I think people are being too hard on Giftless. The fact is, people place a lot of symbolic value on gifts. The time and/or money you spend on a gift often reflects how you feel about that person. If they've been dating for three years, presumably he bought her a gift last year, so if he didn't buy her one this year, I think she could reasonably wonder what made her slip off the gift-giving list. If he had a financial reason for not buying her a gift, he should have said, "Things are a little tight this year. Would you mind not doing gifts?" A good time to do this would have been before his birthday.

Men think about this stuff too. My husband had a law school roommate who used to break up with his girlfriends before their birthdays, so he wouldn't have to get them a gift. Sometimes, he even got back together with them later on.

I think Giftless is upset not because her boyfriend didn't spend money on her, but because she's worried he didn't think it was important. Talking to him is a good idea, because that way, she can see if he's at least upset about not getting her something -- but if he isn't, it might be a sign that he just doesn't value the relationship enough to put thought into it.

Couldn't agree with your more. It is even more peculiar that he mentioned a gift he wanted to give her. Then there is no mention of that gift ever again. One would think he'd at least mention that things are tight and he'll deliver on that gift as promised. He also could have given her a small gift and tell her he can't afford the gift he promised right now.

I agree completely, but good luck convincing some of the people on here that might be the case, rather than that she's a money-grubbing gold-digger who expected a diamond-encrusted novelty bottle-opener or something.

I don't think the letter writer put enough in the letter to adequately assess what the issue is. My only thought is she should talk with him, in a non-confrontational sort of way.

"I expected something" could mean, I wanted him to do something more, or it could mean, "I wanted that present so I could open it."

Not everyone means "do something nice" when they say "I expected Something." Some girls can overlook the dinner that was cooked or the movie that was one she'd been wanting to watch, or the foot rubs if they think that's just part of what they should get on a regular basis from the relationship. Some guys fix food on a more regular basis than just on major occasions. If that's the case with her boyfriend, it's entirely possible that he did DO something, and she didn't even register it.

It's also entirely possible that he blew her off. The fact that she's worried that she's being over dramatic tends to make me lean toward the "but I wanted THAT present he PROMISED me." Simply because the women I've known who tend to over dramatize their lives in their own mind, tend to think that way.

Case in point. My dad bought my mom a dark chocolate bottle for her birthday. Size and shape of a magnum of champagne, but made out of dark chocolate.

Mom processed the receipt (because she prefers to keep track of the finances) and was waiting for him to give it to her. He'd purchased it about 2 months before her birthday. They went on vacation around her birthday, and on her birthday presented her with a lovely necklace that she thought was beautiful. And she liked it, but spent the rest of the vacation wondering who he'd given the chocolate bottle to. They got home from vacation, and she held it in for another 3 days, then accused him of having a girlfriend at work that he'd given the chocolate bottle to. He'd simply forgotten he'd purchased it, and selected a present for her as though there wasn't a chocolate bottle. He immediately went and grabbed it for her out of the hiding place.

Nothing insidious in my father's gifting, just a poor memory. It's entirely possible the boyfriend in this situation forgot all about the present he'd mentioned.

That's a great story. Your poor father.

Oh, I'm not saying she wasn't being a bit of a twit about the whole thing, just that to me the letter didn't seem like she was being as greedy as some people have said - or I don't think she'd be dating a student who works part time for as long as she has been.

I agree. She's not complaining because he didn't spend enough on her, or because he forgot some minor holiday. Rather, he didn't get her any birthday gift at all. I think it's safe to say that in our culture, it's expected that a person should remember a significant other's birthday with a gift. If you don't get something (even a small something) for your sweetie, that's a serious deviation from the norm, and I think the LW is entitled to wonder what's up.

(Of course, couples are free to opt out of mutual gift-giving on principle, but obviously this couple never did so).

On the other hand, he did mention a gift, so it's doubly weird. I wonder whether he made some elaborate plan such that a third party (a buddy, a store, UPS) was supposed to deliver the gift, but for some reason dropped the ball unbeknownst to him. He might be thinking that she received the gift in an elaborate surprise delivery, and he may be wondering why she has completely failed to mention receiving it.

100% agreed. It's not about the stuff, it's about feeling important, appreciated, and special. Truly, that's not much to ask from the person that is supposedly in love with you.

