tickets to the birth turns out to be the most controversial topic of this week's prudie. there are factions saying that the husband can barge in since he's paying, and the expectant mother should expect to pay for the deal herself if she demurs. The other side says that its "mothers day" and her word should be final.

traditionally, birth didn't involve 2 strangers in gauze masks urging you to push harder, while your husband tries to avoid ralfing while holding your hand. instead, a midwife was summoned, and your mom and her sisters, all who had survived the delivery process would be on hand to help you through it. the husband would be taken down to the village tavern, our out on a snipe hunt, by his male relatives in a sort non-sexual bachelor party.

i'm not giving the short shrift to modern medical technology, or obstretricians, anaesthesologists, nurse practitioners, LPNs, RNs, etc who make modern birthing statistically safer, albeit scarier. i'm just asking "what does the husband bring to this party, especially if there are complications?"

women - who attended your deliveries? men - did you attend? who else was in the room? other relatives? female friends? anyone with a video camera? was it truly the "most beautiful event ever", or does that videotape NEVER get shown to anyone?

my own story: my husband was present, no other relatives. it was a breach presentation, and they decided midway through that a caesarian was going to be better for everyone. my husband was not polled for his opinion, and good thing too, as he needed to be excused when they began the incision. i think vomit might make it more difficult to meet hostpital sterility standards, but i'm not really an expert on this.

there was no video. i wasn't completely anesthetized,and i felt some of the incision, placenta removal, and subsequent repair.

i do remember someone, behind their blue mask, pointing out in annoyance. "no . . . not that. put that back".

for that reason alone, i believe every caesarian should be under general anaesthesia, not local.

& I stand by that

this isn't a sideshow

baltimore aureole:

women - who attended your deliveries? men - did you attend? who else was in the room? other relatives? female friends? anyone with a video camera? was it truly the "most beautiful event ever", or does that videotape NEVER get shown to anyone?

1 - Husband only. (and the medicos, a given)

2 - Husband. A friend who was respeonsible for #1, and took her out when I hit the transitional phase till after the baby was cleaned up.

3 - Mom was in the waiting room with #1 & #2. Recently-EX husband was living with his younger girlfriend.

No cameras of any kind. Ever. I would never have wanted to see pictures, much less movies!

Personally, i think the mother-to-be's wishes should take precedent but then i didn't particularly want to be there at the birth of my child - it was pretty much the most boring 12 hours of my life apart from the last 10 minutes.

It's just this assumption that the man's wishes are completely irrelevant that galls me. Presumably you would like the man to contribute in some way to the baby's wellbeing after they are born ? The father is expected to take equal responsibility for the baby but without any actual rights. The mother is automatically considered the prime care-giver through no fault of the man - we didn't decide who would give birth to the baby.

Women !! Make up your mind ! Are we equals in parenthood or not ?

also :

Women !!!  Know your limits !!! Can you really handle that Dodge Ram ?

I don't think so.

I don't have kids yet, but most of my friends have had their husband and one other female relative, except in the cases where the labor was too fast for the other relative to get there or where the family was not near enough to be there.

My dad was there when both of his kids were born. He's prone to fainting at gory things, though, so he stayed back far enough that he wouldn't be in the way if he passed out. My maternal grandmother was not able to be there (poor health at time of first grandchild's birth, passed away before second). My mom has no sisters and did not want her mother in law there.

I don't think my mom would want to be in the room for me or my sister, so it will probably just be hubby for me. My mother in law, however, was a scrub nurse and has no problem speaking up with doctors, so she might be a valuable asset in th event of complications or an emergency section. I would not ask her to be there, though, unless my husband was ok with it.

I was there. My wife wanted me there for moral support, entertainment, and general company. If she'd asked to have some privacy because she felt uncomfortable, I would have understood and done as she pleased. The dolts who think the argument of who's paying for it, and come with legal rights in hand, should stick to posting pcitures of excrement. It graphically befits their line of thought.

