Prudie was much too permissive and indulgent. Girl should NOT be totally exempt from helping her disabled mother around the house -- especially in light of her father's wholehearted cooperation. What on earth kind of character would mother be building if she asked NOTHING of the girl! Plenty of students (a) work (b) study and (c) help raise siblings! Girl should absolutely be required to do some small task(s) if only as a symbolic gesture. Mopping and dusting are NOT big deals!

Prudie must be joking right....When I was 17, my sisters and I, ALL had responsibilites around the house..It was expected and guess what, it certainly didn't kill us, nor did it affect our fun and social festivities....Everything was prioritized. Housework first...fun after. Also it established how I did my housework ....and how to do housework in my older years.

Unfortunately, I did not stress this with my own daughter, who acts like she is a guest in OUR home rather that participating in it's up-keep. This is the price you pay, when prorities aren't stressed.. Sooner or later someone pays the price. Due to MY slacking, my daughter doesn't feel the need to clean or have any idea how to even boil water...Yes I know it is my fault, if I could only go back in time.....

I could be the letter writer. 7 yrs ago I injured my back and after emergency surgery I was left disabled and in constant pain. We have 4 kids, all teenagers now. They never had much in the way of chores growing up (major!! Mistake on our parts) so when it became apparent I would no longer be able to even keep up with daily activities we sat them down and asked them to start helping out. Our oldest is a girl and was the most difficult to get to help out. We fought back and forth for 5 yrs trying to get her to at least do her “share” (which consisted of one room each per day, kitchen, living room, game room, bathroom/hallway). It became impossible once she got a job to even get her to clean up after herself and friends (putting dishes in sink, pick up garbage etc). As time went on my disability became worse and while the boys were always more then willing to help whenever they saw me struggling to sweep the floor or take on extra work that their sister neglected, our daughter became more and more resentful of us “daring” to ask her to help out around the house (since she worked and was a straight A student). It became nothing but a battleground the last yr when my dh was deployed and I needed even more help. By the time my dh returned from his deployment our daughter “hated us” and was on her way out. (At 17 a child is considered an ‘adult” in our state and can move out without parents permission). It was heart breaking realizing I raised such a selfish child who had little compassion (not just for the pain I was going through but even for her brothers who took on so much since she was unwilling). I blame ourselves for not making the kids help out more when they were little. Until my injury I always said I would never make them do chores (other then a monthly cleaning of their rooms) because I wanted them to just enjoy and focus on being a child. What an idiot I was. My only reassurance is knowing at least my 3 boys have learned a valuable life lesson and are better people for it. They will also be more prepared for living on their own when they are ready, unlike our daughter who after almost a yr of being on her own still struggles to learn to boil water, multi task and fully understand what being an adult entails. I do give her credit for not giving up but I do worry just how much that one mistake will continue to affect her life as she matures. I do regret that the last yr she was at home was wasted on so much bickering and hard feelings especially since that is probably how she will always now think back on her childhood as. I also fight very hard to keep not only myself but my dh and other kids from resenting her for not stepping up while she was here and for as my boys call it “bailing” on the family and always putting herself 1st.

I agree, Prudie is way off base on this one. The girl has a responsibilty to her family who have cared for her for the past 17 years! But, if she is too busy to physically help around the house then let her pay rent. she doesn't have to pay alot, just enough for her parents to be able to afford to pay a cleaning lady to come in once or twice a week for an hour or two for some light housekeeping. That way the parents aren't fussing at her everytime she comes in the door and she is still contributing to the household in a possitive way. Plus, this will teach her responsibilty for when she enters the "real" world. If she doesn't like paying rent to her parents and if she refuses to help in any way, then tell her to move in with those friends of hers that she so desperately wants to spend time having fun with, if they will have her. No one wants to be mooched off of or taken advantage of, and it's time she realized that life is not about doing what she wants to do, many times its about doing what she needs to do. And it's about helping others in their time of need so that they will be willing to help her in her time of need!

ppamela,

That was very well said. I hope Prudie reads responses like yours and rethinks her advice a little.

I totally agree here. If you aren't going to work at keeping the house clean, then pay rent so that we can hire someone to clean.

As kids we all had our chores to do. When we didn't do them we didn't get our allowance. No allowance meant that we couldn't buy the things we wanted. It didn't take us long to get the hint. Mowing the lawn, hoeing the garden, carrying water, sweep/mop/vacuum and dusting didn't kill us and we all learned to cook as soon as we were big enough to look over the edge of the stove. And our dishwasher was on the end of our wrists and didn't require electricity.

It sounds, however that the LW was a clean freak before her disability. Dusting and sweeping every day is a bit much to expect of anybody, yet alone a 17 yo.

I LOVE this idea to have the daughter pay for a cleaning service.

i dont think thats neccesary, but i know what happened to me is at that age i wasnt given ANY money, not for books, food, gas... so instead of making her feel like she is being taken advantage of by her parents, just stop giving her money and make her figure out how to manage it, she does have a job.