I should know -- I have BEEN this girl, and I know how deflating it feels when the guy you've been dating for a good, long time neglects to do something -- anything -- special for you on your birthday. My now ex-boyfriend did the same thing -- and that would be NO thing -- on Valentine's Day, too. I was heartbroken, not specifically because he didn't give me a gift, but that his non-gifting meant that he didn't think it was important to acknowledge the significance of the day, and by extension, to acknowledge my significance in his life.

In ALL EXPLICIT seriousness, it's not about the material stuff. I wouldn't have cared if my ex "only" gave me a corny love note scrawled on a piece of tattered scrap paper. Something like that, when given with love and sincerity, would have meant more to me than any uber-fancy dinner or jewel-encrusted bauble. I repeat: it's not about the stuff, nor its monetary value.

Perhaps the LW's guy is strapped for cash. If that were the case, he should have said something to the girl some days in advance, as another poster has suggested. I'm sure she would have understood. And if she didn't, well... then that's another story. Personally, I would have appreciated it as much as an actual gift, because it would mean that it's at least crossed his mind. Really, "the thought that counts."

In my own ex-boyfriend case, it certainly wasn't a lack of money. He has a very well-paying, high-profile job, lives in a beautiful condo at an exclusive address with a gorgeous view of the city, and drives a brand new car. The man buys himself whatever he wants, whenever he wants (making HIM impossoble to shop for, but I did it anyway)! No, in his case, it just didn't "occur" to him that acknowledging my birthday somehow was somehow important to me.

Ultimately, my ex is a self-absorbed, narcissistic jerk. He and I split up finally when he decided that his work was more important than our relationship. Good riddance, I say.

Again: LW's bugaboo is not about the stuff. It's the fact that she feels like this guy doesn't care about her, and it's one of the saddest feelings a young woman can experience.

I have to be honest. I think she was waiting on a ring, and wanted confirmation that this might be possible.

That's definitely a good possibility, now that you've brought it up. Especially given how she essentially begins her letter:

"We're soul mates in every way and have discussed marriage for when we both graduate..."

Three years sure is a long time...

Although when I was finishing undergrad (I admit I might be assuming too much about their ages here, but probably not) I definitely wasn't ready to get married. Wonder if the guy is realizing the same about himself and getting cold feet.

Good catch.

Three years is a long time in the life of a coed. Perhaps the lapse of not giving much thought to her birthday is a signal of things to come. Even people who have very little money can save $5 to $20 and get something for someone they really care for.

I have adult children, and one of them gets me flowers from the grocery store and a card and some little thing. Others just plain forget about it. Also, the one who always remembers me has the least money. I have a sister who calls herself the 'garage sale goddess,' she doesn't get me things on my birthday, but she comes up with wonderful, useable things every so often. She buys goodies for my grandchildren at garage sales. It makes them feel very special to have someone they only see occasionally to bring a big bag of goodies. They don't realize that they are used goodies.

It is the thought that counts -- and her BF didn't give her birthday much thought.

Great story about the champagne bottle. Have you ever seen LOVE, ACTUALLY (in which Emma Thompson sees that Alan Rickman has purchased an expensive necklace for Christmas, then receives only a Joni Mitchell CD because he gave the necklace to his girlfriend). Bet your mom has!

I think it's okay for a guy to eschew presents. My own DH always says he thinks flowers on Valentine's Day are a waste of money because they die. I'm okay with that. After 15 years of marriage, I even sort of agree with him, considering those overpriced flowers are coming out of our joint account. But February 14 is not the time to announce that stance, and neither is this girl's birthday.

It certainly IS the thought that counts. I recently celebrated my birthday and figured out that, despite his earlier promise of giving me something "shiny from the jewelry store," my husband was not going to be giving me anything for my birthday. It was strictly because times were financially very tight at the time, and I did and still do completely understand that, just as I know that when and if we get on our feet, he will indeed give me a gift. The thing is, I don't feel a sense of entitlement for it. I would feel awful if I were sporting some piece of jewelry that we couldn't really afford while we were receiving notices that our electricity was going to be shut off any day. My husband tells me every day that he loves me, how pretty I am, how smart I am, and no wrapped gift means more to me than the feeling of knowing that such a fantastic man cares for me so much. Sometimes a feeling of happiness and contentment is better than any knick knack.

Really? I don't think so. I think she was just describing her circumstances to give us an idea of what her life is like. Sounds like she just wanted to know what the heck was going on without talking to her boyfriend. We shall all look into our crystal balls now!

(About the ring idea, I mean...)