The bottom line here is, this is a hospital and a medical care situation for the mother. She gets to call any and all shots, regardless of who got her in this predicament. If someone were in the emergency room due to getting run over by a truck, does the trucker get to be there and provide input in her healthcare?

As far as her mother being therre, I think the husband should look in his heart. This moment isn't all about him. It's a woman and kid about to come into this life. If the mother gets comfort and strength from her own mother being present, what cold hearted prick is the husband to deny her the luxury?

I don't know if I would equate presence at birth with involvement with the baby. I wouldn't demand to be present during a medical procedure performed on my husband unless he wanted me there. That's the crux here - it's not just a question of the man being there for his kid's entrance, it's a question of who will be there during his wife's medical procedure (possibly surgery). I would want my husband there for ME during a procedure like that, in addition to wanting him to share the birth of his baby. But some women want only their doctors and someone who has gone through the same procedure present.

Would you want your wife present at your vasectomy?

If you were having a tooth pulled would you rather have someone who had been through that type of procedure with you or someone who never had any teeth with you?

My husband was there. MIL and FIL were in the waiting room for the most part, but I think MIL came in the delivery room at some point when I was preoccupied with moaning.

I wanted my mom to be there, but she opted out the day of (I was induced) because she was coming down with a cold. I think she would have been a comforting presence. No cameras or cam-corders, excpet to photograph the baby once she was out, and photo-ops with other family members holding the baby.

There were some complications immediately after the birth, so I didn't get to spend much time holding her myself. That is my great regret.

To me, my birthing experience (my only one) was a traumatic event. Even with an epidural. I was in pain, nervous, and quite a bit frightened, although I tried not to let it show. I would not describe it as 'beautiful'. There is something indeed beautiful about bringing another human being into the world, but that is only in a very abstract sense. The immediate experience is more accurately described as 'violent'.

I think the debate is so heated on this topic because it is a 'cisis' of sorts and crystallizes the existing power dynamic in the couple. Bullies, pleases, passive-aggresives, naggers, avoidants, it all comes out of the woodwork.

And the docs. I'm with the no-sideshow crowd. On the whole I think if you are not medical, and you weren't at conception you shouldn't be at the birth.

If you're r

intersurfa:

The dolts who think the argument of who's paying for it, and come with legal rights in hand, should stick to posting pcitures of excrement. It graphically befits their line of thought.

 

If you're referring to me, i never suggested the husband had rights because he was paying for it. Get your facts straight. Also, if the sight of excrement upsets you so much, i don't know how you coped with the delivery and you must be traumatised every time you go the bathroom.

The usual suspects, the ones involved in the delivery room being the outcome in the first place.

tradition-- at all. I'm not into seeing blood and bodily fluids. That said, if my wife were to say, "stay right the hell here," I would, unquestionably.

It's one of those "cross the bridge when you get there" kind of things. I'm not at all against going to the tavern and getting pissed while the women do the work.

My crew consisted of a certified nurse midwife, an Italian lay midwife and her apprentice, two friends (one male one female), my ex (write him out) and for the first one, the 2 year old daughter of the apprentice lay midwife.

You get used to everyone seeing up your gown real fast once you hit second stage.

i would want my husband there and my mom, if possible. the husband because i think he should know and understand just how painful the process is, if only because he better not even THINK about complaining about feedings and crying and what not after the baby is here. i'm being a little toungue in cheek but yeah, i really do think it's the husband's job to help you through it (although i have no problem with others deciding differently), and my mom.... well, some things a girl just wants her mom to be there for. i doubt many husbands can give the same kind of comfort, just because it's a different kind of a bond.

but what's with all the blood vomiting talk? while i want family to hold my hand, the only people that should be looking down at the va-jay-jay should be the doctors and nurses!

I'm sorry your birth experience was tough, but I think you have a pretty darn good perspective on the whole deal. I'd keep your dad away from fire, though.