So many responses to the article, but perhaps as the one who wrote Prudie initially, I can shed more light on the subject at hand, I was only trying to describe some of the things since to type everything going on would have taken the entire column. First off, the daughter did have assigned chores up unitl a year ago, at which point in time, she started working and I took up some of the slack so she could better concentrate on her school and saving for her college, (about this time I began noticing that the constant pain I was feeling in my lower back was getting worse) however, she decided that it was time she started going out more and more with her friends and I tried to rein her back in to help more around the house, which she doesn't want to do because it will interfere with her new fun life style. Second, I am not OCD, however, my husband and I own a farm and live out in the country on dirt roads, so the dust builds up on a daily basis. He works a job in town, comes home and does farm work on top of helping out in the house. He does not expect a beer and supper ready when he gets done working, which is funny, since he is the one who comes home and fixes the meal, as well as cleaning up afterwards. (So please don't bash him, he is a wonderful man who is trying his best in a bad situation.) Secondly, I am not sure how many of you understand what farm living is all about, but I can tell you that it tends to make a house very dirty if not kept up on. I should also point out that I do some chores, like when my husband does the laundry, he will bring the dried clothes to my so I can fold them, than he puts them away afterwards, and on days when I am able to get up and move, albeit slowly, I clean the bathrooms(thank God for the new Mr. Clean products and various other ones that help make things easier) However, due to the degenerative nature of my disease and the constant pain I am in, after doing those few chores, I am unable to continue with anything more and once again relegated to the bed.

Also, I am sure all of you have spilled something at least once and it needed to be wiped up or mopped up, given whatever was spilled, not to mention the tracking in of mud, dirt and, well, let's just say that some unpleasant things get dragged in on the feet from different areas of the farm. The main point I was trying to get some clarity on, was in how to help my daughter to understand that even though I took up some of her slack a year ago, when I was still able to do so, now I am not and our family should come first after her school work and not be placed before her friends.

As a former teen girl, I can understand her need to be out having fun with her friends, and do not deny her that joy, however, when I was her age, I was going to school, working full time and on top of that helping take care of the housework at home with three younger siblings as well, and still found time after my busy schedule to hang with friends and do fun things on the weekends. I am not wanting her to do all of those tasks at once, however, feel that doing one here or there is not unreasonable to ask or expect.

And lastly, I and my husband are proud people, I do not want, nor do I expect to use any social services to help out at this time, I do not feel that at this point in time they are needed and would be waste of money. I am able to get to the bathroom, and my husband helps me shower in the evenings and I use a wheelchair to get around inside the house. I plan on trying to remain as independent as possible for as long as I can. Also, to those who think I should hire a maid let me tell you this, I can't afford to hire one. I am not sure where you all are working and living, but you must make a lot more money than my family does, because we barely make ends meet even with the full time job and farming, and lets just say that the doctor doesn't come cheap, nor do the medications used to combat the pain and nerve damage.

I am not asking for handouts, and never will. I also would like to inform all of you that when I was diagnosed with this crippling disease and that I would have to depend on others or even have to quit my job and apply for disability benefits, it was heartbreaking and yes depressing. So I guess what I am saying is that someday, you may be in my position, whether it's an illness that forces you to quit your job and rely on social security handouts, or an accidental injury that forces you to rely on others to help out. Before you start judging me or others like me, put yourselves in our shoes, sit down in the wheel chair and push yourself around with your arms for a day to discover what it feels like. Sincerely, DDD

I think your husband, even from the original letter, sounds like a saint, so I don't know why you'd think we'd bash him. One question, however. What do you plan to do when daughter leaves home soon? Ask her to pull her weight now, such as not leaving dirty dishes lying around or making you do her laundry, but you need to start finding a way to wean yourself of whatever help she DOES provide.

My youngest left for college this semester. We are learning how much he DID do, that we never even noticed. Just as he learned how much I do around here while I was gone for a week. And we both learned how much my husband does when he was laid up.

Whoever said she may just not want to deal with your illness emotionally may be dead on. Maybe you could speak to her school guidance counsellor for assistance in breaking that barrier.

"put yourselves in our shoes, sit down in the wheel chair and push yourself around with your arms for a day to discover what it feels like"

I have and still do when needed as my SLE progresses. I found similar comprimises with the kids and my spouses so that things did get done but really I gave up stressing over it. I really haven't seen anything indicating that anyone adressed the fact that your daughter appears reacting to being overwhelmed? That from her persepctive she sees what little perceived normal teen childhood sliping from her hands and envys her friends with mroe freedom? Therapy seems to prepare everyone for the disease and death but never for the mundane domestics and how those dynamics change.

Thank you for clarifying.

I wish all the best to you & hope your health improves.

"put yourselves in our shoes, sit down in the wheel chair and push yourself around with your arms for a day to discover what it feels like"

Maybe ask your daughter to do that to understand why you are asking her to help out more.

Oh, and one more thing to add, I do not expect her to clean it the way I used to clean it up. If she would just do some cleaning, any cleaning, I would appreciate it more than anything. When she used to help out around the house, I let her clean her way and thanked her for it, even rewarded her by taking her out to eat, or getting an ice cream or a pop. I didn't go behind her and do it "my" way because I felt it wasn't clean enough or whatever. I was just thankful that she seemed to be learning the basics and realized that as she got older, she would establish her own routine in her own place. But now she won't do anything.

Thanks for filling in some of the background information - those of us who spend time here often wonder about the rest of the story.

One thing I would like to say to you (after all, you're here for advice, right?) is that "help" is not always "handout". It's hard for proud people who have always taken care of themselves to accept help (and I'm from the Midwest, I completely get the farm home and farm work ethic), I understand that.

