Did you see the Slate video cast on the guy who asked what to do about the open condom wrapper found in his wife's purse? Yeesh--Emily, I really have to take issue with the advice on this one--just getting over it is a recipe for disaster.

I’m sorry, but the guy is married with young children and finds an empty condom wrapper in his wife’s purse—he (minimally) has a right to know what’s going on. You begin by assuming the worst case scenario and that his wife cheated on him and then proceed to state that because there’s no further evidence of infidelity he should DROP IT? Here’s a thought—maybe she just got better at covering her tracks, or maybe it did blow in from the freeway, through an open window and land in her purse as she posits. Maybe she’ll solve Fermat’s theorem while driving, but the odds are against it.

The fact that her immediate positions are 1) the wind blew it in the car (the infidelity equivalent of the dog ate my homework—if that had really happened do you want to run a probability study on the odds of it breezing into her purse?!) or that a co-worker put it there, but in either event you missed the far more alarming issue here.

The REAL issue is that she’s unwilling to discuss it insisting that his trust in her fidelity be absolute despite very compelling evidence to the contrary. This 1) speaks to an abusive level of control need in the relationship and 2) the fact that she’s been unwilling to address it for a year speaks to a lack of communication that spells the death knell of that relationship sooner or later.

Further, you rightly point out that there are young children involved—all the more reason to resolve this in therapy and work on communication trust and control issues. There is virtually no possibility of a loving and nurturing environment for these kids to grow up in with that level of communication and controlling behavior in a relationship. It is precisely because of the presence of young children that he has a responsibility to ensure clear and honest communication in the marriage to create a healthy and balanced relationship to model for the children.

Infidelity is frequently a deal breaker in marriage—it can be overcome if both parties are willing to address it and move past it, but there has to be that communication or they’re fooling themselves and modeling unhealthy behavior for the children.

If there’s no infidelity than she should have no qualms about working through the trust issues and improving communication in the marriage. If she’s unwilling to do that then it’s a question of when, not if, this blows up in his face and in the interim the relationship dynamics modeled are harmful ones.

Seriously—if the positions were reversed would you counsel the wife to simply get over it? For the sake of the children—as if that’s in their best interests? Typically you counsel therapy when a partner is caught internet surfing erotica and “emotional affairs” with internet relationships—why the lower standard in the face of more concrete evidence that the relationship fundamentals have been breached?

Oh—and the easy pass line comes across as just insensitive rather than cute. Evidence of infidelity is like finding termite holes in the walls of your home. Address it and find out what it is and take the necessary measures or face the devastating consequences later. It won’t go away or get better by ignoring it.

Letter writer—if you’re reading this—insist on therapy and addressing these issues. If your wife refuses, hire a private investigator and a good lawyer—those would be sad steps to take but the refusal to address it and insistence on your blind trust is too much to ask for given the circumstances and she ought to be willing to work on both the communication and control issues. If she’s not—for you and for the children—you need to address that yourself lest those children model the same sort of relationship dynamic.

so ridiculous. i think these video things are stupid anyhow because how man of us aren't allowed flashplayer at work, but... i agree with you on all counts. not a big stretch here. i can't imagine anyone making a logical argument that it's okay to just ignore this problem (an emotional one, sure. but logic? no.).

but i'm always surprised when people do not bring up the subject of disease. it's not like having an affair is something that just emotionally wounds, it's also something that can damage you physically... forever. unfortunately, we still live in a world where a lot of people do not use protection on a regular basis. or they usually use it but if you supposedly got so caught up that you had an affair and couldn't stop yourself (a lame excuse i never buy), then there's a very good chance you got so caught up that you didnt bother with a condom. why else would we have all the baby mama drama on maury every day?! ;)

seriously, though, i've heard stories of or from so many people who tell how they caught some disease from their cheating SO and it bothers me that this doesn't concern more people when they think of cheating. Is it because we're not seeing the horrible AIDs deaths we once did? Is it because they still arent educating the kids about STDs enough in the public schools?

I can't view it at work either & don't have time at home.

her excuse was a co-worker left it in her purse????

Is she shagging the co-worker? What other reason could there be for the co-worker to put in in her purse?

I hope the hubby investigates this & if she is cheating, he should kick her ass out, get tested for STD's, sue for custody of the kids & also sue her for child support.

I think nobody talks about disease for two reasons.

One, it has been talked about to death. Everybody understands it. There is nothing left to add. It doesn't mean it isn't a concern, it just means that you don't have to bring it up all the time. It's kinda like telling your 30 year old kid to check both ways when crossing the street, after a while you can assume you can stop saying it.

Second, disease is a very practical important concern. But if you've ever been cheated on, it certainly isn't the pressing concern on your mind. Your heart is breaking. You have to fix / get through that that first before you start to worry about that genital itching.

