Think pendulum. When your daughter was young, say between 1 and 12, she was a delight. No? Moments of pure joy. However, the universe being what it is, there must be a counterreaction. For girls, it's their teenage years, and maybe beyond (see Dear Mofo). Unfortunately something happens to teenage brains that causes them to be scrambled. What, exactly, reaserch hasn't proven yet, but that it's a hardware problem, not your programming, has been established without a benefit of a doubt. At this point, she's going to make you pay in frustration currency for every dustbunny collected. You can alienate them, or you can go with the flo, I think. If someone does provide you with the magic solution, please do report back on this forum, in capital letters please because I still have my teenage ADD.

most excellent post!

I am a 18 year old girl and I do not think that our brains have been how did you put it "Scrambled" to bring something up with a teenager may be scary to some but really its easy. Don't force things upon them don't force oppions, views and beliefs, most likely we will reject them if forced. Sit down in a calm environment ask them if they would like a drink and calmly sit down to discuss whatever issue you have. If they get mad tell them that its important to you that they hear or if all else fails do what my mum does to us...... Makes us feel guilty for not listening and now my mum has 4 TEENAGE girls and one TEENAGE boy all over the age of 15 so my mum must be doing something right. No Doubt we rebel but structure from a young age is a good thing even though we had anything but structure in our early lives. Take interest in your childrens views talk about your own while all the time remaining CALM!!!!!

If so, then either you are still in school or you just finished school. Do you remember something they may have taught you about in junior high, called a "run-on sentence"? It makes your post very difficult to read. This isn't text messaging. Please use the education you spent so long receiving and read your posts before hitting the "post" button. (Yes, I do say similar things to older posters as well.)

Your post had value, but most people won't bother deciphering it. Incidentally, your brain won't finish developing physically for a few more years, so don't be insulted that older people consider people your age to be immature.

I know I'm going to hear all sorts of replies that I don't understand because I don't have a teenage daughter, which I don't. I'm also going to hear that I'm insensitive and I'm encouraging alienation of this "sweet" young teenaged girl. I believe letting this sort of behavior go unchecked is much worse than that possibility, so here's my reply.

I can't believe Dear Prudence's response! ! Teenager or not this is an incredibly selfish and uncaring girl, and all this talk of going with the flow and not alienating her is just validating this behavior. It sounds to me that this girl was given a free ride most of her life, and now that the parents need her help, she thinks it's "unfair"! Well is it fair that Mom got sick, and that Dad has to pick up the slack? How much fun do you think they're having?

This princess needs to be taught some very real lessons, or she'll keep repeating this unacceptable behavior throughout her life. The improtant thing is not that she refuse to help, the important thing is that she thinks it's alright to ignore everyone else's wants and needs. She seems to think only she matters, and her desires are important. This is the attitude of a five year old. This has to be changed

It seems to me it's time for some tough love. Here's what I would do. The daughter is working, so she shows at least the rudiments of maturity. As of now, if she's not already ( and my guess is not), have her start paying for room and board. Insist, not suggest, that she take on some of the chores and set undesireable (to her, at least) consequences if she does not comply . Then let her know who the parents are and STAND FIRM!

If she doesn't do her laundry, do not do it for her. She can wear smelly clothes. If she doesn't help with the meals, let her use HER money to eat out. If she doesn't contribute financially, refuse her access to the TV, phone and computer. Start off small and escalate the situation with each refusal. Whatever the circumstances, if she refuses to contribute to the good of her family, refuse to allow her to partake in the benefits.

She needs to learn two important lessons. One is that families need to stick together, because there is nothing more important in life, and two is that there are consequences to every decision she'll make in life, both good and bad.

A good hard dose of reality would do wonders here. She's old enough, she can deal with it!

While understandable that your house being cleaned is a big issue to you, it is not to your daughter. You commented that you are upset with your daughter for her being selfish and not cleaning the house. Please read that line again.

To be really honest, it seems that you are the one who is being a bit selfish. Rather than saying okay- I am now disabled (which is terrible) what can I personally do- you are trying to have other people fulfill your desires. By the sounds of it, it does not seem as if you are simply suggesting or greatfully requesting these actions. You sound like you believe it is owed to you.

People have children to bring up good citizens in this world. They do not have children to control their actions so that they are a second machine that reports to them.

To be really honest, your daughter has school, work and then homework and exams to study for. I don't blame her whatsoever for not wanting to clean the house. It just is not important to her at this point. And by the sounds of it, you seem as if you are giving her an extra 15 hours of work a week.

If your housekeeping is really that important, then you should seek housekeeping. Ask your husband and your daughter for a contribution to get one to come in once every two weeks or something like that. Or if you are that keen on your daughter actually doing the work, discuss "employing her." This way she can quit her job and have pocket money too. Both of your needs would be met then.

Alas teens can be confusing; Think back to when you were a teen and how you wanted to be treated. I was a foster child and I was part of a teen counseling group I often was the one giving advice to teens about how to handle situation with their parents. One day one of them said, "You know we keep getting all our advice from you instead of the psychiatrist maybe you should be a counselor." Even the psychiatrist said the same thing. I also have had teens who are other peoples children (with permission) live with me.