What you might want to consider is that some people like to help their fellow humans. Some people consider it an awesome privilege to be able to give of themselves to others. So by accepting help, you are not taking advantage of unneccesary handouts - you're participating in an exchange of grace.

Part of that could be becoming an adult. Even kids without an ill parent often revert to more childish ways in one form or another, because becoming an independent adult frightens them. She has the added burden of facing the possibility that you won't be around for years to come, to help her with that transition.

Still, it wouldn't be out of line to tell her she's now responsible for certain necessary tasks, a reasonable amount, and ask hubby to just quit doing them. Let her see what happens when people don't pull their weight. And learn to ignore the muddy floor or whatever, till she decides to do it.

Hi DDD, I am prudie. Do you always refer to her as "the daughter?"

Sincerely

Prudie

...really. an eye opener for me was when mature, good people were convinced that I posted under two different id's, one as a woman and one as a man. then another accused me of stalking her, because i responded to one of her posts that flamed me, and then one that had nothing to do with either her or me.

unfortunately, you have not gotten any real advice here. not even me. i do have a request though. please please please make it clear to folks who think eliminating social security is a great idea, exactly what this program does for americans, all americans, and good americans like your family and the survivors of our heros that gave their lives in the military serving their country.

sometimes, when you're strong and proud, and good, people dont see the human side of you. maybe if your daughter saw you cry, and understood your human needs, she would come around. but kids live in their own world, caught up in their own things, it's not easy to get through to them. persistence helps. keep asking her, and give her reasosn. basidcally what you've been doing, just more of it.

first, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

this really may be something you need to discuss with the counselor depending on how you think your daughter will react. is she in that teen phase where they flounce around, declare "that's not fair" and don't listen to you just because you're the parents? or is she a bit more sensitive than tha?. If she's the sensitive type, just sitting down and really explaining the situation that you, your husband and the household as a whole are in may be enough. telling her that you understand how she is feeling but that these are things that need to be dealt with and that you are feeling overwhelmed as well. try to instill some empathy in her. If you don't think you can have that kind of discussion, then perhaps an intermediary is necessary. this should be done for her sake as well as you and your husband's. It's awful to look back and know you treated your parent's badly at a time when they needed you the most....

all the best.

Dear You Are DDD,

I'll believe you are DDD when I see a Slate Icon and Emily's name in here somewhere verifying this. Sorry- "Trust, but verify" is a worthy motto.

I am dying to know what you think about Earnhardt's new team.

I truly hope the best for you and your family.

I also hope that a compromise can be reached. I live in the Midwest, as another poster does as well, and I understand the idea of constant upkeep in the country setting.

I also had amother who has a very serious, uncurable disease that constantly puts limits on what she can do. And she still needs to explain occasionally to a family memeber, not always the same one, what that means. That there are just some days she can't do what she did yesterday, or will tomorrow.

One thing, please do not think too badly of the posters here. the letter was short and left a lot open. So we go on based on what we know.

However, it does sound like some outside will be needed at some point it time. Maybe that could be the opening to talking with your daughter. Sitting down as a family and telling them that eventually you will need someone here to help you all day. Or that when she leaves for college, someone will have to come in to do what she did and what you can't any longer do. That may open her eyes as to what she can do now, to make the coming situation easier to bear.

Hi DDD, first off want to say my prayers are with you. My mom has had cancer for almost ten years now, so I have at least a small of idea of what it's like to struggle with an illness - when one person gets it, the whole family does. I admire you for your courage and your desire to cope with it on your own, and I admire your husband for the grace he's handling this with. I do wish your daughter would do more to help you, but she's at an age when we're all pretty self-centered. I do think she'll have regrets later on, but you can't force her to do anything. Working with counselors more is a good idea though, I think.

That said, I agree with with bright_virago says above. A lot of people derive so much satisfaction out of helping those in need. So many of us volunteer because it makes us feel good to know that we have helped ease the burden of someone who already has so much on their shoulders. I don't think you should eliminate that as an option. Let me ask you this, if you knew someone in the same situation that you're in, but you were the one who was physically able to help them - would you refuse to? Would you begrudge them needing your help? Or would you gladly help them, and feel satisfaction and feel better about yourself, that you were able to make someone else's life a little easier?

I won't go into my whole philosophy on life, but it boils down to this: I think we're put on this earth to give and receive love, and to ease the lives of those who aren't as fortunate as us, or who are struggling with their particular burdens. Please, don't let your pride keep you from letting someone else do what they feel is their responsibility, their joy, their calling.

By letting them help you, you would be helping them.

Prudie,

I hadn't realized I was referring to her as the daughter. I was just trying to keep her anonymous. To me, she is my daughter, who can be loving, caring and the light of both her parents life. I know she is having a hard time adjusting to all of this, and I guess, after reading so many posts, I was not fully understanding how difficult this is for her as well. I have tried so hard not to fall into the deep mirey pit of hopelessness or to push my feelings off on her to worry her more. I guess that is one of the reasons why I haven't really stepped up to the plate and grounded or taken things away from her for not doing what is asked of her. In know way was I trying to insinuate that she is an uncaring child, I know she has a big heart and this is probably tearing her up inside. I guess it's time to stop wallowing in my own self pity and start stepping up to the plate again and at least finding my way back to being the mother I was awhile back. Thank you all for the support and prayers. Sometimes it just takes getting a different outlook from others to help you see through the closed door of a darkened room.

don't be a stranger. keep up with the posts & join our very dysfunctional family.