I despair of anything getting through to this couple. They don't seem terribly bright to me. Her lame excuses and his paralysis in the face of evidence proves only that neither is fit to raise an ant farm, let alone children.

Sigh. Then again, maybe they deserve each other? Prudie's "advice" is as lame as ever, of course. Ignoring a problem in hopes that it will go away is the sort of "Lie back and think of England" mentality that she is becoming famous for.

(Seriously, how are you?)

See, maybe I am just weird, but my first thought when I found out I had been cheated on was to go and get tested. I pointedly, and with great dramatics, went to the clinic. I announced the results in front of peopekl that would embarass him and just in general was a bitch about the whole testing.

He got a taste of hwta I felt, embarassed and hurt, because he insisted that he had used condoms every time. But you can't really accept the word of a cheater. And then, when I found out I was clean, I dumped him. If I had something I would have made him pay for the treatments.

SusanM:

It's kinda like telling your 30 year old kid to check both ways when crossing the street, after a while you can assume you can stop saying it.

My kids aren't 30 yet, but are fast approaching it.

I still tell them to be careful, wear your seatbeat, don't forget your vitamins & floss your teeth. I'm not sure if I will ever stop telling them these things.

She really did. I suppose if you’re inclined to make lemonade out of lemons you can point to the fact that at least they were using a condom, but yes—the disease issue is a significant one.

More to the point in my mind is the advice overlooks both the control issues and the communication issues while looking past what is pretty damn convincing evidence of a deal breaker. That’s no way to live a marriage. And if it is innocent (yeah, and I’m a virgin) then there should be no issue minimally addressing the poor communication and control needs that stipulate blind trust in fidelity when confronted with apparent misconduct. Yeesh. What was she thinking?

You could attribute his paralysis to the shock of his discovery, except that the passage of time kind of negates that possibility. Still, he could still be in shock.

She's obviously lying, but if it's been a year the affair may have burnt out already. She's moved on to the next one, and maybe this one's had a vasectomy.

OK, three things. Cheaters always lie about their cheating. Big things, small things, it doesn't matter. They lie.

Right back atcha Messy…

I’m around kiddo—just insanely busy. New job, wife is eight months along with the twins who are scheduled to be born via C-section on 11/21 and I’m traveling, building a business vertical, trying to get the nursery ready and keep my wife relatively sane while she’s on a sugar restricted diet. (Yeah, you try it—no alcohol, no carbs, no ice cream. She’s fit to be tied and feels like she’s bigger now than she was when she delivered Charley… because… ummm… she is. Not that I’d ever say that. I’m not crazy ;)

Listen, I’m all for trying to work through the storms but that kind of presupposes that you’re at least aware of the weather. Somebody here needs a clue (besides Prudie I mean) and if this guy is smart he’ll start with the PI and gather evidence and then get a lawyer of Thrasymachus’ caliber (you do NOT want to mess with that guy) and get custody of the kids.

I’m not so sure that he’s not fit—it’s tough for a Dad to walk out—he knows his chances of getting the kids and access to them are slim unless he’s really got the goods on her. Give him a chance to reflect on the behavior being modeled and to get a bearing. At least he’s acknowledging he’s not over it and contemplating what to do.

I’m pretty well thanks for asking. Check in with me in a month when the twins are up all night ;)

Oy, but the dumbness factor is just amazing, isn't it? I swear some people should have "sucker" tattooed someplace obvious. She's a bad liar, he's a nitwit....a match made in heaven?

Kinda makes you want to give them both a shake and send them to bed without dinner.

WANT to get caught? it seems like if you truly wanted to carry on an affair and have noone know, it wouldn't be that had to carry it out without getting caught. The stupid mistakes the cheater makes ( like an empty condom wrapper in a purse... i mean, really?) seem to indicate that they already hold the initial relationship in disdain, so, aren't they just seeking a passive way to end the relationship? (well, excluding the ones that honestly think they should be able to have their cake and eat it too)

if it's been a year since this happened, well, he obviously doesn't want to face things. i've had friend's whose SOs have cheated on them, they were fairly certain about the evidence like in this case, but because of not wanting to deal with it which led to self delusion, they ended up staying. from there it becomes predictable. the cycle continues and eventually the relationship implodes. but you can't make someone face a situation they don't want to face.

do the poor kids deserve THEM????

Blonde - that is a very heartwarming, mom thing to do. But honestly, do you think they really chose to floss their teeth or not depending on you telling them? Hopefully by almost 30 they have their own opinions on flossing their teeth :)

I know, they should be old enough to know about flossing their teeth. Possibly why they roll their eyes are me.