Dear DPers,

Mr. Nomist's favorite cousin is coming to town tonight, and by favorite I mean they act like 12 year olds around each other and no I don't mean moody and introspective I mean purple nurples and noogies and raucous laughter and shouts of CUUUZZZZ!!!! ringing through the night. I'd almost invite you all over for the show, but I'd hate your first trips to NYC to consist of being thrown out of every bar from the Battery to the Bronx. Then again, if you're going to be bounced, it should be for singing 15 consecutive Steve Earle songs off key at a karaoke bar that doesn't even have any Steve Earle selections. Amiright!

Dear Prudence,

While stalking a former coworker, I discovered he's in jail where I can get to him quite easily. Why didn't he tell everyone he was on trial for rape and sexual assault for the last two years?! Can I? Please? How about if I just call his wife and rub it in? Come on, you never let me do anything fun! When do you think he has visiting hours?

-- Queen of Club Intelius

Dear Borderline Depraved,

If he didn't know you well enough to tell you he was facing legal consequences for a shameful crime against a helpless woman over the two years you were speaking "many times," then he's just not that into you! Time to get over this ingrate inmate and find a new focus for your obsessive prying.

--Iso see cruel and unusual punishment aimed in his direction from 7-9 every other weeknight

Dear Prudie,

My wife would call her mom for instructions on fellatio if I let her. I didn't and now we have a baby on the way. How do I keep Mom from witnessing the birth of her first American grandson, when I don't even speak Dutch?

-- Ew, Family.

Dear Get Used to It,

I suppose you want to chase out the doctor and midwives as well? It may not be your wife's "special day" and it may not be your MIL's either, but it certainly isn't yours.

--Iso suggest a tall footladder to help you get over yourself

Dear Prudie,

I can't seem to get my best friend to dump my biggest competition for her attention, no matter how desperate I make myself appear.

signed,

It's Him, Right?

Dear No it's not,

Is he in prison for something too? Not yet, eh?

--Iso think I saw this movie

Dear Prudie,

I'm such a dolt I think choosing the wedding cake equals planning a lifelong commitment to the guy who's been getting it free for two years. Oh yeah, as further proof of my doltitude, I think "free milk" refers to splitting a mortgage. Can I still play the morality card because he might ruin my FICO score?

--Don't know jack, don't want to

Dear Simmered in Own Stupidity

I think you should draw up a legal document with your parents that forces you to get their permission to make any decision beyond what to make for dinner or write on your final exam paper, but I'm afraid they did raise you. You could be the first 21 year old with a guardian ad litem.

--Iso just saw 80 years of women's lib pissed away in one lifetime.

In all four letters, that is probably what each letter writer is really saying! But Dutch? Really! ;)

oh, Iso, that struck me wrong right off too: how the hell is paying the mortgage getting free milk??? oh, you wacky letter writer, that cow has already left the barn, as it were...

Sorry, Iso, but if a guy has to listen to his wife go on and on and on about the pregnancy for 9 months and then listen to her spend the last 3 months endlessly complaining about every tiny ache and pain, then he at least deserves the right to a reserved box seat at the birth.

lord barrymore:

Sorry, Iso, but if a guy has to listen to his wife go on and on and on about the pregnancy for 9 months and then listen to her spend the last 3 months endlessly complaining about every tiny ache and pain, then he at least deserves the right to a reserved box seat at the birth.

Since you'll never be pregnant and know what it like or how it feels I strongly suggest you stop. She was not saying she did not want her husband there, but wanted her mother there too. This is not unheard of.

You had me at amirite but the rest of it was great too.

Dictating who else gets to stay, no. SHE'S the one pushing a writhing human out of her nether regions, SHE'S the one who gets to choose the audience. It's the right you earn when you give birth and poop all over the doctor.:)

I'll admit, I'd been pissed about the mere notion of getting boxed out at the birth of my first child five months ago. It so turned out that I was the only other one in the room. However, I don't think it's too much to ask for her own mother to be IN THE ROOM. I just don't think it should be where he's not doing everything else he'd otherwise do. But back on the other hand, it's emasculating to think that you can't be everything for your wife at this important moment. That's just the sheer truth.

It's a terrifying, exciting, and extremely intimate time for a woman. She should have someone there who's presence can calm her, and that's not always her s/o. I made my mil stay.:) I adored her, and she had a tremendously calming effect on both my husband and I. Which was good since I had complications giving birth to our son. The human female body was not meant to pass a 10lb kid through her loins..... My husband told me later how helpless he felt. He couldn't help me, he couldn't take away the pain, all he could do was hold my hand. With both kids, I eventually told him to stfu with telling me to bloody breathe.:)

HHCassius:

I'll admit, I'd been pissed about the mere notion of getting boxed out at the birth of my first child five months ago. It so turned out that I was the only other one in the room. However, I don't think it's too much to ask for her own mother to be IN THE ROOM. I just don't think it should be where he's not doing everything else he'd otherwise do. But back on the other hand, it's emasculating to think that you can't be everything for your wife at this important moment. That's just the sheer truth.

Having her mother there would not be boxing out her husband. I am sure it is tough for the husband to see his wife in pain and not being able to do a thing about it. That is when you have to realize that whatever or whoever she wants to be there, if that is a comfort to her, then let her have it. When the baby is out and cleaned up the mom can step out while husband and wife have some time with their new little one.

I also think men should remember all that the woman is going through. Not just the pain but your spread open with a team of nurses and a doctor there, pooping as your push....not exactly comfortable or embarrassment free.

PugglePop:

It's a terrifying, exciting, and extremely intimate time for a woman. She should have someone there who's presence can calm her, and that's not always her s/o. I made my mil stay.:) I adored her, and she had a tremendously calming effect on both my husband and I. Which was good since I had complications giving birth to our son. The human female body was not meant to pass a 10lb kid through her loins..... My husband told me later how helpless he felt. He couldn't help me, he couldn't take away the pain, all he could do was hold my hand. With both kids, I eventually told him to stfu with telling me to bloody breathe.:)

There was an episode of Mad About YOu when she had their baby. He is trying to helpful and they both, of course, are nervous. So during a contraction she tells him to shut up. So he does and when it has passed she asked him why he was not answering her..he said you told me to shut up and her response was, "Oh no honey you can talk, just during the contraction i can't stand the sound of your voice" lol

You have to leave your self-conciousness at the door since there will be 20 people you've never seen before watching your most private of regions do incredible things.

During labor with my daughter I very calmly told my husband that I love him dearly, and I know he's nervous and all, but if he told me to breathe one more time when I'm 2 minutes into a contraction, I was going to squeeze his neck until his darling head popped off. Then I asked the nurse to go ahead and get the anesthesiologist headed my way as the pains were coming more frequently and getting stronger.:) He appreciated it far more than the LAST birth, where I pretty much told him to stfu and never touch me again, in front of his mom.

lol Hubby jokes about what I will be like. lol I know I will be getting meds as soon as I can. I have to ask, did you vomit or feel like you would during your births? My mom's were so quick. Hell, my dad met my mom's doctor in the hallway and said what you are doing here? He said I am on my way to see your wife. And there I was already. The only time I have been a morning person. lol My dad was parking the car and they had to grab a random doctor. Apparently I was ready to make my entrance!

Nope, no vomiting. Just wanted to get the violent squeezing of my innards over.:)