your boat. (Within reason, of course.)

It probably wouldn't be fair to any non-Asian girl to date her while you still have this preference. The guy I was with was the "all kinds of women are beautiful, but I REALLY prefer Asian women" type. I was fine with it for a while... but eventually it got under my skin. I wanted to be what he wanted, but obviously that's a futile attempt, since nobody can change their genetics. I felt like an anorexic, except I was never Asian enough, instead of never skinny enough. Every woman wants to feel like her man truly desires her. In going for a woman that you aren't completely attracted to, you're being unfair to her as well as yourself.

I draw the line at anime girls, though. =P

Thank you, Seeker.

I think kurtosis also misses the point a bit too. It's not something that just came to me and that I need to be "open minded" about. Indeed, it would be as if a straight man (kurtosis?) woke up one morning and just decided to chill, relax, and start dating men because he had an "open mind." It's something I've felt a lot of things about over many years of my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. It's great that kurtosis could get over it and be attracted to other girls (and boys?), but I can't. And it certainly won't go away if I just ignore the "crap" about the Asian mystique, indeed that'll definitely make the problem worse. It seems that the solution is to learn what I can about it and try to factor as much of what I learn in as I can. And obviously, if I date a girl I should listen as hard as I can to what she wants and how she feels, which is a given in any relationship.

In the end I've accepted it as part of who I am, but it was a long struggle. I think it was a good struggle, and in many ways I'm glad it was a struggle because it means I looked at the consequences of my actions. But it still kind of strikes a nerve whenever the topic comes up due to people's prejudices about the subject.

And anime anything is creepy =P

Ah, I actually didn't have to assume that you were a dominant racist douchebag in my first post. You're still the kind of man who makes me dread dating new people. It's enough that you only want to date Asian women to be a turn off to me. Furthermore, you say that you find yourself attracted to Asian women no matter what their interests are. That raises a huge red flag. It makes you sound as if you think the only thing a woman needs to be compatible with you is being Asian. You don't care that she shares none of your interests with you, including your strong interest in Asian culture?

I don't think that a couple needs to share every interest and spend 100% of their time together. But if my boyfriend was very interested in something that took a lot of his free time and attention, I'd want to be involved, especially if it included travel. Of course I'm willing to travel anywhere for short vacations, but if he's going to be spending "a good deal of time" in another country, then it had better be a place that we're both interested in. That also rules out most Asian fetishists, including yourself.

And yeah, never, ever use the phrase "Asian mystique", or you will look like a huge idiot. It's right up there with "exotic".

I'm curious how it turned out between you and the Asian women you've been attracted to. Were they interested in you? Were they Westernized? Why didn't it work out? Of course you don't have to answer, since those are rather personal questions, but it seems that you're classifying women too much by race and too little by personality. I hope not, but nothing you've said has indicated otherwise.

Clara:

You're still the kind of man who makes me dread dating new people.

That's why you should try dating old people. Let someone else have to break in the new people. :)

Sorry, but it was such an obvious joke, I couldn't control myself. :)

But seriously, I always thought of myself as having an Asian Fetish, because I am so attracted to Asian women. But then my girlfriend pointed out that the attraction wasn't so much towards Asian women, but towards long, dark hair and dark eyes. And even the dark hair and eyes part wasn't set in stone. She pointed out that I'd dated redheads, blondes, brunettes, Asian, White, Black, Italian, Hispanic...really, the only thing common among them all was that they all had long hair. (I wish I could say that they were all incredibly intelligent, but when I was in my early twenties, the only thing I cared about was if she was hot. So, while I've dated mostly intelligent, witty women, I have to admit that there were a few who could be outwitted by toast.) Then she told me about some of the guys who had pursued her. (She's Vietnamese.) After hearing about a few of those fellows, I realized that I was a looooong way from a fetish for Asian women.

Hey, I didn't coin (or use, actually) the term Asian Mystique, that's a book title on the subject. I guess I can't even bring up reference subjects without looking like an idiot.

And I'm fine with you raising red flags. Believe it or not, I'm not actually trying to date you through the fray :). I'm merely presenting my perspective on the matter. And that perspective is that the Asian fetish is not monolithic nor purely sexual in nature. Whether I, personally, am undatable or creepy is a bit beside the point. The point is that I do find it a bit disturbing that the condition is grounds for judgment in itself. Furthermore, I'm more content with being labled as undatable or creepy after I've gotten my point across, which I have.

As for histories and thoughts of compatibility, I think it's a bit too personal to get into detail here in the forums, but I'd be willing to talk to you elsewhere about it. The short answer is that I don't date. I'm 22 and I've never been in a real relationship. Dating is almost completely an abstract concept to me, and I'm fine with that. Since relationships don't really exist, the question of "compatibility" is kind of irrelevant when discussing attraction.

The lack of history is something I can see as adequate grounds to raise a red flag. Again, I'd be willing to give a complete history of my romantic interests and the varying westernization levels thereof, just not here. In the meantime I can do my best to answer any questions you may have.