Now here I am on the Adult end giving advice to both teens and adults, for whatever its worth here it goes.

Teens are confusing because they are confused themselves, they distance themselves from family and friends because they are unsure of what questions to ask or are afraid to ask because they may be stifled, yelled at or grounded. The are being torn at by the world of childhood and the world of adulthood they are in a word Pre-Adults, we expect them to act like adults but treat them like children? Then adults say to them If you act like and adult I will treat you like one. I tell you this is a sabotage You can not expect some one to act like what they have never been. And if they are not acting like adults then you have no one to blame but the teacher because that is your job. As adults we are to teach our children how to behave but we have to do it in advance for instance if they are 12 you should be preparing them to be adults. If you tell them no or yes tell them why, I tell my son (who's 12) "No you cant go to your friends, because His mother is now going to work and school and she may be trying to study and all of you making noise may disturb her let me call first." Then if I have to still say no he understands the courtesy of why and not just because mom says so. Then hopefully when he goes to college and he wants to go to his friends house he may not go knowing his friend may have to study.

So, Trust has to be established. First Trust yourself that you have raised them with the knowledge to make the right decisions. Then trust them to make "Their Own Mistakes" be a bystander stay "out side of the lesson" easier explained, think of it like the game "WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?" You can not help them till they use a life line. Just let them know you are not going to be involved in their decisions unless they need you. Tell them that doesn't mean you are not going to be involved in their life, give your "opinion" or "advice" nor does it mean you are not watching but you are going to let them choose whether they follow it or not. You are going to trust them to make the right decisions. Involve them in your decisions let them offer you advice just because they are young doesn't mean they are not wise beyond their years. Or have learned something different from a mistake you may have made along time ago sometimes different people learn different things from the same lesson.

There is more to this advice much more but too much to write today. If you want more let me know.

wolfgaze

I also am in need of some advise on this situation. My daughter started with the mood swings early, she is just 12 now. We are currently having an issue with gym class. She has been staying home or going to the nurses office to avoid running. She get very defensive when I try to talk with her about it. Any insight would be helpful.

My insight would be to talk to your school nurse / counselor. You'll get much better advice from people who know your daughter's situation and are professionally trained to deal with it. Taking advice from random strangers on the internet about your daughter's life is too risky.

Dear rund94,

Your daughter could be ditching PE for a number of reasons any advice from anyone on this would be pure speculation. If I were you I would try to rule out anything physical (i.e fallen bladder or Anorexia) or rule out being picked on about weight or anyother "abuse" by other students or teacher. If it were me I would take notice of anything else in her behaviour that has become "unusual". When my son was 9 we had some life changing events it spun him into a depression. By observation I notice, he had trouble sleeping at night, he talked about hearing voices, he wouldn't sleep with the light out anymore, he got upset and worried when I left the house, did not want to go to school, would not participate in anything at school he would literally "shut down", always called me at work, constantly needed someone with him & he would never talk to me unless I forced the issue. Anyway my point is see if there are other things going on with her. Even if she doesn't tell you, her behavior might.

My son was on .25mg Zoloft for one year he has vastly improved he no longer has to take it and hasn't for the last year his grades are now mostly in 97% and his lowest is 76% Check it out maybe it will pertain and maybe not. I later found out that children who are treated at a young age for depression have a less likely chance of carrying it into adult hood. He still doesn't like to line dance during PE but he no longer has the anxiety he used to.

here a a few web sites that may help.

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Hope it helps. Wolfgaze

take different influences, and where they meet is the eye of the storm.

teenage years start out by discovering a world, rules, and morals outside of the home. like columbus discovering america, teenagers discover a new world among their peers. the old world, their parents home, then becomes less real, more a matter of choice. unfortunately, the teenage culture today supports defiance of good society and homes. this too is swinging back to normal on the pendulum, with students now choosing the MBA track in school over Basket Weaving 307 (as they did in the 70's). their world is also a cruel world, where kids that dont fit in, get taunted mercilessly. With that in mind, I think your kids problem may be three different influences. One, her menstrual period she needs experience handling. She may be horrified of having an accident in gym class. Two, there maybe kids there that make her uncomfortable. When I was a boy, I was picked first to be on teams, but i knew there were kids that i felt really sorry for, because after everybody was picked, several were still standing there and teams would argue not to take them. Cruel. When I was a boy, I was a jock, one head bigger then all other kids in my age group and noone screwed with me. But, this was Europe, and gym class involved gymnastics, like in the Olympics. Yix, I f*'n hated the high bars, and the loops i had to make on them. To this day, the only physical phobia I have is turning upside down, even though I long ago learned that it's fun, and not the fear I instinctively though it was going to be. Soooooo, talk your daughter, as a friend, and see if she'll confide in you what the problem is in gym class. It could very well be her stance of independence, because young teenagers do sort themselves out today into the geeks, the hoochies, the arteeests, the oddballs, etc, and she may think that gym is below her social standing befitting her peer group.